How far would you go to get away?

[marizabet]

So H is on a business trip abroad and he seems to really love the place. Apparently us moving there is an option and he wants to see what I would think of the place first. I think for him, the only drawback is raising a child in a foreign place. But she is still a toddler anyway.

I was telling my friend that part of me thinks that I could be really happy being somewhere where I don't really have to worry about my mom and the ILs at all. They stress me out so much and drain my energy and make me paranoid. She asked if us moving further away helped a little. I guess it did a little bit, but I always get afraid of that line being crossed eventually. Whereas if we were in another country, that's a whole other situation. At the same time, we do like where we live now and have only been here a few months.

If you guys could leave the country to get away from PDs, even if you didn't speak the language and knew no one there, would you? Am I silly to think that they can't ruin our lives from thousands of miles away?

[shutterbug1120]

I don't think any of it is silly.  My fight or flight is almost constantly triggered when around nMIL and FIL - I have thought thousands of times of moving where they couldn't get to us, or visit as frequently, etc.   All I can say is this - do not let someone chase you out of a life you're happy in.   I'm trying to make a stand in my life where it can NOT be controlled by anyone, or negatively influenced by anyone other than DH and my children.   If they're able to control you, they'll be able to do it no matter how far you run.

[movingforward2]

Marizabet,

I can't tell you how many times H and I have considered moving.  Our oldest DD is 10 and is starting middle school next year and got into a really good school.  We also wouldn't make as much money off of our house if we sold it right now.  However, we are seriously considering moving within the next 3-5 years for a fresh start and to be closer to H's dad (not married to his mom).  This would put us 3 hours away from my NMIL and I could buy a big enough house, with the money from sale, to have guests visit once in a while.

Because your child is so young, now would be a good time to move.  Your child would also learn another language, which is a very useful skill and you would have some new experiences as well.  If you are wanting to move and open to it, it sounds like now might be a  great time to move.  I know when we lived 700 miles + from NMIL, life was much less chaotic. 

[all4peace]

I fantasize about moving. While it would help tremendously, I don't think the problems would disappear. We'd still see the garbage on FB. We'd still be ignored out of the family. And if ILs did do duty visits, we'd be stuck spending whole days with them instead of a couple family meals per year.

I agree with shutterbug--it's tremendously powerful to stop letting them control you right where you are.

I also agree with MF2--living in a foreign country would be a tremendously enriching thing for a child of any age!

[Inurdreams]

I would go in a heartbeat!

I guess it would depend on how much involvement your Ps and ILs have in your life.  If they are still involved, I would worry about extended stay visits from them or worry about calls demanding my return every time someone got a paper cut.

DH was offered a job several states away from ILs a few years ago, which he took and we moved here and it has been bliss.  No more drive-bys, no more drop-ins.  No more expectations of us attending whatever holiday or random gathering they have.  And since neither DH nor I have FB we don't have to see what everyone is saying or doing.

But, we are NC with all but one of them who DH is VLC with and even that one is headed toward the NC pile or the "gone stack" as DH says.

I think it would be great to explore a new country even if for only a year or so before your child gets old enough to start forming meaningful friendships.

I don't think you are silly, either.  I actually used to watch House Hunters International where people find new homes in different countries just so I could sort of get at least a limited feel for that country.  DH works for a global company where it's not out of the question to transfer to a job in another country so I am always researching and fantasizing about moving to another country.

As long as you are moving toward something instead of just running away from something, I think it's a great idea. 

[bloomie]

marizabet - there are many professionals that do pre marital counseling with couples that suggest moving away from FOO, even if just for a time, to firmly establish yourselves as a separate family unit.

Early in our family life I really wanted to move away from both my family and my in laws. Even just a few hours drive distance would've made a big difference. Almost every aspect of our lives were entwined and it was suffocating. We didn't do that and I regret staying so close to the drama train.

There is much to be said for children growing up with culturally diverse experiences as well. If it is an area you could envision being happy living I would seriously consider it. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity to get some much needed space.

[Pepin]

Yup, I had my bags packed the minute I finished reading your post.  I'll go!!!!!!!  I am literally dying to get away from where we live just to become incognito and have a fresh start.  It would be so liberating.  I would love to learn about a new culture and pick up a language.  You and your family will be rewarded with enrichment and great perspective if you decide to move abroad.  It will be amazing.

[Brenda D.]

How far would you go to get away

Elon Musk is talking about colonizing Mars ... that should be sufficient ....

[all4peace]

How far would you go to get away

Elon Musk is talking about colonizing Mars ... that should be sufficient ....

Bwahaha!

[dewytwix]

In our situation, us moving was the trigger for all the most recent drama and our being disowned by NMIL.  Once she realised DH wasn't towing the party line like he used to and that we'd soon be outside her area of control, she really let loose with all barrels. 

Now she is hoovering DS and had upped his status as the new GC.  I feel awful as DS is still in the FOG in regard to his Nan and it's obvious he partially resents us for all the "hurt" his Nan has endured. 

Anyway, We moved all the way to Africa!  Not to get away from NMiL, but for work...getting away from her was just a fringe benefit.  And honestly, at first it was still hell, even thousands of miles and an ocean away.  But at least it was email hell and not face to face.  Moving didn't solve or help anything, in our case it made it worse.

However, the escalation it caused has resulted in pure bliss for us as we are now NC and drama free.  Her losing it helped bring both myself and DH Out of the FOG and the distance has helped us see everything far more clearly.  All that's left for us is to help DS understand he isn't responsible for his Nans happiness. 

It's an unfortunate possibility that when the PD loses one source, they will do all they can to find another.  Also, be prepared to be talked about and bad mouthed to one and all.  NMiL isn't talking to us, but Social media is her new way of trying to get even with us...we just blocked her, problem solved!

You can't run away from problems, they will follow you...even all the way to Africa, lol.  It is the NC that has allowed us to move on and enjoy our lives.

[gary]

Hi marizabet

  In my little opinion I think you guys should move there only for the reason that you all want to live there if only for awhile.

As others have mentioned going NC would have to be in order no matter how far away you are. Some things may drop off like any drive bys they may have done or phone calls if you been answering them and needing to come up with an excuse for not showing up at any functions.

But during my 7 year bout with my bpdgf going through these things we deal with here  I traveled around the world alone twice and in every country as soon as I opened up my suitcase there she was.

[Sesame]

I have done so, but it is more because of H's job requiring it than anything else.

We once went to Europe to be closer to family and that practically blew up in my face. That thankfully enlightened H and we now live in Asia. Far away from uNMIL's negative influence, constant harassment and attacks on my character, I feel I have truly had the chance to heal from past abuse as well as from her abuse. If H is on board with whatever boundaries you wish to set, it can work wonderfully. We still get phone calls and visits, but nowhere near the volume it was when we lived much closer by. I can also almost completely avoid talking to her. Looks like she has gone into hoover mode, but I am not falling for it.

Even so, there are many things you absolutely need to consider before deciding to move to another country where you will need to learn another language. Going to visit for a short time is very, very different from actually living in a place. There are important things to think about: visas, finding a new home, getting a bank account, getting credit cards, finding a school for your kid, finding a doctor, learning the language... In some countries, even going to the supermarket and figuring out what's what is an adventure of its own! If your husband's company would help the family relocate, it would be a hell of a lot easier than it has been for H and I and you will probably immediately end up in an ex-pat community, or at least a neighbourhood with lots of ex-pats around. Either way, if possible, I would recommend renting an apartment if you visit beforehand to get more of a taste for what life is like there. It's a little more authentic than staying in a hotel and only sight-seeing because then you have to visit the supermarket and such.

[bopper]

We moved to Germany for 3 years because of my husband's job.  It was their idea so they paid for it and had a relocation company help us set everything up/find a place to live.  Our kids went to an international English speaking school.  I went to the local adult-education school and learned German.  I joined a group of ex-pat women to make friends and have activities.

[Pepin]

Bopper -- I would love, love, love to do what you did.  Germany is very close to my heart.  My husband could easily get transferred there as well. 

As my husband stated recently....we are not going anywhere because of his mother (PDMIL).  All I could do was remain quiet and walk away in disappointment. 

[marizabet]

I definitely would love to visit headquarters just for the fun of it. There would be pros and cons to moving, but I would definitely think about it if I liked it enough. I wouldn't move just because I want to avoid the PDs.

[Nomoreblind]

I have moved an hours' flight 5-6 hours' drive away in a different country with different language from NMIL.   It's been a year now.  Pros: no more visits every other week where I hear the constant passive aggressive criticism, about how I mother my child, only grand child by the way.  No more feeling intruded. The every other week visit was a boundary I imposed to my H, when DD was born and all of a sudden NMil who I used to see every 6 months came 3 times in a week just sitting around for coffee and cakes, when I am  a sleepless, hormonal woman recovering from labour pains.  No more hiding the fact that I do socialise with other people. Because NMIL ups the guilt trip with H if de knows that.  She must be entitled to our free time or be part of our social circle.  I feel awkward around her, uneasy.  She intruded on a barbecue once H let her know we are having friends around.  All if a sudden nSIL and NMil were at our door because they were in our area.  We live an hour away from them, they know no one near what the hell was that.  NMIL made one of my H friend uncomfortable with her "jokes" and in front of her I gave him a big hug and said thanks to him for helping us over the past year.  That shut her up.  Well these are the ups.  She is also aging late 70's I am mid 30's with a toddler.  Grand kid is SUPPLY, the move ensure no using of my child to show off.  My DD will also not witness someone being passive aggressive with her mum while her dad just stands and watch.  Saying that he did stand up to her while she tried some drama when I was putting DD to bed.  1st time in 9 years. We avoid any care of aging NMIL starting to have dementia I think ( or simply an act, she knows not to mention different affairs of NSIL in front of her different boyfriends)  Cons: they visit.  A few days every 4-5 months.  NSIL guilt trips H.  They try to use flying monkeys.  Not even 2 m9nths after our move NSIL sick of her mum constant demands wanted to have a break and send her to me with mil's friend.  I said no, have a toddler, boxes not yet unpacked, running a new business, how am i supposed to cope with NMil.  She blew up and i gave her a piece of my mind.  MIL first visit was at a hotel but she still managed to get H run around her every need.  She is extremely needy, dependant and lazy in my opinion.  Other visits were a couple of days home, but Nsil came along. I just was polite, but let H do all the cooking.  I made no effort.  The good thing with toddlers is that they keep you busy, bath times, nap time, changing nappies etc.  I go in my room watching TV otherwise.  Not interested in one way conversations.  So moving away helps a lot, I hardly see them.  I feel mentally in a better place than before.  The anxiety I had has reduced a lot.

[Entj]

A few years ago I moved abroad and then I met my husband here, who had also moved abroad on his own. Being away makes things easier, but you still need to implement boundaries. For example, in-laws used to call every day and then we decided we do not accept their phone calls at our place. They can call at DH's work, if they want, but no one picks up here anymore. It's amazing how in-laws used to control our lives from so far away!

That being said, we do not have to worry about attending family gatherings and stuff like that. They did visit twice in the beginning for 10 days each time, but old age and bad health hasn't allowed them to do so again. Our time spent with them is restricted to when we go to our home country (for vacations and to see my family), which is a couple of times a year. Whenever I go back alone with the kid, we don't even tell them. 

I'd totally recommend moving abroad to anyone with young kids, as everyone will benefit from coming into contact with a different culture and language. Moving abroad alone will not solve any issues with in-laws, as you still need to do the work and set boundaries. It must be a lot easier though than living close to them, I suspect

[Adria]

We moved across country to get away from all the narc trouble. That was 14 years ago, and you couldn't pay me enough to move back. Yes, at times I feel lonely, but I felt even more lonely in my home town because of all the lies and alienation. Best thing we have ever done. You may feel lonely, but you will have peace. Sometimes peace comes at a price, but well worth it. I wish you the best whatever your decision.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Going away to college, then getting married and moving far away got me mostly off of the PD radar. Out of sight, out of mind. I didn't know how good I had it. Then a job change brought us within easy driving distance and I was looking forward to having the opportunity to be closer to faaaaaaaamily...



And now we're all NC! 

So, being closer geographically helped bring me Out of the FOG, but otherwise it was horrible. The pwPDs were better able to act normal when it was for extremely limited amounts of time, and there was usually an audience of "outsiders" to act as a buffer when they would visit from far away at holidays and such. When it was more of regular life, and just us, and I wanted help with moving in or babysitting or something, forget about any pretense of caring about us. And who knows what all the people in their town have heard about us to excuse our lack of attendance on them. I would never move any closer than I am now to their small town for any reason whatsoever.

Stay or go is your choice entirely. There isn't a right or wrong answer here, in my opinion. You may do it for the "wrong" reasons. Our move here definitely had strong elements of FOG involved in the decision-making process. Oh well. We certainly learned from it! From where I'm sitting the admonition of "Don't just run away!" makes sense, but on another level it's almost gaslight-y. Your part of the problem will come with you, absolutely. And you'll have to pack your toolbox. But if moving away helps you and your children be safe, and you can do it while taking care of your real obligations, and you want to, then why the heck not? Even if your motivation is "just to avoid the PDs," that would be a huge boost in your quality of life. No need to minimize or apologize for that. It feels like we're giving them too much power maybe, but being honest about how they're affecting your daily life and that you need the physical distance gives YOU the power.

[Wanderingsoul]

I 100% would move away to avoid them. You're so lucky you have that option on the table. I pray it works for you.