Is this FOG?

[walking on broken glass]

Update: I ended up calling back my aunt. She said she just wanted to see how I was doing. She asked me about 5 times if I was ok and then said emphatically 'if anything at all is wrong you know you can talk to us'. The irony! I wanted to say, well, what is wrong is the family so no thank you. She also asked whether I am going to visit, I said no such plans in the near future. She sighed and said 'ok, as long as you are ok, that's what matters'. She asked what I will do when my contract ends, I said I don't know. I will look for another job. The only productive thing that came out of the conversation was that I asked about my mum's tests and she said that the doctor said that she does not have cancer in her lungs, and what appeared in the scan was probably scarring from a cold or similar. She has an appointment next week to discuss it but the doctor said not to worry. So, at least I don't have any immediate worries about my mum's health.

My aunt didn't pick up the phone when I called and took a while to call me back, so of course I spent all this time stressing and worrying, and sweating through my clothes. I hate this feeling of helplessness. I have a lingering headache which I hope will be alleviated by some exercise.

On another topic, I was sorting out my finances and logged in the bank accounts I hold in my
country of origin (I made another post about how I want to disentangle myself from family accounts) and discovered something interesting: the system keeps a log of all the times I connected. I put a search for the day my mum claimed I logged in (the day my father died) and there were (of course) no log ins that day. I almost want to send this to her with a 'in your face' comment but of course I won't because I know no amount of proof or evidence will change this. She will just deny it, lie and adjust the story to fit the new narrative.

[TimetoHeal]

Interesting that your aunt said, "you can talk to US".  Do you think that shows solidarity with her and your mother and sister? 

I am sorry you are so stressed.

Yeah, you could probably give your mother all the hard evidence in the world, but if it doesn't fit her narrative, it won't mean a hill of beans. 

[walking on broken glass]

Yeah, I was wondering about there use of the plural there too. I think it's definitely a sign that she thinks of 'us all' as a big happy family, where we take care of each other. I could have pointed out that the 'us' is exactly the problem, but what's the point? How different it would be if she had told me she was sorry for how I have been treated and that I could stay with her if I wanted to visit. No such luck. I think the longer I go without contacting them, the more it will sink in.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you managed to get confirmation from your aunt that there is no immediate health crisis. I know that horrible feeling of stress and worry when you have worked up the courage to make a call and then can't immediately get it out of the way. It's horrible. Hope the exercise helped with the headache.

[Liketheducks]

I'm so sorry this is heavy stuff right now.

Might seem counter intuitive....but I find it helpful to reverse engineer some of this stuff.   You're doing some pretty radical work for the child of a dysfunctional family.   You're not reacting in the way that you've done in the past; the way you've been programmed to react.   Of course it will be disorienting to your family.   I'd expect the reaction to be one of concern...feigned or otherwise.   

I've also dealt with family members who have a very loose interpretation of facts.   No use pointing it out to them.   

You're really doing great.   Hang in there.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Narckiddo and Like the ducks!
A friend suggested to me, the next time my aunt calls and asks if I am ok, to reply 'no, I am not ok, because my mum has turned against me and you, instead of supporting me, told me it's a misunderstanding I have to fix'. This is something that would never come out of my mouth naturally, but I can see why it can be powerful through its directness. And it does address the elephant in the room. My instinctive reaction is to shut down any conversation because I don't want to rehash the subject, but perhaps a powerful statement with a refusal to engage further is a better idea?

[Liketheducks]

That's a great prompt for an unsent letter.   But in my experience, confronting rarely elicits the response I need to hear from my parents

[walking on broken glass]

That's a great prompt for an unsent letter.   But in my experience, confronting rarely elicits the response I need to hear from my parents

I know what you mean. This is exactly why I avoid confrontation. I have realized that people who don't come from PD families don't understand that and see my reluctance to engage as passivity or inability to defend myself. But we know better than that. I will see how I feel next time I talk to my aunt. Maybe I can ask her why she thinks that I am not ok. But I don't want to get entangled in a conversation that feels like I am running around chasing my tail.