Feeling So Defeated

Beachlife · March 29, 2024, 08:29:24 AM

I'm feeling really down tonight.
I feel like I will never escape.
Despite me being very distant since my husband's latest meltdown/rage episode 2 weeks ago, he refuses to see how miserable I am.

I'm tired of him being nice and friendly and helpful and acting like all is fine. I'm tired of him refusing to acknowledge he has a problem and expecting the rest of us to just accept his meltdowns.

My son told me tonight he is numb to them now, they've been happening forever. Made me feel so sad for him but also angry that husband cannot see the damage he is doing to us!

How can I ever hope to get out of this miserable situation if my husband refuses to see there is a problem?

Honestly cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Poison Ivy · March 29, 2024, 10:57:36 AM

I don't know all the details of your situation, so please take my comments for what they're worth. Many people eventually realize that their spouses or partners refuse to acknowledge problems. And many of those people come to the realization that getting out of the miserable situation requires them to get out of the miserable situation. That is, you can't control what your husband is doing or what he sees or doesn't see; you can control your own behavior and you can decide whether to stay in the relationship.

sunshine702 · March 29, 2024, 11:33:45 PM

There is no more pain it seems than messy horrible family situations. The fear obligation shame. Yeah I am so sorry you are going through this!! Know that you can to all to us — we believe you. Also know you can strategize with us. Many of us are on different areas of that road.

Big hug!!!

Beachlife · March 30, 2024, 05:40:09 AM

Thank you both for your reply.

Quote from: Poison Ivy on March 29, 2024, 10:57:36 AMI don't know all the details of your situation, so please take my comments for what they're worth.

We have a child in a wheelchair and our house has been modified to make life easier for him (hand rails in bathroom, easier access around the house etc) so I can't just take the kids and move out. If we separate it's likely we'd have to sell the house as I couldn't afford to buy my husband out, so I don't see anyway out.

SonofThunder · March 30, 2024, 12:46:39 PM

Quote from: Beachlife on March 30, 2024, 05:40:09 AMThank you both for your reply.

Quote from: Poison Ivy on March 29, 2024, 10:57:36 AMI don't know all the details of your situation, so please take my comments for what they're worth.

We have a child in a wheelchair and our house has been modified to make life easier for him (hand rails in bathroom, easier access around the house etc) so I can't just take the kids and move out. If we separate it's likely we'd have to sell the house as I couldn't afford to buy my husband out, so I don't see anyway out.

It may be worth your time to pay cash for an efficient hr of private time with a divorce attorney in your area to discuss your situation and the needs of your child(ren) and fully understand that paragraph you wrote with regard to the law.

SoT

square · March 30, 2024, 12:56:53 PM

I agree.

We don't know the possibilities. Remortgage with a fresh 30 year term plus child support, for example.

We don't know but it seems possible there might be some path.

Beachlife · March 31, 2024, 01:35:17 AM

Thanks all for your replies. I will look into an appointment with a lawyer to see my options.

How do I deal with him specifically?
I'm doing my best to gray rock, especially over the Easter break, but I can tell he is hurt by my behaviour. How does one even attempt to talk about separating when the other person sees nothing wrong with their behaviour or the marriage and blames everyone else for their problems?

square · March 31, 2024, 10:42:00 AM

How do you deal with him?

You give up.

You let go of the hope that:

He will come to his senses

That he will see how much he is hurting you

That any calm period will last

That you might have just one nice holiday

That he might actually follow through on a promise he made

It's a process and it takes time. It's not something you just decide to do and then bam.

But you remind yourself. He says he'll do something better? Outside you say thanks in a calm neutral voice. Inside you say dryly "we'll see how long this lasts."

You stop worrying that he is "hurt" that you're not wearing your heart on your sleeve so he can stab it more easily.

Whether you gray rock, yellow rock, or medium chill, inside you are detached from him. The only difference is whether you are nice or withdrawn on the outside.

I do medium chill because it keeps things calm in my house. He used to pick at it but he could not actually identify anything I was doing wrong. Medium chill is not being a doormat and taking all the punches. It's about giving up all hope while keeping up a nice calm demeanor. And when things go south, there really is no change in you, you're not hurt or disappointed because you were already emotionally in that zone, expecting it. But on the outside you are doing your part to not engage and be polite.

Poison Ivy · March 31, 2024, 11:02:40 AM

I agree with square.

I'm divorced. My ex is very sensitive to anything that carries even a whiff of criticism. This bothered me a lot when we were married because while we both contributed to the problems, I was the only one who accepted responsibility out loud for the mistakes I made.

I hesitate to use the word "blame" but I will here: I realized eventually that the only way I was going to get out of the marriage was if I was willing to accept the blame for ending the marriage. Although this sometimes felt unfair, it was also unfair of me to expect that my ex, who wanted to stay married, should have to go against his own interests by filing for divorce. We wanted different things; I could control only myself and my behavior.