Scapegoated Senior Citizen - Other peers out there?

[Mimi]

I joined because I am in distress.  Being a senior citizen, parents are deceased.  Family consists of remaining siblings and their off springs and spouses.  Older sister diseased, eight years younger sister reacted to my boundary setting --five years ago--aggressively. 
   I loved her so much, forgave her so much, that I was blindsided throughout 70 years of my life of her abuse.   How can someone you love so much abuse you? Love can be forgiving but I believe I no longer love her.
   As to her history, never married, out-of-wedlock daughter with a married man. Her mother-daughter relationship is dysfunctional. She submits to her daughter.
   As for me, it was not until my third separation/divorce, that I became aware of the nature of my spousal/people-related victimization.  Narcissist father, dysfunctional family.
   To keep it short, my father was a full-blown narcissist.  Unsurprisingly, I married three narcissists.  My mother may have been a narcissist/enabler.    (She died when I was 21). 
   Going back to my living younger sister, after much unsuccessful efforts on my part to reconcile the relationship, I had no choice but to go "no contact" due to her unwillingness to accept responsibility for her actions nor to respect my boundaries. 
   This triggered her decision to sabotage my relationship with my two male siblings and my dearly lover niece/god-daughter from my deceased sister.   I think the two male siblings disregarded it, but my nice god-daughter cut communications with me today.    She ignored  my birthday card, a first.
   Any support/insight you may provide is appreciated.  I am hurting.

[coyote]

Mimi,
Welcome to Out of the FOG. I'm sorry about your niece. I can relate as I have a daughter that has cut off contact due to her uNPD mom feeding her lies about me. All I can say is that we can't control anyone but ourselves. So we can't control who family is going to listen or what they will do with what they hear.  I wish I could give more advice but you will hear from others here a lot smarter than I.  You will get a lot of support and understanding here. I'm sorry you need us but glad you found us.

[Mimi]

Hi Hero Member, being born and raised in a Narcissistic environment apparently curses one for life.   My father was a Narcissist and so was my firs husband, the father of my only child who --after requesting I abort my child-- turned my most loved child against me after I decided to proceed with his request for a divorce.  I am tired of being victimized by members of family of origin and the predictable narcissistic spouses I was predetermined to marry.   

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome. So many of us come here raw and hurting and find insights, support, and a healing path forward. Take good advantage of the information at the drop down menus above, read through the posts and threads on the boards where you will find a great deal of wisdom and validation for your experiences and current struggles in relationship with family members you believe may be personality disordered.

A simple suggestion might be - with your beloved niece - talking with her and seeing if there is a way through this for your relationship. At least you know you have not stayed in a victim stance, but rather have made the move to work things out? It doesn't change the pain and grief if she is not interested in working things out, but I have found there is a distinct difference knowing I have done all I can to restore relationship with someone I love so much.

Good luck with this and I trust you will find your time here a good support for you!

[regretsonly]

Yes, Mimi - you do have a peer.  I am 65 years old and feel foolish that I was used by my selfish, conniving narcissistic sister who is two years older than I am.  She hated me from the moment my parents brought me home after birth - she had a vile jealousy reaction, and was brutally abusive towards me for the first 20 years of my life - we didn't get along at all until I made a conscious effort to become friends with her after we were both married in our 20's.  Long story short, I had the illusion we were good friends from around ages 25-55.  Since then, I start realizing that our friendship was a one-way street in her direction, and she resumed her highly abusive and controlling behavior - not physical this time, but verbally abusive and prolonged emotional battery.  Just like you did, I tried to reason with her, and kept trying to salvage our relationship.  About 6 months ago, I went no contact (NC) with her due to her refusal to own any of her aberrant behavior, her refusal to respect boundaries and an absence of empathy and human decency.  If you don't know this already, going NC with a Narc is taken as a severe injury to their fragile sense of self.  It produces Narcissistic rage, including a desire to get back at you, and to regain control of your mutual contacts.  Thus, the smear campaign against me started immediately, and I have about 25 people who apparently aren't speaking to me.  I was prepared for this, both by extensive reading and an excellent therapist who had been through this herself.  It seems your smear campaign has just begun too.

Your sister has already gotten through to your niece/godchild - she will keep up the attempts with your brothers and their spouses/children too, and any mutual family friends.  She will tell them you are mean and crazy, and do her best to convince them that they don't really know you the way she does.  She knows you better, and they had better stay away from you.  That's the standard war talk of a Narc who has sustained any slight to their ego.  The people who enable your abuser are referred to as secondary abusers or flying monkeys.  They do not necessarily come from a place of malice - they are often naive & malleable, or simply have a hard time believing your sister is fabricating things about you.  Look, I consider myself a pretty intelligent person, and my sister had me snowed for 30 years too, so it's not hard to believe the Narc will be turning on the charm when they try to destroy you and the reputation you've built up for 70 years.   

The therapist I had for 2 years explained to me how people often feel that secondary abuse is worse than primary abuse from the Narc.  I honestly don't feel that way - not yet anyway, but it could happen.  My feeling at this time is that my other siblings, and all my nieces and nephews can either believe what they already know about me, or they can believe what they are being told by my disordered sister.  It's their choice, and it's out of my control.  If they choose to believe the lies my sister is peddling, I will simply consider them even more disappointing then I already do.  My biggest concern now is that my Narc abuser sister is working hard to make inroads with one of my DIL's, and she is treating me differently of late. I'm working on that one ever so carefully.  Most sources say the best way to combat the Narc's smear campaign is to hold your head up high and just continue to be yourself - hopefully the enablers will see you are no different than you were.  I know, Mimi - it seems ridiculous that we need to prove to people we've known for a lifetime, that we are the kind, caring people we've been all along...and at our ages!  These Narcs are lifetime burdens whether we go NC or not.     

So that's it for now, Mimi - you have some homework to do to figure out how to salvage your relationship with your godchild.  Focus on Narc injury & Narc rage to understand what has happened, then secondary abuse...since that is what's happening to you right now. There are lots of helpful articles on this site, and one more site that's excellent is called flying monkeys denied.  Good luck to you - let's stay in touch.                       

[scapegoatnumerouno]

wow regretsonly,  what an amazing post!!!  I need to save this one.  What a wonderful way to explain!  This is my life with a NARC sister and possible NARC mother as well.