Chosen Relationships

Are you in a relationship with someone whom you suspect may have a personality disorder?

If the answer is "yes" then you are a "Chosen" and you've come to the right place!

Chosen Relationships is the term that we use to describe those of us who are in a marriage, partnership or romantic relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder. We call these relationships "chosen" relationships because they are relationships which we choose (or at one time chose) to participate in and to distinguish them from family realtionships which are known as "unchosen relationships".

Chosen relationships with an individual who suffers from a personality disorder presents its own unique challenges and issues. There are no two pople who are identical - therefore there are no two relationships that are identical. However, there are some common problems and situations that most "Chosens" find themselves dealing with.

Staying Committed to someone who suffers from a personality disorder.

Separating or Divorcing someone who suffers froma personality disorder

More than any other section here, "Chosen Relationships" is a potpourri. We have people in friendships, dating situations, and marriages. Many people are committed, some aren't sure, and others are on the brink of separation.

We are all here to support each other and we try to refrain from telling people to "RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!" We understand the hurt and we understand that everyone needs to choose their own path.

It's a delicate balance, as most of us are so used to being patient and trying to change something about ourselves to try to bring about the change we want to see in others. Part of getting through these situations is discovering that our situation is not as unusual as we may think it is, discovering that others have faced similar struggles and recognizing our own anger and our need to Work on Ourselves rather than just trying to change our partners.

The Chosen Relationship

To be in an unchosen relationship can be a frightening and frustrating experience.

We are the husbands who drive home from work afraid of what awaits us when we get home.

We are the wives who dare not make any friends without asking first for approval from our partner.

We are the boyfriends who have been cheated on and told it was our fault.

We are the girlfriends who are frightened of our partners but are afraid to leave because we fear what will happen to us after we do.

We are the fathers whose children are verbally harrassed by our wives.

We are the mothers whose husbands are addicted.

We are the healers, the fixers, the debt payers, the rebuilders, those who hope against hope. We are the loyal, long suffering silent ones who try to hold things together while our partner behaves destructively.

We are lonely from inside a relationship.

We have put off taking care of ourselves because of the overwhelming "needs" or demands of our partners. We live in a FOG - full of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

People on the outside of our relationships often have no idea what we live with. Some of us are constantly torn between trying to protect and heal ourselves, and trying to take care of a demanding partner. Others have decided that they no longer want a relationship but don't know how to protect themselves on the way out. So many of us have been subjected to years of emotional, verbal, physical and sometimes sexual abuse. Sometimes, the worst scars cannot be seen.

The Wall of Silence

It's very common for those of us who find ourselves in Chosen relationships to construct an invisible wall of silence. It's a wall that tries to hide from the outside world the embarrassing truths about what is going on in our lives behind closed doors.

Our society does not encourage us to be forthcoming about the situations we may find ourselves in. To be a social success we sometimes think that we need to be successful in the world of personal relationships.

We somethimes fear that any sign of failure in our marriage or partnership could be interpreted as a sign of weakness.

Some of us fear to leave our abusive partners because of what others - friends, family, neighbors, churchgoers, might think.

Some of us are afraid to speak out about what is wrong because we don't believe our partner will really change and instead we think we will just make matters worse.

And we hide it behind a wall of silence.

A New Vocabulary

In this section, you may hear terms like:

Enabling - The tendency of Non's to attempt to placate someone by sacrificing their own or other family members needs in a misguided attempt to keep the peace.

Engulfment - Imagining or believing that one exists only within the context of a relationship, often resulting in unhealthy and overwhelming dependency on the Non.

Fleas - When a Non begins exhibiting or emulating some of the disordered behavior of a loved one or family member with a personality disorder this is sometimes referred to as "getting fleas".

Gaslighting – based on the movie “Gaslight”. Refers to the practice of brainwashing or convincing a healthy individual that they are insane or that their memories, convictions and understanding of reality are mistaken or false. 

Hoovering - A metaphor from a vacuum cleaner to describe how a Non, trying to leave or limit contact in an abusive relationship gets sucked back in when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.

Kansas - A metaphor for the reality of a Non, taken from the movie "The Wizard of Oz" to describe the Non's desire to return to the real world when facing the strange world of a BP's perspective - i.e. "we're not in Kansas any more".

Non - That's us! A Non is a person who cares about or is in a relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder.

Splitting or Painting Black/White – The phenomenon where our partner regards or treats people - including us - as "all bad" or "all good". It's common to flip, without warning, from one side to the other in the eyes of our partners.

You'll find these definitions - and a host of other new words and concepts in our Glossary.

Support for Chosens

Everyone who comes to Out of the FOG is at a different stage in their relationship and their personal journey. Here, we try to respect those differences and exercise patience and tolerance. Sometimes we learn the most about ourselves by reaching out to others in similar situations.

There is a section of our Support Forum dedicated to supporting people who find themselves in Chosen Relationships - relationships with spouses, partners and significant others who suffer from personality disorders.

Click here for more recommended Links for those in Chosen Relationships or browse our Books for Chosens