False Accusations - False accusations, distortion campaigns & smear campaigns are patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticisms which occur when a personality disordered individual tries to feel better about themselves by putting down someone else - usually a family member, spouse, partner, friend or colleague.
Baiting and Picking Fights - Baiting and Picking Fights is the practice of generating a provocative action or statement for the purpose of obtaining an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another person.
Projection - Projection is the act of attributing one's own feelings or traits onto another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.
Proxy Recruitment - Proxy Recruitment is a way of controlling or abusing another person by manipulating other people into unwittingly backing you up, speaking for you or "doing your dirty work" for you.
Examples of False Accusations:
A man accuses his wife of trying to poison him when he gets sick.
A woman accuses her husband of having an affair and tells this to a marriage therapist.
A mother falsely tells friends and neighbors that her daughter has an eating disorder.
A teenager who files a false police report about one of his parents committing child abuse.
It can be a frightening, humiliating and annoying experience when you discover that you are a victim of false accusations. When dealing with personality disordered individuals, the nature of the accusations may seem clever and manipulative or may seem illogical or absurd. However the reaction is usually is the same: there is an overwhelming urge to clear your name and set the record straight.
What NOT To Do:
Non's can sometimes be stunned to discover that the personality disordered individual in their lives completely believes a false reality that they have invented. It is common for Non's to spend a great deal of effort fruitlessly trying to reason, cajole or argue with a personality disordered individual into "snapping out of it", "waking up and smelling the coffee" or "facing the facts". It can be hard for Non's to accept that for a person who is dissociating, the denials they are expressing are the facts - at least at that time - for them.
Under such circumstances, standard communication or negotiation techniques are ineffective - since they are built on the premise that both parties can agree on what the facts are, have the ability to to reason and can work towards a common interest or compromise.
Arguing or trying to reason with a person who is dissociating will typically result in a frustrating Circular Conversation.
What TO Do:
Accept that each person's reality is their own property and everyone has the right to believe what they want to believe, think what they want to think and experience their own world without intimidation, control or persecution. That applies to the personality-disordered individual in your life and it also applies to you. That will mean you may have to "agree to disagree" on important facts, history or conclusions.
Remind yourself that one person's opinion of you does not define you. You are you. Seek out the counsel of wise, caring and supportive people who you can trust to help you rebuild your self-esteem. Visit our Working On Ourselves Page for some ideas.
If someone says something which you believe isn't true, it is appropriate to declare "I don't see it that way". Once!
If you, or any children in your care, are being exposed to abuse of any kind, take appropriate action to protect yourself and your children.
After that it is appropriate to walk away from any further discussion and go about living your life in an emotionally and physically safe, healthy, and productive way.
For More Information & Support...
If you suspect you may have a family member or loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to cope.
On Tuesday November 1, 2011, the Out of the FOG Website and Support Forum celebrates 4 years of providing information and support for those with a family member or loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder. Our site receives over 2 million hits per year and our support forum has received more than 68,000 posts from 2700 members. Thanks to all who support OOTF with your participation, time and gifts and help to make this unique community possible.
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