Do PD's Do This

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kinsey_m

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #40 on: June 12, 2013, 08:07:45 AM »
Hi Oneness, I was beginning to wonder if it was only me. As you say, it may be only very few people, but when you have a loved one with who is bipolar (in my case my mother, who is one of the most loving people I know) or you are bipolar yourself, the mere suggestion that bipolar and PD is a similar thing is  :stars:

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kseaspirit

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #41 on: June 22, 2013, 01:09:32 PM »
The tough thing is working out which is which so you know what to be concerned about and what needs borders, boundaries or no comment!

Would it be helpful to approach from a different direction? Here's something that works for me:

Any behavior, any comment, any action, that:

- violates personal boundaries
- minimizes another human
- invalidates another person's existence
- mocks someone
- fosters hatred
- perpetuates cruel stereotypes
- inflicts fear
- causes guilt
- implies obligation
- intimidates
- is inconsiderate of others
- implies cruelty
- is blatantly self-serving
- inflicts unwanted influence
- is coercive
- causes pain: emotional or physical

Be they intentional, or through acts of omission - they're things we don't have to tolerate. People with PD's and nons both are equally capable of engaging in these behaviors.

We rarely, if ever,  see these behaviors from emotionally healthy and mentally stable people. Surrounding ourselves with people who don't is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves.

Thankyou. i am new here  and your post is helpful.

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Elizabeth Anne

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #42 on: June 28, 2013, 02:45:47 PM »
The most difficult thing is not being able to take your partner to therapy where a diagnosis could be made.  There is so much information out there but when I literally stumbled ac
ross NPD  I had already written a short story about my relationship - and when I read about the traits the devaluing, discarding and hoovering The rages at the slightest thing particularly a critical remark, the lack of empathy, the rollercoaster ride to name but a few - It was all in my book!  I still do not profess to know the diagnosis I just know something is wrong and nothing like I have ever experienced at this level before.

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Survivor43

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #43 on: July 15, 2013, 11:54:49 PM »
The tough thing is working out which is which so you know what to be concerned about and what needs borders, boundaries or no comment!

Would it be helpful to approach from a different direction? Here's something that works for me:

Any behavior, any comment, any action, that:

- violates personal boundaries
- minimizes another human
- invalidates another person's existence
- mocks someone
- fosters hatred
- perpetuates cruel stereotypes
- inflicts fear
- causes guilt
- implies obligation
- intimidates
- is inconsiderate of others
- implies cruelty
- is blatantly self-serving
- inflicts unwanted influence
- is coercive
- causes pain: emotional or physical

Be they intentional, or through acts of omission - they're things we don't have to tolerate. People with PD's and nons both are equally capable of engaging in these behaviors.

We rarely, if ever,  see these behaviors from emotionally healthy and mentally stable people. Surrounding ourselves with people who don't is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves.

Here is what bothers me:

As you said, NOns can display these behaviors too, but for me it is when I am at my wits end.
Then I feel horrible, apologize and beat myself up--the clincher is if I were to do any of the above,
it is to a PDd person who has pushed me beyond.

Please tell me I am not one of them!

PLLLEEEEAAASE!

They prob think I am b/c  they do not take ANY responsibilty!

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practicingacceptance

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #44 on: July 16, 2013, 12:41:52 AM »
my guess you aren't a PD. it is normal, too, when first realizing that PD is the problem in a r/s, to think that you are the crazy one.

you seem to be accepting responsibility for your own actions. that's a very good sign.  ;D

i was majorly infested with fleas at the end of my PD r/s. a little fumigation therapy and you'll be right as rain!

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malger

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #45 on: August 12, 2013, 07:11:35 PM »
I'm glad to see this post.  I would like things to be more PD specific as well, as I am looking to find out as much about SPD as possible.

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seagaot7

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #46 on: October 01, 2013, 09:01:01 PM »
thanks all

iv been cutting & pasting a lot of helpful responses. started a journal of good advice  :bighug:

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Becerella

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #47 on: December 15, 2013, 06:52:05 AM »
A newbie to this site and forum, ad already feel overwhelmed with strength and a sadness that comes from realisation and a bit of clarity. Im not alone in coping in a relationship/trying to keep a relationship afloat/realising said relationship probably needs to come to an end.  :(

Great advice and support  :-*   

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december

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Do PD's Do This
« Reply #48 on: December 20, 2013, 02:27:58 AM »
Thank you for your website-- it brought me strength and clarity during the end of a relationship with pd. It has been over long enough now that I am not so angry, and feel like I am almost back to what I knew of myself before the relationship. I'm starting to think about relationships and dating again.
I am struggling now with my empathy for my ex, for the glimpse that my ex gave me during our relationship into ex's own confusion and awareness of having a self that was a 'front'. This glimpse came at what would become the beginning of the end, cycles of being very close/loving then suddenly being angered at for lists of things that had either never happened or were blatantly untrue (if ex felt I was criticizing).
While I know I cannot change or heal anyone, and I know I do not want to experience that feeling of chaos again, I have great sadness for that person I loved dearly. And I don't know what to do with this. I don't know what is fair-- it is fair to me to move my life forward and surround myself with people who do understand how their actions affect others, but is it fair to know of a person's deep shame and confusion and walk away from it?

Life is not fair of course, but we all chose to live the way we live, and I know that it is a choice to maintain no contact.

I appreciate any thoughts. My own friends- rightfully so, as they learned after breakup some of what happened 'behind closed doors' so to speak - are having a hard time understanding why I still have what seems like an attachment to this person. I'm having a hard time figuring it out...

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Forsythia

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #49 on: March 12, 2014, 10:34:40 PM »
Attachment and mental illness are not incompatiable.  In fact, I think a lot of us end up with people with PD because we grew up that way. We feel comfortable in chaos.

You could be missing your relationship, you could be missing the chaos -- you have lots to grieve and figure out.

Also, I think people with PD probably tend to react poorly to the end of relationships, more poorly than the rest of us -- that can make us wonder why we stuck it out, to begin with. I have to remind myself, mine was NOT this nuts most of the years we were together. The breakup hurt him and reopened old wounds and challenged his (overly important) sense of self.


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923mimi

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #50 on: April 22, 2014, 02:20:07 AM »
I thought I would repost this brilliant list from Varja from early in this thread (reply number 9) so no one will miss this wisdom:

The tough thing is working out which is which so you know what to be concerned about and what needs borders, boundaries or no comment!

Would it be helpful to approach from a different direction? Here's something that works for me:

Any behavior, any comment, any action, that:

- violates personal boundaries
- minimizes another human
- invalidates another person's existence
- mocks someone
- fosters hatred
- perpetuates cruel stereotypes
- inflicts fear
- causes guilt
- implies obligation
- intimidates
- is inconsiderate of others
- implies cruelty
- is blatantly self-serving
- inflicts unwanted influence
- is coercive
- causes pain: emotional or physical

Be they intentional, or through acts of omission - they're things we don't have to tolerate. People with PD's and nons both are equally capable of engaging in these behaviors.

We rarely, if ever,  see these behaviors from emotionally healthy and mentally stable people. Surrounding ourselves with people who don't is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves.
« Last Edit: April 22, 2014, 02:22:39 AM by Generosa »

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Still Standing

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #51 on: May 05, 2014, 01:50:30 AM »
I thought I would repost this brilliant list from Varja from early in this thread (reply number 9) so no one will miss this wisdom:

The tough thing is working out which is which so you know what to be concerned about and what needs borders, boundaries or no comment!

Would it be helpful to approach from a different direction? Here's something that works for me:

Any behavior, any comment, any action, that:

- violates personal boundaries
- minimizes another human
- invalidates another person's existence
- mocks someone
- fosters hatred
- perpetuates cruel stereotypes
- inflicts fear
- causes guilt
- implies obligation
- intimidates
- is inconsiderate of others
- implies cruelty
- is blatantly self-serving
- inflicts unwanted influence
- is coercive
- causes pain: emotional or physical

Be they intentional, or through acts of omission - they're things we don't have to tolerate. People with PD's and nons both are equally capable of engaging in these behaviors.

We rarely, if ever,  see these behaviors from emotionally healthy and mentally stable people. Surrounding ourselves with people who don't is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves.


So so true! Emotionally healthy people do NOT display these behaviors and it is SO much easier to be around them! My husband has insisted for years that I'm the one who has problems with relationships.....i.e. it is not HIS problem. It took me a long time (20+ years!) before the penny dropped and I realized....why do I not have these problems with other people in my life, like my friends, my father, my children? Why is the relationship with HIM the only one that I am having trouble with? and hmmm, why does HE have no close friends and can't be close to his own children? MOST PEOPLE DO NOT ACT THIS WAY! what a great reminder.....again, I had been told for YEARS that I am the one with "the problem" and I kept trying and trying to "fix" it...came to the point where I realized I CAN'T FIX IT....and this relationship took so much WORK all done by ME!!!

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DameMelba001

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #52 on: May 11, 2014, 08:45:31 AM »
Good point Gary.

When you have lived with a PD partner who made you feel crazy for years and you knew things were bizarre but you couldn't work it out, and then you find a forum like this one it is just SUCH A RELIEF because suddenly there are plenty of other people quoting behaviour and patters (right down to near identical PD comments) that is identical to your PD.

It really does come as a shock to realise that the person you built your life with both did and said textbook things that were identical to thousands of other people.

It is a bit confronting to realise that your husband, wife, parent, Ex etc actually wasn't complicated and unique in many ways .... They were a personality 'type' !

It's a really bonding experience with other forum members, but you make a good point that it is easy to bundle these PD people into a big lot, tie them up and paint them with the same brush.

You are right - they are not all the same, and we need to not get carried away :)

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Long Time

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #53 on: October 14, 2014, 10:07:56 PM »
Quote
I know when I first started I was subconsciously looking for anything and everything I could pin that tail on that would not point to it being my fault. Back then to have thought that it was all or much of anypart my fault would have been a dangerous thing....So it's natural to do that and maybe even necessary for awhile.

I think part of this, too, Gary, is that for some of us, we go so long with feeling like we are crazy, and having the N's, or BP's, or the whomevers, making us think that we are crazy, that by the time we arrive here, and the fog starts to lift, we are literally CRAVING validation.  That's what I get from so many of these posts...we actually need to relive those experiences...we have been conditioned to doubt ourselves, that we have this intense desire to check, and double check, and make sure again, that we were not crazy.  Just like many PD's share similar character traits, I really do see that this need for validation is a similar trait for Non's.  Why else would we sit here and relive and talk about so many painful memories and experiences...almost feeling as if we can't let go?  And we can't let go until we are convinced that we were not the crazy ones.  I think it's all part of the healing process.  Once we get past the need for validation, that's when I think we can then turn inward and say, "aha...yes, now I see what I did...what I should have done...and when I should have done it..."

And mine was lactose intolerant too.  Too funny.
“That is life... to begin again when everything is lost!”
― A.J. Cronin

"Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires and a touch that never hurts"
- Charles Dickens

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kkcobb

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #54 on: March 31, 2015, 07:57:42 PM »
Just wondering if other NPD's do this?  unNPD husband OFTEN will state something like, "Will you go get the "thing" over there by the "thing"?  In a serious way.  No kidding.  Like he expects me/the children to know what the thing #1 and thing #2 are?  I've become so adept at interpreting that usually I know without asking.  I realize this is not a big deal, or deal breaker (many other issues are), but is this the mentality that everyone should just KNOW what he wants?   :-\

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Long Time

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #55 on: March 31, 2015, 08:46:45 PM »
but is this the mentality that everyone should just KNOW what he wants?   :-\

In PD land, your answer is yes.
“That is life... to begin again when everything is lost!”
― A.J. Cronin

"Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires and a touch that never hurts"
- Charles Dickens

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CloudBurst

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #56 on: June 04, 2015, 08:05:55 AM »
Be careful gary - somebody might just take that idea and run with it  :bigwink: ... although frankly 'my unBPD doesn't eat cheese, she's lactose intolerant' ;) !

Thanx for the reminder though - yes, it's easy to fall into the 'do your PD's do this' trap ... I think it's worse during the 'awakening' phase when we realize that alot of the abuse that we have been suffering isn't as rare and freaky as we had thought.  So much of living with PD's is about feeling like nobody gets what we're going through.  And since many of the PD's in our lives don't seem to want to own their behavior - its nice to have something to 'blame' the abuse on ... chalking it up as just another symptom sometimes feels better !

My uNPD  mum is also lactose intolerant. Spooky!!!!!  :stars:

However, i too am lactose intolerant.

However, i am partial to a bit of goat's cheese.........

lol.

 ;D Cheesy grin.
"What will you now do with the gift of your left life?" Carol Ann Duffy

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Reswob

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #57 on: July 20, 2015, 06:46:32 AM »
Kkcobb, my narcissistic/paranoid mother used to do that too. She'd ask us to "put the thing in the thing next to the thing" or make other similar demands. She'd get enraged when she wasn't understood.
The misplaced zygote weaves its own legends, forges its own truth and syntheses its own reality.

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LeeJane

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #58 on: July 20, 2015, 08:31:22 AM »
Just wondering if other NPD's do this?  unNPD husband OFTEN will state something like, "Will you go get the "thing" over there by the "thing"?  In a serious way.  No kidding.  Like he expects me/the children to know what the thing #1 and thing #2 are?  I've become so adept at interpreting that usually I know without asking.  I realize this is not a big deal, or deal breaker (many other issues are), but is this the mentality that everyone should just KNOW what he wants?   :-\

Oh YES!!  I am expected to be a mind reader.  Also calling people by the wrong name and I am meant to know who uPDhub means! 

Over the years I have become an expert in PD language!!   :)

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Prima

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Re: Do PD's Do This
« Reply #59 on: August 06, 2015, 11:58:55 AM »
Thanks Gary.

You are right. We have to be so careful with too much generalisations. I must say you have made me laugh with your reference to the Tuna sandwich. I needed that.