Back and looking for insight/advice

[Pine]

Hi!
I have posted once before on this forum, I have been thinking about sharing a bit more context about my story for a while... I believe I have been through narcissistic abuse because of the extremely manipulative nature of what I dealt with.
 
I don't know exactly what I want to get out of sharing the following information, probably support from people who understand, even if just to a certain extent.
I hope it's not too long of a read... but here goes.

I remember I met my ex on an online app (not an exclusively dating one)I had spoken to her for about 2 hours (was our first time talking) and I told her I didn't think I wanted a relationship at that time (I had just gotten out of a long ish term relationship at the time) and she responded with "fine! Have fun pushing people away" and proceeded to block me before I could get another word in...
when I told a couple of friends they agreed it was a very odd response.

Nevertheless, I felt bad and felt that she was right, that I did push people away (looking back I never pushed others away only stated boundaries and she was the only one to challenge it in such a way without knowing me)

Following this, she begged one of my friends to speak to me again, apparently, she stated "I want it more than anything" bare in mind we didn't know each other so even my friend thought it was way too intense coupled with what had happened and the fact she kept flirting with me despite me gently rejecting.

I tried telling her multiple times that I liked speaking to her but couldn't see myself in a relationship for several reasons including long distance and the fact that I didn't feel like jumping into another relationship so soon after my breakup, she never took the hint, I started ignoring her texts (we had only known each other for a few days!) she sent me good night texts without us talking for a whole day, that prompted me to reply to her and so the cycle went on... all the while without me really wanting it to but I just felt that even so early on she had this unexplainable power over me.

I did end up developing feelings for her over time (unfortunately) but even back then felt that these feelings developed out of guilt, manipulation and general toxicity and not in a healthy natural way.

I hated it then and hate it even more after having a chance to process all the abuse she put me through after these "red flags" but my main question is, even from 2 hours in, she had managed to manipulate and guilt trip me into doing what she wanted me to? How do they do that? And why are they so invested so early on?

I noticed she never changed her attitude towards me, just like she had managed to play me in her favour the very first time 2 hours in she did it each time even after 10 months.

She had previously manipulated me using sex and whenever I did try and end it as I had realised she was no good for me (she called me a child when I told her that I felt suicidal, told my personal stuff to MY friend, hit me as a "joke" whilst shouting at me, generally didn't respect my boundaries etc.)

she always either attacked me making me question reality and events, making me think I was wrong for trying to break up,  or let me but a couple days later messaged me saying she was at the hospital and missed me and that the meds were doing the talking... you might think how convenient... either way I still feel like an idiot because I always let her win, I went back to her after she manipulated me so many times and about such serious things which have genuinely altered the way I see myself and I just always felt like I was walking on eggshells, I always felt like I couldn't think properly because if I did find the strength to block her this wouldn't last as I'd reminisce about the few good times and the guilt worked really well on me.

I genuinely believed everything she said even when others, including professionals, would tell me her words didn't match her actions or her behaviours didn't make sense.

The only time I was able to see her true colours and realised it was all abuse was when she said "congratulations , I'm going to the hospital" because I replied to her in an off tone for the first time, the day after she verbally attacked me to the point of giving me a massive panic attack and caused me to nearly go to the hospital myself because I couldn't stop shaking, was panicking etc.

Anyways, fast forward to the present day, it has been 2 years and a month since last speaking to her and having the sheer luck of her having fucked up to the point I had no more excuses for her as well as me having a good support system in place which asked me to never reach out to her again and were there when she began calling on no caller ID multiple times a day for a week straight. I will be forever grateful to the people who helped me to get out and for the way things played out, there is a high chance had I found more excuses for her I would have still been in that situation.

I am currently working with a psychologist to try and overcome the relentless anxiety I feel, it still feels like yesterday to me and I can hear her voice in my head anytime I do something slightly wrong.

She never leaves my mind and i say that in the worst way possible, I don't wish to get back with her in any shape or form, in fact just accidentally seeing her name makes my heart race. I have tried CBT but with little success, thinking to try emdr therapy, ironically it was someone on this forum who suggested it to me in the first place.

Is it possible to be coerced like this? ... I feel stupid because I should have known better and often think I'm overreacting and that I need to just move on but I feel lost... would anyone help me understand? Has anyone been in a similar situation?
Thank you so much for reading this and for any reply, i appreciate anyone taking the time to help me with this.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Pine,

I read your post and am sorry you are struggling. In my experiences, PD's are master manipulators.  There is a whole host of tools they use to manipulate and those terms are found here:

https://outofthefog.website/traits

I am a fan of Dr Ramani. Since 'self' is the foundational focus of personality disordered people, Dr. Ramani uses the term 'narcissist' for her videos. She goes over the main traits (our experiences) here:

Dr. Ramani: Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3QtnfcMTMhEfRXN-Kk2vndn89nBZxKUj

Please understand also that personality disordered people are predatory in the way they seek out people to be perfect targets of their manipulation.  Therefore the target person is 'prey'.  It may be helpful to think about 'predator' and 'prey'.  I will encourage you to think about the animal kingdom and how predators seek out specific prey to feed upon. You and I and our friends here at Out of the FOG are prey, not predators.

Prey have a role in the life of a predator. The prey's role is to be food for the predator and so prey must already have the traits that the predator is seeking.  In your situation, consider that your own traits may be the ones that this female predator is seeking.  In my opinion, the way to stop attracting predators is to stop being the prey they desire.  We cannot change the predator, but we can become undesirable prey. Once we do that, the predator will eventually need to eat and find another person with the traits that attracted them to us in the first place. 

Im only voicing this opinion because your writing seems to express that she has some sort of mental and/or emotional power that affects you even if she's currently absent from your life.  You were manipulated in ways that were designed to have deep effect on you, because you are the type of prey the predator knew would be vulnerable to the predator's manipulation.  What may seem like some wild power this other person may have on you mentally, may just be because you were the perfect prey for that type of predator.  Imo, you and I were set up (chosen) as ideal prey because we deeply absorb these types of manipulation.

I believe understanding that these situations are simply designed by the predator because our traits align with the prey-traits they desire, that our comprehension allows us to mentally shift that presumed power away from the predator and transfer the power to ourselves.  It's really the prey who holds the power of self-control!  If we stop being the that type of prey, the predator(s) will find suitable prey elsewhere.  Predator PD's never change, but the prey have the power to change themselves. You have the power to change yourself and end the cycles of abusive relationships.

Wishing you all the best,

SoT

[Lookin 2 B Free]

 

It sounds like you've been through some very painful stuff, Pine.  I'm glad you shared with us and hope you keep checking in.

Many of us started out as children in families with PDs or other dysfunctions which set us up as targets for this.  I have found EMDR and Somatic Experiencing to help more than CBT talk therapy.  I've recently become interested in Internal Family Systems therapy which also looks very promising.   

Good luck and let us know how you're doing!

[Pine]

Thank you for your replies and advice.
 
I have relayed my story on another website with victims of narcissistic abuse and it turns out that unfortunately it is a common scenario... it is awful and heartbreaking and I just wish to move on as soon as I can.
 
I will be trying to start emdr therapy soon, I haven't heard of somatic experiencing but will be looking into it.