Perfectionism

Perfectionism - Perfectionism is the practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic, unsustainable or unattainable standard of organization, order or accomplishment in one particular area of living, while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization, order or accomplishment in others.

We often call someone a perfectionist as a compliment in reference to their diligence and pursuit of excellence in a particular endeavor. There is, however, a destructive, dysfunctional type of perfectionism which exists and ultimately hurts the perfectionist and those closest to them.

Examples of Dysfunctional Perfectionism:

• A woman rejects the possibility of friendship with a person in whom she detects a minor character flaw.
• A man decides to sell his house and move because he discovers it needs a basic repair.
• A woman is unwilling to compromise with a family member over a minor detail of a planned social event to the extent that she becomes hostile and combative.
• A customer repeatedly returns identical items to a store for an exchange claiming a flaw that nobody else can detect.
• A man cannot or will not go to sleep unless objects in the house are arranged in a particular way.
• A woman discards her entire wardrobe after detecting a garment in her closet on which she detects an unpleasant aroma or blemish.
• For over a year, a man suddenly claims an allergy or refuses to eat or be in a room with certain foods which he used to enjoy, after which he goes back to eating them again.
• A mother repeatedly takes her child to the doctor with exaggerated claims of illness or symptoms. (Also see Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome)

What It Feels Like:

Living with a perfectionist can be frightening and frustrating experience because vast quantities of valuable resources such as time, money, social goodwill and friendships seem to be squandered on seemingly meaningless or trivial details. It can be frustrating when no amount of discussion, logical argument or reasoning seems to get through to the perfectionist.

Perfectionism is a manifestation of a common personality disorder trait known as Dissociation - where feelings create facts. Logical arguments often do not convince a person who dissociates because logical arguments do not change the way they feel and the way they feel is accepted as the way things really are.

Perfectionism is also sometimes a manifestation of Projection - where the confusing feelings and chaos which exist in the mind of a person who suffers from a personality disorder that they are unable to control are projected out into the tangible world around them where they can feel they have some sense of control.

Coping with Perfectionism

It's important to understand that many cases of dysfunctional perfectionism are a manifestation of a personality disorder and therefore it is typically not possible to talk someone out of perfectionism just as it is not possible to talk someone out of having a mental illness.

What NOT To Do:

• Don't try to use logic or reason to talk someone who suffers from a personality disorder out of their perfectionism. This is a recipe for a circular conversation.
• Don't share a joint checking account or other valuable resource with someone who has a habit of spending large sums of money in vain attempts to make themselves feel better.
• Don't thought police a person who has a personality disorder just because you don't agree with their conclusions. It's OK to validate their feelings while at the same time disagreeing with their facts or conclusions.
• Don't assume personal responsibility for fixing a perfectionist. You will frustrate yourself and the person you are trying to help.
• Don't give in to pressure to conform to a standard that is dangerous, unrealistic or unattainable. State your decisions one time, calmly and firmly and maintain your boundaries.
• Don't apologize for being yourself
• Don't isolate yourself or succumb to the pressure to become isolated.
• Don't allow a perfectionist to hurt or abuse children. Seek legal or professional help if necessary.

What TO Do:

• Maintain a healthy lifestyle for yourself and your children.
• Maintain your outside interests and recreation.
• Spend some time every day away from the attentions and the observations of a perfectionist.
• Be yourself regardless of how much approval or disapproval you get from a personality disordered individual.
• Get support form others who understand personality disorders and understand what you are going through.
• Seek professional help for advice on confronting a perfectionist.

For More Information & Support...

If you suspect you may have a family member or loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to cope.

• Support Forum - Read real stories. Ask questions.
• Top 100 Traits of people with Personality Disorders.
• Toolbox - Ideas for coping and common mistakes.
• Personality Disorder Glossary - Learn the lingo.
• Links to Personality Disorder-related sites.
• Books about personality disorders.

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