End times?

[doglady]

My father has been assessed by Aged Care, although he was asleep while the assessor was there, and uPDm - who basically lies all the time, particularly by omission - answered all the questions about him!    So it's highly debatable how accurate any of that was. One of my brothers has apparently shared his concerns about this with the Aged Care team, thank goodness.

Another brother has organised for a solicitor to see uPDm later this week regarding getting her will done. She doesn't have one at all!! Mind you, this is a woman who has always vowed - quite seriously - that God would help her live to 200 (you think I'm joking but I'm not - she literally believes this). So I suppose it's possible she'll find the solicitor's visit quite premature.

One of my sisters is flying in from the UK (to Australia), her plan being to start a massive clean up at my parents' hoarded home. I'm not sure anyone has told my parents and I have reiterated I will not be participating in this activity. I offered many times to help over a number of decades and was either screamed at by my parents or ghosted by most of my siblings, so the statute of limitations has well passed on that one.

[doglady]

My parents are now apparently being moved from hospital care into an aged care facility - but for 'respite' only at this stage. I believe permanent care is currently being arranged.

I am not the arranger of all this, nor do I have, or want, any input into the situation. My four siblings are apparently all communicating daily with each other and being so supportive of each other and pulling together to make things happen and I have been told that 'everyone is on the same page.' Whatever. 
Better late than never, I suppose.

It's no real surprise that my mental health is pretty poor at the moment, which I can mostly attribute to having anything at all to do with my FOO, who are all so stressed about my parents and all that they are (choosing) to do for them etc etc. I am not interested in any way in listening to any of this, and if that makes me the unsympathetic arsehole then so be it. I strongly sense that some sibs are put out by this, that I'm not there fore them. Well, they're right - I'm not. Perhaps some chickens have come home to roost.

I also have health issues and FOC worries of my own and have really have hit a wall the last day or so. So I will be stepping back from anything to do with FOO, yet again, because every time I have anything to do with them I get really physically unwell and spiral into self-loathing due to my programming. At least I know all this and can keep working on it, but I think I can only recover if I have as little to do with FOO as possible.

Thanks for reading.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi dog lady,
I am really sorry your mental health has been affected by all this. Not surprising of course; look after yourself. I think you have every right to step back and let your siblings deal with all this. If they resent you for it, so be it. They scapegoated you when you were trying to knock some sense into them and help; if they choose to scapegoat you now too and they are unable to see the irony in all this, it's their problem. Good for them for agreeing on how to proceed with your parents but they don't need you - and you don't need any of that. Look after yourself and keep your distance. Sending you hugs

[TimetoHeal]

Hey, dog lady,

Thank you for updating us.  I have been thinking about you, because I feel like we are in similar parallel universes right now!  Boy can I relate to hitting a wall mentally and physically dealing with all this!

Please, please, take care of yourself as best you can.  I have been forcing myself to walk, read, swim, watch funny TV, listen to guided meditations, and sleep as much as I possibly can so I don't fall down while trying to deal with my mother's current crisis.  Maybe some of those things may help you as well?

Anyway, we are here for you.  I thank God for THIS family here every day.

[Rebel13]

Hi doglady, I watched a youtube video yesterday by a guy who deals with homes that maybe are somewhat like your parents' home, and he talked a lot about how difficult that scenario is for the children, how every time they try to help or improve the situation they are attacked and abused and accused of causing the problem. It made me think about you and I'm glad to hear your update, that you are hanging in there and taking the best care of yourself you can.

I've been thinking about my situation with my mother lately and how hard it is to know what the "truth" is -- for such a long time it was clear to me that she is/was "the problem" but with some distance, I can see how, from a lot of perspectives, I might be considered "the problem" for not being loving enough or patient enough or whatever. It hurts to think that people might not see my point of view, but I continue to come back to the realization that I don't care. I know my life and mental health are better when I don't have to deal with her.

So I very much understand where you are coming from. There was a saying I used to hear that was something like "Where we stand depends on where we sit," and I think it's true, that most people understand things from their own perspective and only much later, if at all, have an experience or something that makes them look at it in another way. Myself included. Maybe the best any of us can do is try to care for ourselves and the people who care for us, and if there's any left over, give back what we can where it's wanted and appreciated. It sure sounds like you are doing that.

[doglady]

So, I have set a boundary in the last days where I have told siblings that I cannot accommodate them here in my house. It's way too triggering for me to have them here debriefing about all the parent stuff.

I am also not going to seek any further information about my parents. They are very old, now in aged care, and as well cared for as they can be, so I'm at peace about that. I also won't be dehoarding their house.

And I won't be entering into any further discussions with siblings or extended family about various family members and what is not being 'done right.' There seems to be so much back-channelling going on and I cannot be bothered. I think I felt I was slowly being dragged back in - and I've pulled myself out of it just in time.

I also have breast cancer and will be starting radiotherapy next week and that's a good enough reason for me to totally divorce myself from any of this crap. 

Thanks so much for your recent posts, WOBG, TtH and Rebel13. Your support means a lot and has been so helpful. Hopefully I can offer more support to you all in the future as frankly I'm so sick of my FOO crap taking up any more of my time and space.

[walking on broken glass]

Kudos to you, dog lady! All of them excellent decisions. Well done on guarding and protecting your peace.

I wish you strength for your radiotherapy. I hope it goes as smoothly as possible. I will be thinking of you. As you said, one more reason to look after yourself.

[TimetoHeal]

Way to go, dog lady!    You have set some very wise and strong boundaries here for yourself!  You are correct that you are going to need every bit of your energy for your healing right now.  That is all you need to think about.  I will be sending up prayers or good thoughts, whichever you prefer, and thinking about you during this time.  Come back and let us know how you're doing as you're able.   

[doglady]

Update:
Both parents still alive and now in aged care, but only on extended respite. In Australia, residents can have aged care respite for a certain amount of time each year, before they either have to go home or be made permanent. Both my parents have been recommended for permanent aged care placement. But my mother refuses to sign the forms. She still insists that she is going home despite having absolutely no capacity to do so. My father has been deemed legally not competent to sign anything.

Theoretically she can go, and possibly take him with her. One of my brothers is applying for a guardianship order for my father but it's taking a ridiculously long time to be approved despite being deemed urgent.

My father continues to slowly deteriorate. He is asleep most days and not eating. His delirium comes and goes.

My mother was until recently insisting that she was going to take him home with her. Now she has apparently changed her mind and is outright lying that she had ever said she was taking him home. Her doctor said to me privately 'she couldn't lie straight in bed.'

Stupidly I offered to have a meeting with nursing staff and aged care liaison to try and get the message across to mother, because all my siblings live far away. I know, I know, what WAS I thinking? She was so vile to me and said in front of staff that she could provide 24/7 care for my father in their home. When I enquired how - as she would have to sleep at some point - she replied that because I had broken her heart some years previously she never sleeps any more now and that she could therefore be awake all night and day to care for him.

I had been trying to be caring and had been visiting them weekly (with my Border Collie as my father loves dogs) in the aged care facility that she is currently trying to bust out of.  It during the most recent visit she variously told me that she would rather have died than put her own mother into aged care, and that she is worried that I will inherit all their diseases (actually said in a tone that suggested she was instead cursing me rather than being worried).

So I haven't been back for three weeks. She is so fucking vile.

She has also been threatening suicide if we don't do what she wants. She says 'you're not listening'. I replied, 'we are listening, we just don't agree.' For my mother, "listening" has always been code for bending to her will.

My siblings have a WhatsApp that they made and included me, but I'm hardly on it. They spend a fair bit of time complaining about the aged care staff, as my mother phones and tells them all about it. I do not speak to my mother at all on the phone. When she tried whispering and complaining to me about the staff on a visit, I said you'll need to talk to them about it. Which she won't do, and then acts like some scared little girl who is worried she 'will get into trouble.' She triangulates and splits the staff, the medics and the family. Everyone can see it. But not everyone will stand up to her. When I did recently she accused me of being 'cold, clinical and perfunctory' with her. I answered 'well, I see it as being calm, rational and practical but I can see how that might not suit your narrative' - she just lives for bloody drama all the time.

I may visit tomorrow. Not sure yet. I plan to leave at the first sign of bullshit.

So get this. I was out for years. And now I've been hauled back in. I blame myself for allowing it to happen.

When does it end????

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Doglady,
I am so sorry you are dragged back into this. I admire you for how you have been handling everything, showing empathy while trying to remain calm and keep your distance. If the visits are draining you, you don't have to go through with them. You can watch everything from afar. It looks like your mum doesn't appreciate your visits anyway, is being difficult and actively tries to make you feel bad, while not taking on any of your reasonable advice. Just remember: you don't have to go. You have the power over this and no one can make you do anything you don't want to do. It ends when you feel it should end.

[Rebel13]

I'm really sorry. It's such a no-win situation -- if you go, you'll get dumped on. If you don't go, she'll tell anyone who will listen what an awful daughter you are.

I think all you can do is what you can do, under the circumstances, and let her tell whatever story she needs to tell.

she replied that because I had broken her heart some years previously she never sleeps any more now 

I'm sorry, but LOL! Does she think she is in a daytime movie on the Hallmark channel?

For my mother, "listening" has always been code for bending to her will.

Yep, so true! This is not the first time I have seen this pointed out, that when they say "You don't listen to me" what they mean is "You don't do what I tell you to."

When I did recently she accused me of being 'cold, clinical and perfunctory' with her. I answered 'well, I see it as being calm, rational and practical but I can see how that might not suit your narrative'

Doglady FTW!!!!

When does it end????

It is SO AWFUL that probably the end is death. We should not be put in the position of looking forward to that, just so we can have some peace for ourselves.

[Call Me Cordelia]

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

-Oscar Wilde

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wanted to add: Your mother is so over the top. I don't think she would able to fool too many people with the smear campaign. Saying in front of staff she's able to stay up all night caretaking because you broke her heart? Yeah, I can pretty much guarantee they're all in your side already. If that was any of your business. 

[doglady]

Hi all

Thank you for your support. It means so much.

I visited my parents today after a three week hiatus.

My mother has been prescribed endone (oxycontin) and targin (oxycodone) due to a fall the other day. I really hope she stays on these meds as she was actually bearable today and reasonably pleasant although quite talkative. Yay for opioids in this case. She was quite un-'Hallmark Daytime Movie' for once. (Rebel13, you absolutely nailed it!!)

My father was quiet but quite compos mentis. He probably couldn't get a word in. But he enjoyed patting my dog.

As I left today - because I'd brought my dog in and had to take her home - he said 'yeah, you'd better take her I suppose...but I never like to see you go.'

Honestly, you could've knocked me over with a feather. It's the nicest thing he's ever said to me, in nearly 63 years. I drove home thinking about it and then I told my husband and he said my father must've been delusional. Well...maybe. I choose to believe he meant it. But who really knows.

I am watching from afar even when I'm there, WOBG. I see it all for what it is.

And CMC, one of the staff did say to me when I my parents first went to the aged care facility, 'Your mother is certainly...masterful...isn't she?' Most of them are onto her all right although she has a couple of particularly naive staff sucked right in.

[SaintBlackSheep]

I've just read this entire thread after coming up for air from being drowned in my own parental dramas, and whooo boy! This quote!

It's a lot. But see, even saying all that, I feel it makes me look like I am weak and 'fishing' for sympathy. I still feel like I shouldn't make any of this 'about me' and even posting here is like that. Gahhh! I could kick myself. This bloody training we have from such a young age to never have needs of our own and to always consider the cult leader's feelings and wants before our own is just so intense. I mean I do consider my own needs but I also have such negative feelings about doing so due to being told how selfish I was as a young child. I still really beat myself up over it now and then. I guess it's still a major flea for me, one which I have to keep working on.

Wow, am I living in that reality right now! Thank you for putting it to words. This is where I keep getting stuck. My therapist keeps telling me it's my inner child who was programmed to mistake my parents' needs as my own, but she keeps reminding me I am an adult now. Being an adult has not made it easier.
I can put up the boundaries, I can leave the bad triggering situations that would otherwise reduce me to the worst version of myself, and I can definitely protect my children and break that damn cycle, but then I feel SO SO ROTTEN after, and keep feeling this invisible thread pulling me back to my perpetually miserable and conflict-seeking parents. I KNOW nothing I will ever say will make a difference to them. I KNOW they will never truly hear and understand me. It's a real mind bender!
Your parents could have avoided so much pain and lived a pleasant life if they'd just listened to you. Mine, too. And I just want to find that invisible thread that keeps trying to pull me back to them and SNIP IT but it keeps slipping through my fingers. It's hard to heal with this invisible tether around my neck.
And as I finish typing this, my maladapted brain keeps telling me "you just made someone else's post 'all about yourself!'" but then some other slightly healed part of me is saying "we all need to feel like we're not alone. Abuse and family dysfunction can only perpetuate in isolation." So here's some solidarity, for whatever it's worth. Perpetually reminding us that we are not alone and we are not the problem.

[doglady]

Thanks Saint Black Sheep.
It really does help to know we are not alone.

It's amazing what our maladapted brains tell us, isn't it? Because I didn't think at all that you'd made the post all about yourself. I simply felt the solidarity (as you so accurately describe it) across cyberspace.

I feel for you with your family situation too. I really resonate with your comment about the need to leave triggering situations that turn us into the worst version of ourselves. It's such a dilemma isn't it - that can think we should/need to be in the environment ie. around PD aging parents, but it's often also the worst environment for us to be in.

All I can say is we need to give ourselves some grace and do something enjoyable every day, to try and fill our cup a bit and take our minds off this stuff.

[doglady]

I found out from one of my siblings that my mother has contacted an elder care advice line and spoken to them about possible elder abuse.

This now all adds up - as I'd been wondering what on earth was going on during a previous visit where one of the nurses kept sticking her head through the door and asking my mother if she was ok?

It was quite bizarre because my mother kept making these poor scared old lady faces at the nurse, as if she was trying to send the nurse some kind of secret message.

I believe this has all come about because during the previous visit I had challenged my mother on some of her notions about going home and I had told her calmly but emphatically that it is not safe for her to do so.

Because my mother was unhappy that I would not bend to her will - and I also stayed calm, which she hates with a passion - she has now apparently decided to punish me by insinuating that I am abusing her.

I have therefore decided that I probably cannot visit any more - unless it is in the company of a witness - as I am not willing to be accused of elder abuse. 

She has also decided to leave the facility and has arranged for an OT assessment to take place at their home so that she can find out what assistance she can have. She has asked for one of us to transport her to the house for the appointment, stay there during the assessment, and to clean up the house prior. !!!!

Needless to say, I have refused to do any of this.

[walking on broken glass]

Doglady wow. I am so sorry. This is a new level of crazy. What I choose to take away from this, is that your mum made it so much easier for you to disengage. She gave you an out: don't visit, don't engage. The fact that she excpects you to transport her and clean her house after all this is just insanely outrageous. Well done for keeping calm and refusing to do any of this.
Again, I am sorry. The only way to deal is by doing what you are doing now.

[doglady]

You say 'well done for keeping calm' WOBG but my insides have been roiling since finding out about my mother contacting elder care and wanting me to clean her house etc.

So after all that I had a few glasses of vodka (mixed with marmalade!). This is highly unusual for me and I am not much of a drinker. I guess I have really hit a(nother) wall. I felt I needed to dull the anger.

Anyway, my brother had forwarded a 'Christmas preferences' email from the aged care facility to all us siblings, regarding lunch preferences on the day. In my slightly inebriated state I replied all with the following message: 'perhaps it's best if I don't say what my Christmas wish is.' The only answer I got was from him: 'correct.' Everyone else was silent, of course. I know my brother well enough to know that his response has a double meaning and also has some plausible deniability about it, if I were to ask him. But I also know what they really all think. I also needed to quickly check that I hadn't also replied to the aged care facility!!! Although I'm actually past caring about that too, I think. I guess in their eyes though it would cement my status as the vile abusing daughter of the sweet old lady. Ugh.

Anyway, new lessons are learned every day. No more vodka and marmalade for me.

[walking on broken glass]

I have never had of that combination! It sounds lethal 😂
In all seriousness, I think that it's normal to want to let out some of the frustration in conversation, even if the recipients are not really a sympathetic crowd. It doesn't matter what they think of you. What matters is for you to keep your sanity. You can always withdraw and let them deal with everything.