Fired a friend today

[Rebel13]

I made a decision a while ago to not see this friend any more. We were excellent work friends, but I have left that job. I really loved spending time with the friend's children, but the friend's verbal abuse of the children became too hard for me to witness, reminding me of how my parents talked to me and the damage it did. I've been in avoidance mode for a while, but today the friend pressed me about getting together. I declined and gave reasons that were both true and kind -- nothing about verbal abuse. I didn't see how that would be helpful.

I had a bunch of feelings! I was nervous, realizing I was going to have to have the conversation I'd been avoiding. I was glad I had already thought through and practiced some things to say! I definitely felt the impulse to give in and make plans, because that would be the easier course. I felt sad for hurting feelings, and cried, even though over the past months I've felt so much anger at this friend about the behavior I've observed. Now that it's done, I just feel relieved.

I can't tell you how proud of myself I am for handling this so well. It has been a long time coming. After a lifetime of troubled friendships that I've managed with  avoidance, making nice, stuffing down my own feelings, needs, and desires, until finally I couldn't take it anymore and I'd explode and cause way more harm than necessary. After so many years I've finally learned it's OK to leave without needing to get furious to generate the momentum to get out.

[notrightinthehead]

Congratulations Rebel! Did you do a fade? Pity about the kids, you probably were a positive person in their life.

[walking on broken glass]

Congratulations for handling the situation so well!    What a relief it must be.

After so many years I've finally learned it's OK to leave without needing to get furious to generate the momentum to get out.

I need to really reflect on that and start applying it myself! I have a friend that I feel ambivalent about and, while there are positive things about her, I never initiate contact with her and conversations leave me with an unpleasant taste most of the time. I've known her for a long time and it's hard to 'break up' but I have managed to distance myself.

[Rebel13]

Thanks you two! I tried to do a fade, but yesterday friend popped up trying to set a specific date to hang out. I didn't feel like making excuses or weaseling out anymore.

I feel really, really sad about the kids. They are awesome -- funny and smart and lively. But I can see them struggling with what their parents are doing. The older one knows how to text me, so we'll see how that goes. I wish I could help more.

There were positive things about this friend too -- that's what makes these things so hard, right? Friend helped me a lot at my former job and I'm still really grateful for that. Another reason I didn't want to let my anger get the better of me. I hope the distancing sticks with your friend, walking on broken glass! Some people seem unable to pick up on those cues and need things stated flat out.

[walking on broken glass]

Well done for being so direct!

I am not sure about my own friend, as we go a while back and we were close for some time. I don't think she wants to get the hint. She is one of those people who will persevere even though they can clearly see you want some space. When I first distanced myself she was very resistant, complained, sulked and was passive - aggressive. Eventually she accepted that the pace of the relationship had changed  and did not bother me very often - which is where we have landed now. We talk every now and then but I never initiate contact. She must realize that but she keeps getting in touch. I think she sees me as a sort of mentor to whom she has to report her achievements and show off how great her life is. It is tiring but it's very difficult for me to tell her.

Sorry for hijacking your post!

[Rebel13]

Not at all!  I love the conversations and sharing. 

[Catothecat]

Like most people, I suspect, I do the "slow fade out" when it comes to removing a problematic "friend" from my life.  Usually it works, until it doesn't. 

One "friend" was a typical narcissistic my-way-or-the-highway type, who only wanted to be around me on her time and her terms.  For a long time I was okay with this, but finally I realized she was only using me as her free therapist.  All of our conversations were about her and her issues.  We couldn't do anything "fun" like going to a restaurant or getting coffee.  She would find excuses to turn down my suggestions that we do something other than me sitting around her apartment or going for walks with her while she discussed her latest problems. 

The slow fade didn't work with her.  If she didn't hear from me for a few months, she would call and "need to talk." And I would accommodate her.  Then I didn't hear from her for about a year or so, thought she finally got the hint.  But then I ran into her in store and couldn't avoid the inevitable "we need to get together" convo.  Except I suddenly felt I could no longer deal with her.  Before I had time to allow myself to consider my options, I bluntly asked her why we should get together since we only ever did what she wanted to do, she only ever wanted to talk about herself and showed no interest in me, etc.  Basically, why should we remain friends when we really weren't "friends" in the true sense.

She had no response (probably because she knew what I said was true) and walked away in a huff.  I was sorry to hurt her, but I was tired of considering her feelings when she never considered mine. 

Interestingly, I ran into her again some years later (maybe about five or so).  Again, we were in a store and she was looking for someone's phone to use because she didn't have hers or it wasn't working or something and she had an emergency with her car.  Since I knew her, I offered her my phone.  And she didn't recognize me!  At first I thought maybe she was playing it cool, but I soon realized she really didn't know who I was.  I hadn't changed that much that I would be unrecognizable.  Rather, it was just more evidence of her core narcissism.  Once I was no longer useful to her, she forgot about me as if I'd never existed as her so-called "friend." 

What a weird experience.

[Rebel13]

Sometimes they do push you to it, Cat! I was re-reading the text thread with my friend, and I realized that at least twice in the conversation I provided opportunities for friend to bow out gracefully, not answering the direct question and instead asking general questions about how things were going. And friend just would not drop it, kept coming back to "let's get together on this day"! So I realized I was going to have the conversation. I was SO GLAD I had already thought a lot about it (since maybe November, actually LOL) and had ideas of what to say to let the friend down gently. I wonder if friend will look over the conversation and realize I wasn't actually responding to the things that were being said, or if, having had their say, it will be taken at face value and not revisited.

In any case, it was the right decision, and clearly getting away from your "friend" was the right decision for you too!

[walking on broken glass]

And she didn't recognize me!  At first I thought maybe she was playing it cool, but I soon realized she really didn't know who I was.  I hadn't changed that much that I would be unrecognizable.  Rather, it was just more evidence of her core narcissism.  Once I was no longer useful to her, she forgot about me as if I'd never existed as her so-called "friend."

Wow Catothecat, that's indeed so revealing! And I bet it made you feel better about cutting off contact with her. The damage could not have been that deep if she couldn't even remember you 😹

[Catothecat]

Honestly, glass and Rebel, dealing with that friend was one of the more unsettling encounters I've had in my life.  That someone could just erase me from their memory like that.

And if anyone thinks maybe she was becoming demented or something, I ran into her AGAIN about 20 years later.  I was in physical therapy and there she was.  No, she was same as she ever was.  Totally unaware of who I was.  We shared a therapist so I was on the table next to her. Even if I had been blind I would've known it was her by her droning blather about what a wonderful person she was (she was going on about attending a music festival where she made so many new friends because she's such a great person and can talk to anyone!). 

While I loved my physical therapy and had been sorry it was my last session (due to insurance) after that I was glad I wasn't coming back.

[walking on broken glass]

Lucky that this happened on your last session! Imagine if you had to deal with her throughout...

[Rebel13]

I saw my friend the other day at a work-related event and there was a chilly wind blowing from that direction! I'm wondering if some of the implications of what I said sunk in over time. I still feel bad for hurting feelings, for not being "loyal" to someone who helped me a lot. But, in thinking about it afterwards, I realized that I was still relieved and it was still the right decision, for me. Even after all these years, I feel so new at allowing the complexity of "just because I or someone else feels bad, doesn't mean I did the wrong thing."  :exploding_head:

[notrightinthehead]

I think that never goes away completely. But we can unlearn to act on it.