4 years after leaving and 3 since divorce finalized

[dentrose]

Hello all, I haven't posted here for a LONG time but I've still been trying to process the traumatic dumpster fire that was my first marriage. I would say that being in an emotionally stable relationship was very hard at first. I was addicted to the stress and the drama, over time I stopped walking on eggshells and started to express how I felt, it wasn't always well received due to my wife now also being a sentient human being with feelings, but it was safe. While I haven't fully dealt with the past trauma and the loss of my step daughter I can at least feel safe in my relationship.

This forum was one of the main things that kept me sane in those days so if any of you are around from back then I want to say thank you. For any of you out there that are where i was 5 years, 4 years, or 3 years ago, all i can say is keep fighting, you ARE worth it. I haven't had any contact outside of a couple emails since we separated, I still panic at the thought of having to deal with her or her cluster b of a family. The life i have now is the life I always wanted with her, and as hard as that is to accept after the trauma, and the gas lighting, and the love bombing, and the complete lack of stability. I was right that I would never find that life with her, but I have found it now.

I was recently using a fake Facebook profile to try to find pictures of my step-daughter (as one does), and I came across a picture of my ex. My first reaction was the fear i expressed above, but after a couple of seconds that subsided and I saw the sadness in her eyes. Without any warning or expecting to, i was filled with pity, pity for the person that did all those awful things to me, pity for the person that made my life an unstable hell for years. I was talking to my mom about this, I try not to dump it all on my wife, (not that she can't handle it or doesn't care, it's just that when someone's past is used as a tool for a long time, its easy to be afraid of doing that to someone else) my mom said that while it wasn't wrong to pity her, her decisions are her responsibility and she tends to make bad ones.

The road isn't over and there might still be a few mountains to climb and swamps to cross but I'll get there, and will so will all of all of you fine people.

Take care

[escapingman]

Well done and congratulations.

Pity, yes that's what I feel for my ex wife. She lives in an alternative reality, I used to be in that reality but not anymore. I am no contact for 2 years and my life is just so much better.

Thanks for your update and keep up the good work.

[bloomie]

dentrose - thank you for the view from a bit down the road. It offers hope and encouragement!

[MaxedOut]

Thank you for the update. It is great to hear the good and the struggles (but overall the affirmation of what I feel is true).