Out of the FOG - Staying Committed

Staying Committed to a Partner who has a Personality Disorder

There are some people who believe that it is impossible, improbable, inadvisable, even inexcusable to remain in a committed relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder.

There are people who will tell you to "Run for the hills!"

And yet millions choose to stay committed every day...

At Out of the FOG, it is not our intent to dictate, preach or legislate how a person should make the relationship choices in their own life. Many of us have had important decisions made for us for years by people in our lives. The last thing many of us feel we need is more well-intentioned, yet misinformed, relationship advice.

Rather, it is the intent of this site to offer resources, support and encouragement to all who are affected by being in a relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder - in whatever form of relationship that might take.

We want you to discover the power you have to control yourself - even from within a committed relationship.

We want you to be set free from the FOG - the Fear, Obligation and Guilt of feeling responsible for the actions, words, or poor choices of a relationship partner.

From a Committed Member...

Here are few thoughts, about being committed in a relationship with someone suffering from a personality disorder from one of our own:

"IMO, Staying Committed is more about being committed to people first, then to the relationship.

First, I feel that we need to be committed to ourselves, not in a selfish way, but in a healthy way being the person we are supposed to be. It may involve some type of counseling, to figure out how we got to where we are, and where we want to go. Eating right and exercise, taking time to be alone and with family and friends, along with taking time for your own spirituality (whatever you are comfortable with).

Secondly, taking care of any children. Don't believe that children are not affected, make them a priority. They need a strong and healthy parent, and they need to feel safe and loved. They need to grow in an environment free from abuse.

Third, is being committed to our significant other (SO) and that is somewhat conditional. Our SO needs to see their own 50% of relationship and be willing to work on their own issues. We can be there to support them and cheer them on but we must let them do the work.

Finally is working on the relationship together with our SO, which is a long and rough road in itself and, in my opinion, can not be accomplished without having everything else in place.

-Mark

My Stuff and Your Stuff

One of the things that can be a great exercise is to try to look at your life objectively - and ask yourself - what is my stuff and what is your stuff?

Think about all the good things in your life for a while - forget about anyone else for a minute. How much of it is really yours to control? How much of it depends on you to maintain, build and develop? What will happen if you neglect it?

Think about the things you are most proud of. What would have happened if you were not there?

Think about your body, your work, your talents, your dreams. What are they worth?

That's your stuff.

Now think about the things that matter the most to that other person in your life. Think about all the good things in their life for a while - forget about yourself for a minute. How much of it is really theirs to control? How much of it depends on them to maintain, build and develop? What will happen if they neglect it?

Think about the things that they are most proud of. What would have happened if they were not there?

Think about their body, their work, their talents, their dreams. What are they worth?

That's their stuff.

Codependency

In her classic book Codependent No More, Melody Beattie asks: "Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else's, you may be codependent..."

Codependency is the tendency for the victim in an abusive relationship to form a second "enabling" half of a dysfunctional partnership. Unhappy with the status quo, yet fearful of the consequences of trying to detach or put a stop to the abuse, the victim can become just as dysfunctional as the perpetrator and end up "enabling" or perpetuating the abusive cycle.

Cleaning up behind someone, hiding their actions from public, absorbing the consequences of their bad choices, paying their debts, excusing their behavior are all manifestations of enabling. Enabling makes it easier for an abuser to go on abusing - at great cost to the direct victim and to the innocent bystanders like children, other family members, friends, acquaintances and ultimately to the abuser themselves - who is kept on life support in the dysfunctional system just enough to have no real incentive to change it.

Why should I go to see a Therapist? There's nothing wrong with me.

One of the great fallacies of our modern culture is that if you go to see a therapist it means there is something wrong with you, you are a weak person, you should be ashamed.

The reality is that many people who really do have a mental illness refuse to see a therapist too - for the same reason.

There is a stigma attached to mental illness in our society that really does us a disservice.

When someone breaks their leg, we don't ridicule them for going to see a doctor, getting a cast and taking a pain killer. . Why do we ridicule people when they get help for hurt on the inside? It's irrational. It's prejudicial. Who is the crazy person - the person who need s help and gets it or the person who needs help and doesn't?

One of the most brilliant minds that ever existed, Albert Einstein, once said: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." He was right..

Boundaries

Definition: Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissable ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits.

Description: What Are Boundaries?

You'll see the word "boundaries" quite frequently here at Out of the FOG. Sometimes they'll be described in terms of "your stuff<---//--->my stuff." But what does that mean? It means the ability to recognize what is our responsibility (and what is truly within our power to control) and what isn't. Boundaries are an essential ingredient to creating a healthy self . They define the relationship between you and everyone else around you.

Healthy boundaries help us to create our own destiny. They ensure that we are taking responsibility for our own lives; that we knowingly accept the consequences and/or reap the benefits of our choices. And, just as importantly, they ensure that we let others do the same for themselves.

A key to boundaries is knowing your inner self: your beliefs, desires, needs, and intuitions. When you know your inner self, it will become nearly impossible for someone else to manipulate you. None of us who were controlled by someone with a personality disorder had healthy boundaries in place.

An Unchosen Perspective on Boundaries

It can be difficult to maintain or define boundaries when you are involved in a familial or otherwise unchosen relationship. Often, we are taught as children, not to make waves or to “just get along;” that is, to not assert or define our own boundaries. As children we want to please our disordered parent and get along with a disordered sibling or relative; however, a personality disordered individual lacks appropriate personal boundaries of their own. This can result in inappropriate affectionate gestures and lack of personal privacy for the child.

When our own personal boundaries are routinely broken, the message we learn is that our own needs and feelings don’t count - we are required to accept how others treat us without question. As we grow into adults, these lessons can become our way of life. We often feel taken advantage of, used or that our desires are unimportant. We become frustrated and angry that our boundaries are violated yet we are unable to express what, exactly, our boundaries are. Constant yielding to a parent, sibling or relative becomes second nature. We lose our own sense of self and often find ourselves in unhappy relationships, jobs and life situations. The early lessons, that our feelings, views and opinions don’t count continue to dominate our lives, sometimes subconsciously.

This can result in poor life choices, from entering into careers or occupations that are a poor fit for us, to marrying the person we “should” rather than the person we love. The yielding to others we were taught as children can spill over into every relationship we have as adults. The consequences can be disastrous and painful. It sometimes feels as if we are living someone else’s life.

But it doesn’t have to be this way! Learning to enforce boundaries takes practice and patience-yet-it can be done, and lead us to a healthier, happier life.

A Chosen Perspective On Boundaries

One of our members, Tammy, offers this insight from her committed relationship with a person who suffers from BPD...

"The Dysfunctional Dance"

One rather consistent phenomenon in a borderline/non relationship is that neither partner clearly defines their personal boundaries. Untreated borderlines tend to run over their partner's fences like a tank. They project their feelings onto us and blame us when things go wrong. Non BP's tend to give into the demands and needs of their borderline. We become enmeshed in their mental and emotional world: their beliefs, thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, and expectations. Given enough time, without a clear sense of who we are, we lose sight of which experiences belong to us and which ones are projected onto us by our borderlines.

With weak boundaries, we become sponges who allow our BP's to step inside our inner self, use up our energy, and define our world for us. We permit them to tell us what to do, when to do it, and who to do it with. With each passing day, our self esteem deteriorates, and our ability to defend ourselves decreases.

Non's tend to be compassionate, giving, and sometimes needy people. At some point in the relationship we might have recognized that our BP's were in pain and out of control. We were moved to give more of ourselves than was healthy. Or, we may have stepped in to take responsibility for their life. (Sometimes it's easier to deal with someone else's issues than it is to address our own.) We either didn't know how (or were afraid) to set limits, or didn't know what our limits were. So the dysfunctional dance began.

If we accept responsibility for our borderline and handle their duties and responsibilities, we are essentially handling "their stuff" rather than our own. Permitting someone else to make decisions for us suggests that we are letting them define our life for us. If there isn't a clear boundary line between your stuff<----//---->my stuff, defenses (such as withdrawal, sidetracking, blame, rationalization, and black-white thinking) become handy ways for both parties to avoid self-awareness and growth.

Healthy Boundaries

According to the book Boundaries and Relationships by Charles Whitfield, M.D., healthy boundaries are NOT:

Set for us by others
Hurtful or harmful
Controlling or manipulative
Invasive or dominating
Rigid and immovable

Healthy boundaries ARE:

present
appropriate
clear
firm
protective
flexible
receptive.
determined by US

How to Develop Boundaries

An important first step in developing healthy boundaries is to get acquainted with, and take ownership, of your true self. This is essential before healthy boundaries can be set and maintained. As adults, we are responsible for the decisions we make in life. We have freedom to respond, to make choices, and to limit the way others' behavior affects us. As a "free agent", we can take responsibility for our freedom by setting boundaries, or borders, between ourselves and those around us. Some people refuse to set boundaries because they see them as selfish. Others actually use them to be selfish. Both are wrong. Boundaries are about self-control.

According to the authors, John Townsend and Henry Cloud, there are ten laws of boundaries:

The Law Of Sowing and Reaping - Actions have consequences. If someone in your life is sowing anger, selfishness, and abuse at you, are you setting boundaries against it? Or are they getting away with not reaping (or paying the consequences for) what he/she sowed?
The Law of Responsibility - We are responsible TO each other, not FOR each other. This law means that each person refuses to rescue or enable another's immature behavior.
The Law of Power - We have power over some things, we don't have power over others (including changing people). It is human nature to try to change and fix others so that we can be more comfortable. We can't change or fix anyone - but we do have the power to change our own life.
The Law of Respect - If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs. If someone in your life is a rager, you should not dictate to him/her all the reasons that they can't be angry. A person should have the freedom to to protest the things they don't like. But at the same time, we can honor our own boundary by telling them, "Your raging at me is not acceptable to me. If you continue to rage, I will have to remove myself from you."
The Law of Motivation - We must be free to say "no" before we can wholeheartedly say "yes". One can not actually love another if he feels he doesn't have a choice not to. Pay attention to your motives.
The Law of Evaluation - We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others. Do our boundaries cause pain that leads to injury? Or do they cause pain that leads to growth?
The Law of Proactivity - We take action to solve problems based on our values, wants, and needs. Proactive people keep their freedom and they disagree and confront issues but are able to do so without getting caught up in an emotional storm. This law has to do with taking action based on deliberate, thought-out values versus emotional reactions.
The Law of Envy - We will never get what we want if we focus our boundaries onto what others have. Envy is miserable because we're dissatisfied with our state yet powerless to change it. The envious person doesn't set limits because he is not looking at himself long enough to figure out what choices he has.
The Law of Activity - We need to take the initiative to solve our problems rather than being passive. In a dysfunctional relationship, sometimes one person is active and the other is passive. When this occurs, the active person will dominate the passive one. The passive person may be too intimidated by the active one to say no. This law has to do with taking initiative rather than being passive and waiting for someone else to make the first move.
The Law of Exposure - We need to communicate our boundaries. A boundary that is not communicated is a boundary that is not working. We need to make clear what we do or do not want, and what we will or will not tolerate. We need to also make clear that every boundary violation has a consequence. A boundary without a consequence is nagging.

Putting It All Together

Untreated individuals with personality disorders are dependent on the compliance of others. They resist boundaries in an effort to control, manipulate, and dominate. Non's sometimes use boundaries in an effort to control, manipulate, and dominate too. For example, we might be tempted to tell someone "You can NOT rage at me", or "You can NOT say cruel things to me." These aren't examples of boundaries, these are examples of a Non's effort to control someone else's behavior. A healthy boundary is, "When you rage at me, I feel threatened. I am going to leave (the room, the house, etc) until such time we can communicate calmly." The other person is free to rage to his/her heart's content, but you don't have to sit there and absorb all their anger and rage. If you are saying to yourself, "Why should I have to leave the room? They should have to stop raging!", you are looking at boundaries backwards. You are taking the same approach as one would take who says, "Oh no, my house is on fire and is engulfed in flames. I'm standing at the front door but I'm not going to leave the house because my new sprinkling system will turn on an put out the flames." Are you waiting for someone or something else to make a move so you don't have to? Are you willing to take a chance of getting burned? Don't do it.

Boundaries are all around us. We come across them every day. Cars have theft-deterrent devices to prevent someone from stealing your car. Homes have deadbolts or locks to prevent someone else from invading your home and removing your posessions. Your office desk has a lock to prevent theft. Your locker at the club has a lock to keep your valuables safe. If your personal property is protected against theft, but you find yourself feeling like your emotional well-being is being stolen from you, then it's time to take steps to learn how to set boundaries so that your emotional well-being can be kept under lock and key.

Think about it. We go to a lot of effort and spend a lot of money to protect our material possessions - yet we often do little to protect ourselves. Aren't you worth more than all of your possessions?

The 51% Rule - The 51% Rule says that we need to consider our own needs just a little more that those of others in order to be able to help them effectively.