Chronic Broken Promises

Definition:

Chronic Broken Promises - Repeatedly making and then breaking commitments and promises is a common trait among people who suffer from personality disorders.

Description:

People who suffer from personality disorders often make promises or accept commitments and responsibilities which they later do not follow through on.

While this trait might seem manipulative to others, broken promises are often the result of a dysfunctional situational ethic. The promises may be sincere at the time they are made, but during the follow through, strong mood swings or feelings of fear may produce a sense of crisis in the mind of the person who suffers from the personality disorder to the extent that the end justifies the means and the promise made is regarded of lesser importance than the need to soothe their own internal feelings.

Examples of Chronic Broken Promises:

• Cheating - Cheating is sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else.

• Dissociation- Dissociation, or disassociation, is a psychological term used to describe a mental departure from reality.

• Gaslighting - Gaslighting is the practice of systematically convincing an individual that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term "Gaslighting" is taken from the 1944 MGM movie “Gaslight”.

• Hoovers & Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor, taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim, trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship gets "sucked back in" when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.

• Manipulation - Manipulation is the practice of baiting an individual or group of individuals into a certain response or reaction pattern for the purpose of achieving a hidden personal goal.

• Neglect - Neglect is a passive form of abuse in which the physical or emotional needs of an individual who is incapable of providing for themselves are disregarded or ignored by the person responsible for them.

• Pathological Lying - Pathological lying is persistent deception to serve one's own interests with little or no regard to the needs and concerns of others. A pathological liar is a person who habitually lies to serve their own needs.

• Sabotage - Sabotage is the impulsive disruption of a calm or harmonious status quo in a relationship or domestic situation, occasionally perpetrated by those with Personality Disorders, in order to serve a personal interest, to provoke a conflict or to draw attention to themselves.

• Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia is the use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.

• Selective Competence - Selective Competence is the practice of demonstrating different levels of intelligence, resourcefulness, strength or competence depending on the situation or environment.

What it feels like:

Chronic lying often produces an attitude of skepticism in a non-personality disordered person (Non-PD). However, over time the non-personality-disordered individual may begin to engage in a form of enabling and contribute to the patterns of deception and denial. This may be to avoid conflict and keep the peace. It may just seem easier not to confront the contradictions and play along. This can develop into a system of learned helplessness in which the Non-PD convinces themselves that they are powerless to do anything about the situation, even if that is not the case.

The loss of self esteem experienced over the long term can have a significant effect on the Non-PD who may try to compensate by engaging in dysfunctional behaviors of their own. This is sometimes known as "getting fleas".

Coping with Chronic Broken Promises:

If you are living with a chronic promise-breaker it is a good idea to separate some responsibilities from them, so you can take care of your own needs, without relying on them.

This may mean establishing your own source of income, bank account, health providers, social networks, transportation & entertainment separately from those of the other person. Then your own well being and happiness are not tied to the performance of the other person, but to your own behavior. If they take care of you, great. If they don't, then everything is still OK.

This type of detachment will sometimes be met by resistance from the person with the personality disorder. They may attempt to use Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) to try to reattach the interdependencies in the relationship. It is important to remember that taking care of yourself or detaching from a loved one is not the same thing as removing love for them. Rather, it is often the kindest thing you can do for them, much like taking a hazardous object away from a baby.

What NOT to Do:

• Don't place dependency for your needs to be met on a person who suffers from a personality disorder.
• Don't forget during the bad days that they have a good side and vice-versa. Try to remember that they have a good side and a bad side all the time, although you may only see one side at a time.
• Don't react emotionally when a person with a personality disorder breaks their promises. Think of it as an inevitable consequence of the disorder, which will come and go at random, like a rain shower or a storm.
• Don't entrust important bank accounts, loans, drugs, responsibilities etc to a person who suffers from a personality disorder. You have to decide to be the responsible one since you don't have the mental illness.
• Don't give in to pressure to give up your boundaries. Boundaries are about protecting yourself and you can't have a healthy relationship without them.

What TO Do:

• Put the really important stuff in safe places.
• Establish your own needs yourself. This may involve major life changes.
• Allow the person with the personality disorder to make contributions if you are comfortable with that and they want to do it, but don't become dependent on them.
• Get support. Build a supportive social network of reliable friends and family members where available.
• Work on boundaries which will protect you, your loved ones and your property so that the things which are vulnerable are off-limits to those who don't have the ability to control their own behavior.

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