Dealing with "Rudeness"

[HowDidIGetHere]

I could use some advice on how to combat "rudeness". And by rudeness, I mean my wife calls me rude at the drop of a hat.

Tonight she made dinner (which was excellent and I thanked her for), and as she was playing she said "oh, this really needs a sauce". Being ever helpful, I said that he had some sauce in the fridge that would be great.

Wife comment, yea but it's cold. I replied that I could warm it up - it would only take a minute. Wife gets frustrated and huffy and raised her voice a bit and said that she's already dishing up the food and didn't want to wait. I said ok no worries.

Then she startd calling me rude. Saying I'm rude all the time. I said that all I did was suggest a sauce. She goes on about how it's "how I said it".

This happens a lot. And I don't know how to handle it. If I ignore her calling me rude, she pesters me about ignoring her.


Earlier in the week she dropped a glass jar which broke. I told her I'd clean it up. (She had already started but was trying to make dinner too.) She gets mad and yells at me and tells me I'm rude for doing it wrong and for not asking her what she wanted me to do. She tells me just to grab the baby, so I do.

She swore at me, called me names, and yelled at me. So I took baby to another room. She continued to swear and yell and name call. I said "I understand you're upset, but your response isn't acceptable." And she just told me to fuck off.

We sat down for dinner with her still mad and not speaking to me. I tried to engage in light normal conversation, and she eventually softened. As the night progressed she calmed down to the point things were normal and she acted like nothing happened.

Somehow we got on the topic of "Karen's" and she made a comment about how it's horrible how bad people treat wait staff and the like. That it's ok to be upset or angry, but not ok to yell at or berate people trying to help you. The irony was lost on her.

So, the question remains - how do I handle her calling me rude all the time?

Was I rude for not asking what she wanted of me with the broken glass?

[sunshine702]

Oh my goodness this happens to me all the time too.  That exact word rude.  And I also do not think I am being rude - I am frustrated, I disagree, I worry the the answer is no but rarely do I set out to be RUDE. That just isn't really in my nature - to me it's playing dominance games to be rude. 

So I wonder if rude is "splitting" and does not have to do with what happened but what they see everything through.  Loud broken jar people in her perception is rude.  Even though you were being the opposite of rude trying to handle the situation.

My dad has panic disorder and would rage around loud sounds it was awful for us as kids. Painted black - all bad equals rude.

My partner and I used to pride ourselves on manners - thank you cards and all so the accusation stung. 

How to deal ... know that it is a catch all word and don't believe it. 

[notrightinthehead]

Howdidigethere, what you describe is not normal behavior. What you describe is a person who doesn't control her impulses and explodes over small provocations. Telling one's partner to F off when they are trying to be helpful is considered "rude" by a lot of people. It's not really the way kind and loving people communicate with each other.

If you are dealing with a difficult person, your best bet would be to give up any hope of ever changing them. For you that means, settling down with the realization that your partner sees you as rude. And whatever you do, she will continue to think of you as rude. Now, you probably don't want to be seen as rude and you don't want to think of yourself as rude, so make sure that you consistently behave in a way that you can see yourself as a kind and considerate person. But give up any hope that you can convince your partner to see you any other way than she sees you.

If I have learned anything about living with a PD it's that what they reflect is distorted by their own feelings and has nothing or very little to do with what actually happened.

There is a baby in the mix and I presume you want to give that baby the best chance of growing up in a healthy environment. Therefore I urge you to study the Toolbox and get the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" by  Fjelstad.

In the sauce situation, you could have said "I am sure it will be fine" instead of suggesting a solution. Or "you think so?". Non committal, no advice, no solution. Nothing that can give a handle to vent frustration. Always knowing that you will be considered rude, or not supportive, or not loving whatever you do.

In the broken glass situation you did the best by removing the baby and yourself from the situation, giving your wife time to collect herself.

You probably ignored a multitude of red flags to get you here, now you have arrived, get working on yourself, become the most stable, healthiest person you can be for yourself and your baby.

[Queenfrog]

This is such a classic pattern! My uOCPDh doesn't call me "rude," but for decades the theme has been that I am "incompetent", a "child", a "two year old", a "moron", and many other variations on that theme. "Stop doing dopey stuff" was a favorite of his for a while. "Make better decisions faster" was a go-to for many years.

For years I worried about the fact that he SEES me that way, even though I thought I was able to let the insults roll off my back without hurting me. It took a while to realize that I could not change it. And that it was hurting me. Then I started using exit strategies whenever he used those types of insults. Now at least he knows he'd better not go down that road unless he's fine with me leaving the apartment. I no longer worry about how he sees me, which is a relief even though it's still hard sometimes.

"Rude" seems harder to deal with, in a way, because it's not exactly a put-down. Well, maybe it is! It's perfectly fine to exit until you cool down, right? You don't have to cater to her AT ALL. Then you can remember and appreciate that it's her PD talking. It helps me to remember that the insult comes from their own anxiety and insecurity. It's truly not about you.

I respectfully disagree with the suggestion that you should "make sure that you consistently behave in a way that you can see yourself as a kind and considerate person". You might wear that too heavily. For years I dwelt in the notion that I'm somehow incompetent at life and had to try harder. Maybe I'm a klutz. Maybe you are rude sometimes. So what. Just be yourself and watch out for fleas!

[sunshine702]

This is emotional abuse.  We are being abused every single day.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/bpd-ends-a-relationship/