Advice for my NC when my college child decides to reconnect?

[Sidney37]

So I've posted here before that I've been NC for about 5 years with my parents. Part of the reason I realized that I needed to be NC was because my uNPDm was making my daughter her golden child.  Well now that she is an adult and a freshman in college, my parents have been making every effort to reconnect with her. 

Well after many attempts through texts and calls, PDm and enD have convinced my young adult daughter to meet them for lunch near her school.  They were unblocked at the advice of a therapist when she turned 18. She has refused all of their attempts up to this point. But she has been desperate for grandparent relationships because her close friends all see grandparents on holidays.  Most of her older relatives on my husband's side have passed away, so my dysfunctional and abusive parents are her big chance at the grandparent relationship she wants.      She's clear that she misses the special attention and the gifts, but knows how terribly they have treated the rest of us.

So, how do you navigate this?  I can see the writing on the wall.  I think there is a 75% chance she'll fall right back in and feel sorry for them.  I'm hoping for the 25% chance that after years apart she sees how terrible they are.  How do I respond when she's home from college for the summer and is making frequent calls to them?  Trying to tell me what they said on those calls?  Complaining about us to them?  Telling them where and when we are going on a family vacation?  Telling them my personal medical business that is obvious at home but not something I want my PD parents to know and gossip about?  When she wants to visit them for the weekend and wants us to transport her to and from the airport?  When she starts insisting that we reconnect?  Insisting that they have changed? Insisting that I'm the bad guy for cutting them off?   How do you navigate when your young adult child who you are still supporting (paying for college) and who is still living with you for 5 months of the year becomes the flying monkey?  What ground rules do you set? Do you give a them or us ultimatum?  Grandparents definitely can't afford the tuition bills.  It seems like telling her to choose between us or them will backfire. 

[bloomie]

Sidney37 - What may be helpful is to hold the position that the most important goal in a complicated situation is to keep the connection with your child strong, honest, loving and intact. Above all else.

I realize that your daughter is still dependent in  many ways, but she is a young adult who is learning how to navigate the broken relationships in her family. She is looking to you to help her understand how to do that and for you to be willing to give space for her relationship with her grandparents to look different than yours does.

I also understand first hand the vulnerability and potential for hurt and harm through this reconnection must bring and how it is natural to want to prepare for the worst, so to speak.

Maybe take this one step at a time and as you do kindly let your daughter know you would prefer she not share any private medical, etc., info with the grandparents being careful not to impose your own emotional response to the possibility of them reconnecting onto her.

I suggest not getting ahead of yourself (and your daughter) with all of this. It sounds like your daughter has let you know they may be meeting and that shows she trusts you and is being open about where things stand. That is huge and something to honor and value as you go forward.

Just some thoughts as I read through your post. Keep coming back and share here as you are able! It is a heavy load and we are here to support you through the coming weeks.

 

[Rebel13]

Great suggestions, bloomie. This situation reminds me of a lot of conversations on the Chump Lady website about children sharing information between divorced parents and how to have boundaries about that. I think it's fine to ask your daughter not to share information about you with your parents. If she doesn't respect that, and her sharing causes problems for you, over time you might decide to control what you share with her, to the best of your ability. But these situations seem to require quite a lot of letting go and nonreactivity -- which I know is hard when there is a lot of history and intense emotion in the mix! Ultimately we aren't in control of others, their behavior, choices, or relationships. Your daughter is making choices based on her feelings and her experiences with your parents, which are probably quite different than yours. If she wants to talk about her grandparents, she can do that with friends. When she brings them up with you, you can do medium chill, which Chump Lady phrases as "Cool bummer wow," and change the subject. You can focus on supporting and being interested in other parts of her life and maintaining the good relationship you already have. Not saying this would be easy, but being what Chump Lady calls "the sane parent" will benefit both you and your daughter, and your relationship, in the long run. I wish you good luck as you navigate this difficulty!