Nervous about Dating after uPDx

[Sapling]

Hi all,

It's been a while since I've posted on here. This year I've moved into a flat on my own and started a new job. Things are beginning to look up after a harrowing few years of disappointment and upheaval... I am starting to go out and get the things I think I deserve.

Now that I am out working again and in public I am noticing people taking an interest in me and it is a bit scary. I'm not socially anxious or anything but I am afraid to trust my own judgement after my last partner turned out to have BPD and N traits. They told me in the beginning they had Bipolar and reassured me they were stable. But I've never been hurt so deeply in all my life. I was love-bombed, devalued/avoided, then discarded. It was also deeply embarrassing because all my family and friends thought this was the person I would settle down with. Everyone was shocked when it ended, not just me.

Someone I met through work has invited me out for a coffee. They are very kind and easy to talk to and I am interested in going. (They are quite a bit older than me but then again I'm in my early 40s so not exactly a spring chicken myself  ). But, after my last partner, I am scared that I am not capable of choosing the right person. I wonder if anyone has any advice or any green flags I should be looking for?

Your insight would be appreciated.

Cheers, Sapling

[pianissimo]

Awareness of your blindspots around dating and relationships might help.

In my case, I can have limerance  and infatuation, for example, and they are so strong and they feel so so good. I've realized over time, these feelings come from the lost child.  I think that, I also idealize the person in quesiton. I don't think I lovebomb, but, in my mind, the person looks perfect. One thing that helps me stop from taking action is knowing that it's an unfair treatment for the person in question. I think that, in general, if there is this feeling that the person can "save me", I know the lost child in me is acting up. Again, if I'm doing some kind of magical thinking, like "everything will work out", it's bad news. Being aware of these, it's a little easier to take things slowly, watch out for boundaries, and see the person for who they are. Also, the lost child grieves for the loss of potential love. This is something else to watch out for, so that I can break things off when necessary. Also, I think these feelings block the gut feeling. Like, normally, if something said or done feels wrong, it repels you, but if you are riding these emotions, it becomes less likely to be turned off.  As a final note, all these are easier said than done.

Good luck with your date!