How do I love her?

[HowDidIGetHere]

Hi everyone! I'm new here.

Long story short, I suspect my wife has BPD.

A few of the hardest things I'm dealing with are her telling me how unhelpful I am, how I obviously don't care about her or love her, and that I shouldn't tell her that I do.

So, I'm at a point where I don't know how to love her, or rather show her that I love her.

I won't get bogged down in the details (unless people would like to hear), but I do more than my fair share of errands, chores, and baby duty. I do whatever I can to feel her emotional needs too.

Despite all this, she will often tell me how horrible of a husband and partner I am. That I make her life harder. That none of my efforts matter because I'm "mean" and "rude" all the time. That I don't take accountability when I do something wrong (according to her blame shifting projecting, and catastrophizing brain).

She says I obviously don't care about her or love her because I expressed a need for a bit of free time to work on one of my lifelong hobbies (playing a musical instrument) and because sometimes I get frustrated. Unlike her, I don't yell, swear, belittle, or use personal attacks/name-calling,

She's stated several times that she doesn't want to hear me say that I love her. I still tell her, because I think not telling her is just giving into her self fulfilling prophecy. She hardly ever says it back. She normally just ignores me. If she's frustrated with me, she'll make a comment about how I obviously don't love her or tell me not to say it.

Hell, she told me she didn't want to celebrate Valentine's Day because I stood my ground and joined a community musical group despite her objections. She was upset when I still gave her a card, flowers, and a gift. After seeing that I gave her these things, she gave me a card signed from the baby, but not from her.

So, the question is - how do I show I love her? Do I keep telling her? Do I request her wishes and not tell her?

Sometimes this lack of reciprocation doesn't bother me (what's that about?), and sometimes it's is like a kick in the gut.

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Hello, and welcome.

I'm pretty impressed that you've stood your ground on the community musical group. You did the right thing.

Joining it is not even remotely a sign of not loving your wife. Healthy people have interests and activities, and participating in them in fact makes us healthier, happier, better rounded people for our families.

It's tempting to consider giving in and quitting such things. We think doing so might finally end ongoing conflicts. But it doesn't, the goalposts will just be moved and eventually you'll have lost yourself and have nothing to show for it.

I'm intrigued by your decision to keep telling your wife you love her despite her reactions. I don't know what you should do, but your instincts are correct about the self fulfilling prophecy.

Of course it's a kick in the gut when it's not reciprocated. When it doesn't bother you, are you truly unbothered, or just so numb to it you just have gotten used to it? The other option I can think of is that part of you might feel confident that the feeling is in fact reciprocated deep down even if she behaves otherwise. Any thoughts on that?

The big question is what you want in the future, but the big twist is that you cannot change her, only you. Nothing you do can make her change.

So when you think about the future, do you prefer to keep doing what you are doing, keep trying to tell her you love her in different ways but getting the same responses? Or perhaps you would prefer to spend more of your effort on your own stuff and let her carry her stuff on her own? This is a genuine question, there are many reasonable responses.

However, no matter how strong you are, you cannot carry two people (yourself and another) forever. Most of us can do it for a while, at least we can let someone lean on us for a while. But we are meant to ultimately carry our own weight.

The fact that you have posted here suggests your tank is starting to get low. That's to be expected. If you can identify the bigger holes in your tank and patch them up, and ensure enough fuel is coming in (music, etc) to outfill the smaller holes, that would be a good move for a good husband.

[HowDidIGetHere]

First off, thanks for the thoughtful response

I'm pretty impressed that you've stood your ground on the community musical group. You did the right thing. 

Yea, I did the group before baby. And we had talked about me waiting a few months after baby came to starting again, which I was OK with. The 3 months turned into 6 months, which I wasn't happy with. Then 6 months turned into "I don't know when I'll be ok with you doing it." At that point I had a heartfelt conversation with her about how it's more than just " something I like to do", that it's a major part of my self identity, and has been for 25 years.

She didn't care. She was just focused on how it was going to negatively affect her. She'd have to put baby to bed alone once a week. For reference, I put baby to bed literally every single night with no help. We eventually compromised and I'm doing a different group (lower quality, less enjoyable) that meets 2x a week for half the time and doesn't interfere with bedtime. In the fall my goal is to start doing my desired music group (1x a week, over baby bed time).

I'm intrigued by your decision to keep telling your wife you love her despite her reactions. I don't know what you should do, but your instincts are correct about the self fulfilling prophecy.

Of course it's a kick in the gut when it's not reciprocated. When it doesn't bother you, are you truly unbothered, or just so numb to it you just have gotten used to it? The other option I can think of is that part of you might feel confident that the feeling is in fact reciprocated deep down even if she behaves otherwise. Any thoughts on that?

Yea, I figure if I'm going to "get in trouble" either way (she complains that I don't give her enough affection, reassurance, affirmation, etc) I may as well do the thing that doesn't fulfill the prophecy 🤷. Also part of me feels that showing her I love her (even if she can't see/believe/trust it) is the right thing to do. And I'd feel bad if I didn't.

With regards to why her lack of reciprocation doesn't bother me sometimes - I think it's definitely a mix. Sometimes I'm fed up and don't care. Sometimes I know deep down she does love me.

I know I can't change her, but I'm hoping by setting and enforcing boundaries (which I suck at), I can make things better for me. Not sure if this qualifies as trying to change her though?

As far as what I want to do in the future, I'm not sure. I've only very recently come to think it may be BPD. Previously I thought PPA/PPD, but the more I'm learning the more I think it's BPD. Still processing and trying to figure things out.

I know something's gotta give. Part of me feels like it'll be easier to slowly take back my life as opposed to doing it all at once. Not sure if that's foolish though.

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Is there a history of PD behavior prior to birth and pregnancy?

Have you offered her similar breaks where she can take "her" time whether it's an active interest or just downtime?

Yes, with the situations where I lose either way, I pick what works for me best. Sometimes it's what I feel like I could look myself in the morror best on. Sometimes it's just whatever choice is easiest.

I'm not so sure you suck at setting andenforcing boundaries. Surely there is more of this craft for you to learn, but it sounds like you're already on your way.

Boundaries is not about controlling others, only yourself. So for example, you can decide doing your music group is something you feel is reasonable to pursue, and you do it. You cannot control her reaction. So you just accept that she reacts that way and leave her to it. You don't engage. You do some sanity checks to make sure you're being fair, but you don't carry a huge load of guilt for going. You don't engage in blame games, namecalling, etc.

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Sorry, I sometimes hit post by accident.

But I should ask if you've pursued the PPD avenue yet. You'd approach it as just concern for her. If you guys have a six month old baby, that is a huge factor.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Is there a history of PD behavior prior to birth and pregnancy?

I didn't realize it at the time, but in retrospect definitely. I wasn't young (mid 20's) when we started dating, but it was my first serious relationship. My parents showed little to no emotion growing up, so I thought what I was seeing was just normal enotion. Additionally, looking back, things escalated over time and I didn't notice because it was so slow. There was a significant jump in PD behavior post baby too.

Have you offered her similar breaks where she can take "her" time whether it's an active interest or just downtime?

Definitely. The problem is she never really had hobbies or too many friends pre-baby, and she doesn't want to do anything now. She gets on average of 1-1.5h each night with no responsibility (when I'm putting baby to bed and after - normally the 7-9pm range). She normally relaxes and looks at her phone, plays games on her phone, etc. I specifically tell her to leave the dishes and bottle parts for me to do after she goes to bed so I can make sure she has time too.

I've also made it abundantly clear that any time she wants to do something for herself to let me know and I'll make it happen. When I do this, it's a constant loop of "there isn't enough time", "I'm too tired", or my 'favorite' - "you're making me decide when I need free time". She's said several times how it's unfair that I get time to do stuff but she doesn't.

There may also be some codependency or something because she very much dislikes when I want to go do my own thing without her. That was definitely present pre baby.

I'm not so sure you suck at setting andenforcing boundaries. Surely there is more of this craft for you to learn, but it sounds like you're already on your way.

I have my moments, but most of the time I don't go great at setting and enforcing. I also may not have been clear enough about them yet. It seems silly to have to say "if you yell/swear at me, call me names, etc. I'm going to leave the room".

You do some sanity checks to make sure you're being fair, but you don't carry a huge load of guilt for going. You don't engage in blame games, namecalling, etc.

Yea. I also talk to my therapist about this a lot. My "is this reasonable" meter doesn't work too well anymore

But I should ask if you've pursued the PPD avenue yet. You'd approach it as just concern for her. If you guys have a six month old baby, that is a huge factor.

I have, yea. I originally thought it was PPD/PPA, but not anymore. In any case, this is actually where things get more complicated. She engaged the services of a therapist and a psychiatric NP with the intent of tricking them into diagnosing her with PPD/PPA so that she could get more paid time off work (disability). The providers said "yea you have PPD" and prescribed her meds. The providers think she takes the meds but she doesn't.

Wife thinks she's perfectly fine and has no problems. She obvious didn't tell the providers about the fits of rage where she berates me for cutting the bell peppers wrong or walking too loud. Or the other events pre-baby. So the providers would have no basis to assume something like BPD.

Anyways, a while after the diagnosis of PPD I had a very heartfelt conversation with wife. I mentioned that she seems a lot more anxious and on edge than one might expect, is having issues regulating her emotions, that she's having problems sleeping, and that it's very clearly affecting her. That I love her and care about her and I think she needs help. She just told me to f*** off and that I'm just trying to deflect how horrible of a partner I am.

So,yea... 🤷🤷🤷

Wow, that response was a lot longer than I intended.

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All makes sense.

You do not need to tell her "If you call me names I will leave the room," you can just do it.