Out of the FOG - Staying Committed

Staying Committed to a Partner who has a Personality Disorder

Introduction
Thoughts From a Committed Member
The Non-PD Recycle Bin
The Non-PD Toolbox

Introduction

There are some people who believe that it is impossible, improbable, inadvisable, even inexcusable to remain in a committed relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder.

There are people who will tell you to "Run for the hills!"

And yet millions choose to stay committed every day...

At Out of the FOG, it is not our intent to dictate, preach or legislate how a person should make the relationship choices in their own life. Many of us have had important decisions made for us for years by people in our lives. The last thing many of us feel we need is more well-intentioned, yet misinformed, relationship advice.

Rather, it is the intent of this site to offer resources, support and encouragement to all who are affected by being in a relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder - in whatever form of relationship that might take.

We want you to discover the power you have to control yourself - even from within a committed relationship.

We want you to be set free from the FOG - the Fear, Obligation and Guilt of feeling responsible for the actions, words, or poor choices of a relationship partner.

Thoughts From a Committed Member...

Here are few thoughts, about being committed in a relationship with someone suffering from a personality disorder from one of our own:

"IMO, Staying Committed is more about being committed to people first, then to the relationship.

First, I feel that we need to be committed to ourselves, not in a selfish way, but in a healthy way being the person we are supposed to be. It may involve some type of counseling, to figure out how we got to where we are, and where we want to go. Eating right and exercise, taking time to be alone and with family and friends, along with taking time for your own spirituality (whatever you are comfortable with).

Secondly, taking care of any children. Don't believe that children are not affected, make them a priority. They need a strong and healthy parent, and they need to feel safe and loved. They need to grow in an environment free from abuse.

Third, is being committed to our significant other (SO) and that is somewhat conditional. Our SO needs to see their own 50% of relationship and be willing to work on their own issues. We can be there to support them and cheer them on but we must let them do the work.

Finally is working on the relationship together with our SO, which is a long and rough road in itself and, in my opinion, can not be accomplished without having everything else in place.

-Mark

The Non-PD "Recycle Bin"

Definition:

The Non-PD "Recycle Bin" - The Non-PD "Recycle Bin" is a collection of some of the most common reactions and responses to personality disordered behaviors that many of us have instinctively tried, sometimes over and over, but that have not been effective in most cases in helping improve our quality of life or the quality of life of those who have the personality disorder.

Description:

Click on the links for more information on each topic:

Abuse Amnesia - Abuse Amnesia is a form of denial in which a victim habitually "forgives and forgets" episodes of abuse when it would be more appropriate - and ultimately better for both parties - to hold them accountable for their own actions.

Amateur Diagnosis - An Amateur Diagnosis is when a non-qualified individual confronts someone whom they suspect suffers from a personality-disorder and shares this belief with them, usually in the hope that this revelation will help to improve the relationship or the situation.

Avoidance - Avoidance is the practice of withdrawing from relationships with other people as a defensive measure to reduce the risk of rejection, accountability, criticism or exposure.

Circular Conversations - Circular Conversations are arguments which go on almost endlessly, repeating the same patterns with no real resolution.

Codependency - A Codependency is a relationship in which an otherwise mentally-healthy person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected by an addiction or mental illness.

"Control-Me" Syndrome - "Control-Me" Syndrome describes a tendency that some abuse victims and some people who suffer from personality disorders have to nurture relationships with people who have a controlling narcissistic, antisocial or "acting-out" nature.

Denial (Non-PD) -Denial is believing or imagining that some factual reality, circumstance, feeling or memory does not exist or did not happen. Non-PD Denial is cycles of particular types of denial that people who live with or are close to personality disordered people are prone to.

Enabling - Enabling is a pattern of behavior often adopted by abuse victims which seeks to avoid confrontation and conflict by absorbing the abuse without challenging it or setting boundaries. The perpetrator of the abuse is thus "enabled" to continue their pattern of behavior.

Fix-It Syndrome - Fix-It Syndrome is when a non-personality-disordered individual frequently puts themselves in the position of a caretaker who is responsible for compensating for their personality-disordered loved-one's behaviors, cleaning up any messes created by their actions and fixing any problems arising from their mental health issues.

Fleas - When a non-personality-disordered individual (Non-PD) begins imitating or emulating some of the disordered behavior of a loved one or family member with a personality disorder this is sometimes referred to as "getting fleas".

Intermittent Reinforcement - Intermittent Reinforcement is when rules, rewards or personal boundaries are handed out or enforced inconsistently and occasionally. This usually encourages another person to keep pushing until they get what they want from you without changing their own behavior.

Imposed Isolation - Isolation from friends, family, peers and supportive communities is common among victims of abuse. Isolation is sometimes caused by a person who has a personality disorder who does not want someone close to them having close relationships with others. Isolation can also be self-imposed by abuse victims, who out of a sense of shame, fear, or guilt fear the consequences of what might happen if outsiders learn too much.

Lack of Boundaries - Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissable ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits.

Learned Helplessness- Learned helplessness is when a person begins to believe they have no control over a situation, even when they actually do have the power to change their circumstances, leading them into an unneccessary state of depression, where initiative, action or investment is deemed futile.

Obedience - In 1961 and 1962, Yale University psychologist Stanley Milgram performed a famous series of experiments which demonstrated that about 2 out of 3 people will perform a cruel action towards another person if instructed to do so by someone whom they regard as an authority figure. This demonstrated that most people are prone to doing something they do not want to do, even something they would normally regard as "wrong", just because they are told to do it by an assertive or authoritative person.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior - Passive Aggressive behavior is the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive, passive way (such as through procrastination and stubbornness).

Riding The Emotional Elevator - The Emotional Elevator is a way of describing how people who suffer from personality disorders and those closest to them sometimes take a fast track down to different levels of emotional maturity.

Rescuer Syndrome -Rescuer Syndrome is when a non-personality-disordered individual mistakenly assumes that their own skills and qualities are adequate to cure or compensate for their personality-disordered loved-one's mental health issues, often disregarding medical or professional best-practice and attempts to cure the personality disorder through their own personal effort.

Stinkin' Thinkin' - The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking - Stinkin' Thinkin', also known as 'Stinking Thinking or Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking' - is a popular list of common negative thought patterns from The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, M.D.

Stockholm Syndrome - Stockholm Syndrome is when a hostage, kidnap victim or abuse victim develops a sense of loyalty or co-operation towards their captor or abuser, disregarding the abuse or the danger and protecting or sustaining the perpetrator.

Thought Policing - Thought Policing is any process of trying to question, control, or unduly influence another persons thoughts or feelings.

The Non-PD "Toolbox"

Definition:

The Non-PD "Toolbox" - The Non-PD "Toolbox" is a collection of ideas and responses to personality disordered behaviors that have worked well in most cases.

Description:

Click on the links for more info on each topic:

Personal Safety - Personal Safety is a list of actions that are designed to keep situations from escalating and to make sure that Physical, Emotional and Verbal abuse is avoided or stopped at the first moment it begins to happen. It contains lists of 1. When to stop the conversation, 2. When to leave the room and 3. When to call the police.

Boundaries - Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissable ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits.

The 51% Rule - The 51% Rule says that we need to consider our own needs just a little more that those of others in order to be able to help them effectively.

No Contact (NC) - Going "No Contact" means cutting off all forms of correspondence, communication and personal contact with a person who suffers from a personality disorder in order to protect yourself from recurring abuse.

Putting Children First - Putting Children First means making decisions based on "what is in the best interests of the children", regardless of the consequences for the parents and any other parties involved.

Situational Ethics - Situational Ethics is a philosophy which promotes the idea that, when dealing with a crisis, the end justifies the means and that a rigid interpretation of the rules, laws and moral codes should be temporarily set aside if a greater good or lesser evil is served by doing so. Understanding situational ethics in the presence of dissociative thought sometimes explains the apparently unethical behavior of people who suffer from personality disorders.

The 3 "C's" Rule - The 3 "C's" rule is a reminder to victim's of abuse that "I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it and I can't Control it.

The 50% Rule - The 50% Rule says that we are responsible for 50% of the things that happen in any relationship we share with a person who suffers from a personality disorder.

My Stuff/Your Stuff - My Stuff/Your Stuff is a thought technique of reminding yourself to separate what is really your responsibility, your concern and under your control and what is a personality-disordered individual's responsibility, concern and under their control.

Everybody Gets to Clean Up Their Own Messes - Everybody Gets to Clean Up Their Own Messes is a principal that encourages us to take responsibility for dealing with our own messes and leave other people to clean up theirs.

Time Out - A Time-Out is a decision to temporarily disengage from an argument, conversation, interpersonal situation or conflict.

Therapy for Non-PD's - Once they have learned to protect themselves and emotionally detach from the personality -disordered individuals in their lives, many Non-Personality Disordered Individuals (Non-PD's) find that they benefit from spending time with a good therapist where they can be encouraged, learn more about themselves and learn ways to work on themselves.

Finding Supportive Friendships - It's important to find supportive people you can talk to on a regular basis who understand personality disorders and the the dynamics of being in a relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder.

Hot Penning - Hot Penning is a technique of journaling where you rapidly write down whatever comes to mind on a topic without taking a break, stopping to think or slowing down to correct spelling & punctuation.

Making Choices - Choices are the opportunities we have to change things for the better - or worse.

Working On Ourselves - Working On Ourselves means taking some of our energy, time and focus off of the personality disordered people in our lives and restoring a more healthy balance where we spend an appropriate amount of time on improving our own situation, regardless of what the person who suffers from the personality disorder does.

Rules Of Relationships - Rules of Relationships are a series of ideas for non-personality-disordered individuals to consider when thinking about getting involved in romantic relationships.