Silent treatment vs pulling away

[Lady Bug]

I met a new neighbour on our estate last summer (I'll call her Liz) she seemed very polite and friendly but a bit odd. Sometimes her demeanour is very submissive (no eye contact, closed body language, not much to say) and other times it's the total opposite (almost too much eye contact, confident posture, confident speaking and quite direct) so it is a little hard to know what kind of a person she is.

At first she was very friendly. Coming over to speak when she saw me, knocking on my door, letting me play with her dogs, sharing personal stuff with me.

Then for no obvious reason she would go cold. Avoiding me. If she hears me around she's creep off like she's hoping I haven't noticed her, not answering a text I sent her in response to the one she sent me.

This just keeps happening. It's like she either friendly with me or not. When she's not talking to me she seems to be speaking to everyone else just fine.

Not sure if this is pulling away or random bouts of silent treatment. How can you tell the difference? And what's the best way to handle it as I don't feel comfortable enough to ask. I don't know a great deal about her personally, she just tells me things that go on in her life and she's hard to understand.

I've just noticed in the last few months these periods of hot and cold behaviour. She doesn't seem to do it to anyone else but then she's more friendly with me than anyone else where we live.

Any help as I'm not sure how to navigate this one? Thanks for your time.

[NarcKiddo]

Maybe the specific nature of what she is doing does not particularly matter. My reaction to your post is to ask you how much it bothers you and how friendly you want to be with this neighbour. She may have some issues, she may not. It could be as simple as her over-sharing when she is in a particular mood and then regretting it when the mood changes. Rinse, repeat. If you want a closer friendship with her you might want/need to navigate or explore this situation a bit more. If you just want to maintain neighbourly relations then I, in your position, would adopt a neutral, pleasant and consistent way of behaving around her regardless of her own demeanour. I would not encourage her to over-share and I would not be particularly concerned to seek her out in one of her avoidance phases.

Personally, I would tend to steer clear of people who behave like this from the get-go. I have enough problems with the PDs in my life without adding in a new relationship that is showing potential problems from the start. But I am an old curmudgeon these days.

[Lady Bug]

NarcKiddo - Thanks for the advice. I thought the same as you after this post. We're not even close friends yet and I'm seeing problems with inconsistency with me. I'm sorry for others'problems, but I have enough of my own that she shows no real interest or care in.

Thanks for taking the time to answer

[Rebel13]

Seconding this!

... I, in your position, would adopt a neutral, pleasant and consistent way of behaving around her regardless of her own demeanor. I would not encourage her to over-share and I would not be particularly concerned to seek her out in one of her avoidance phases.

Personally, I would tend to steer clear of people who behave like this from the get-go. I have enough problems with the PDs in my life without adding in a new relationship that is showing potential problems from the start. But I am an old curmudgeon these days.

Fellow old curmudgeon here. 

[Catothecat]

My response is the same as what the others have said, Bug.  Her odd behavior is her issue and likely has nothing to do with you.  Unless there's a reason for wanting her in your life, it might be best to let this one go.  Be friendly if she approaches you but don't give anything more than what makes you feel comfortable. 

I belong to a large social organization and I've encountered people like this repeatedly. There are some who are probably dealing with a type of mental illness that responds to medication and their inconsistent behavior is due to their medication use, but then there are others who are clearly only friendly when and if it suits them.  One moment they are friendly as can be, and the next they won't even acknowledge me.  Why they do this I don't know, but they are not that important to me that I feel I have to try to understand them.  They seem to expect others to tolerate their behavior, but I don't because it's not normal and I'm not going to pretend it is.  After they behave this way a few times, I am polite but indifferent to them.   Again, they are the ones with an issue that isn't going to become mine.