My PD SIL almost literally makes me ill

[Catothecat]

This is my brother's second marriage.  He married her after only knowing her a short time, and then they were married for a year or so then she left him and got a divorce.  For "reasons" that were never clear.  A year later they remarried, because apparently my brother has codependency issues or something (his first wife was probably BPD).  Anyway, after the remarriage she started calling all the shots about how they were to live etc. and one of her messages to him is that he cannot spend too much time with family other than his kids by his first wife.

So what that meant is he never visited our mom except a couple times a year, always on a holiday, initially with his wife, and then for only a few hours.  After a couple years of that SIL started complaining about the "long drive" and how she couldn't tolerate it (the drive for them was just a little over an hour) and started making other excuses why she couldn't go.  And then I noticed when my brother would come, alone, he would immediately get on the phone with her to report on his whereabouts, I assume, and then she would either text or call him again about something, and this would go on throughout the visit.  Obviously she couldn't tolerate the idea of him not focusing his attention on her so was finding ways to force it.

Anyway, I could care less how he treats me but his treatment of my mom would anger me.  Yet she would always excuse his behavior in some way (while being full aware of it and often hurt by it), mostly she would end by saying, "what can I do, he's my son!"  The nadir was probably the time, after they had moved to another state, when my brother came in for a visit and intended to stay a few days with mom.  He was only there about 2 days when SIL called and told him he needed to come home.  So he did.  As far as my mom related, he gave no reason why he had to leave so abruptly.  Of course, to me it was pretty obvious.

When mom was in the hospital in serious condition (she died after a brief stay) he came to see her one day, made excuses why he couldn't come the next, and then flew back home.  Since they no longer lived in the area I didn't expect SIL to show up at the hospital, but she didn't come to the funeral, either.  My brother came alone (well, with his kids).  My brother then asked for various items belonging to our mom, for the first time in a long time showing any interest in her.  But I knew that was only because she was safely dead and he no longer had to worry about his wife seeing her as a "threat".

Now, I only know what they're doing via facebook.  SIL is forever posting pics of some elderly man they hang out with who's a member of their church, pics of her with other friends, with her family etc.  And now that it's Easter she's full-on with her religion and it's religious this and that and how devout she is. 

It sickens me to see this, to see how she tore apart my brother's relationship with our mom (with his consent, I know, since he allowed and excused her behavior), and how she trumpets her religiousness constantly on facebook (the only reason I follow her at all is because they share the FB page and it's now the only way I know what's going on with my brother).  I try not to be offended by her posts, but I am because she thinks (she may be PD but she's not stupid) she gets away with her rotten behavior because she gets away with it with her husband. 

This is a rant, I know, because it's all water under the bridge now and nothing I can do or say will change anything. But I still shake my head in astonishment every single time she does this crap on FB, over the blatant hypocrisy of it all (she's one of those who loves posting those "memes" about what "good" people should do). Just...amazing.

Anyway, thanks for listening.  Rant over!

[Rebel13]

Yep, the hypocrisy and double standards can be breathtaking.  I'm sorry you have to cope with that.

[bloomie]

Catothecat - It is heartbreaking to see the casual discard of a beloved mother by a sibling. The disappointment is deep and I am sorry for how painful all of this is for you.

Just a thought... you can unfollow your sil/brother's account and not see their posts for awhile (would still be FB friends) to give yourself some space to heal. You deserve to embrace peace and healing and not be triggered by the facade you are seeing on SM.

Hugs to you.

[Catothecat]

Thanks, Rebel and Bloomie. I try not to be amazed by the behavior, but I still am, even after years of experiencing it. 

One thing I try to keep in mind is that SIL basically lives in her own world, and rather than look at how her behavior affects others, she is essentially blind to it and maintains a my-way-or-the-highway attitude.  Like a lot of NPDs she is able to easily make "friends" and has an active social life, but they are only folks who somehow serve her purposes, props in her life. 

Actually, I have unfollowed her before, when she starts to be too much, but I then refollow her after a "time out" and then her postings seem more pathetic than irritating.  Right now she's definitely in the irritating zone.

[blacksheep7]

Cathocat,

I'm sorry, it is sad.

Your brother is a perfect picture of what and how my brother was once he married my bff who  did not remain a friend unfortunately. She had many issues with her family, her father being an alcoholic. My b had our background of abuse and was using all his teenage years. A toxic mix.   My sil to be would always tell me she wouldn't marry my brother.  They hooked up at my marriage.

She even tried to take her life and it just left her bitter. For the years to follow,he would run back home if she called.  When NF was dying of cancer, she would wait in the car. She held a grudge and was miserable, for what reason, I'll never know.  Fortunately they have no children.

My b and I were very close in our teens being 15 months apart. He married at 25 and moved away being in the air force.  Even though he moved closer, we saw him five times the most in thirty-five years. So I understand your pain and frustration of having no say or control in the situation knowing well that nothing will change.  I tried xxxxx times. I was even the flying monkey for NM.

Well, my sil died 10 yrs ago to cancer. B came back Running but now I am nc with Foo.  I miss him but I can't have a relationship with him cause he's in the Fog and now an alcoholic which I didn't know back then. Helping out widowed NM, she defends him too! Yup, good ole double standards.

My M always blamed sil for our brother's absence, that's what most mothers do. Brother had a big role in this also, not wanting to rock the boat.  It takes two to tango.

Take care

[Catothecat]

Sorry you had to go through something similar as well, blacksheep.

My brother certainly has his issues and I suspect he dealt with them by hooking up with toxic women so he could deal with their issues rather than his own.  Both of his wives are likely PD, he also had a long-time gf who was an alcoholic (who interestingly got sober after they broke up, she was actually a very nice, decent person who dealt with her issues the wrong way), and another who was involved with drugs and some criminal activity.  So...there was a lot going on with him that had more to do with just the women in his life, but that was how my mom saw it and there was no explaining to her that a bigger picture was to be seen.

I don't want to go NC with him but I also don't want to be in his life because while I think his intentions are essentially honest, my SIL in the background is only giving lip-service to these "family values" she claims to have, and he can't see what I see.  Or maybe he does but can't admit it (the more likely situation).  When he says to come out to visit them sometime, I don't know what to say because I know my SIL wouldn't want us there.  So I just keep a distance and don't commit  to anything more than what already exists.  It is what it is, I suppose.

Thanks for sharing and support!

[blacksheep7]

I understand your will to not be nc.  The main reason for nc was with covert M. She triangulated which made it diffucult for me to be in the mix plus I was on my healing journey. She is still doing so with my two brothers and sister. It's sad.  I would like to resume contact  with one b , from the above post and my sister which I miss dearly. It has to be after M passes,she is 93.
At that point in time, I will have to deal and manage grey rock with some of their issues, unsovled trauma. Hopefully and thankfully I learned enough to not react but respond and keep good boundaries.

As for your sil, accepting the situation and keeping a distance is the best you can do. Missing loved ones when they are alive is very painful.

We were only invited once in all those years.

Best wishes Catothecat