Dad acting very strangely indeed

[p123]

Hes done this in the past but I must admit I am concerned about his mental state....

Those of you who've read my other posts will know what hes like. It all came to a head a few weeks ago, when his cousin said "no Im not taking you to hospital any more". This was after 2-3 fake hospital (inc 4-5 hour wait). Good I said. So Dad asked me - No I won't be doing it either. If its an emergency I'm sure an ambulance will take you or pay for a taxi (of course he refuses to pay for a taxi but my argument is well you can't be that ill then if you're more concerned about £10).

So hes become OBSESSED that someone needs to be around to "take him to hospital". Weird or what? No-one plans it in advance. Really really obsessed.
Last 2 visits have been him basically going on about it - I just said no no no I am not taking you.

Hes done this before too. I noticed it last few phone calls. He doesnt put the phone down properly and when I phone him and say "OK I'll see you later" when Im visiting he says something like "Oh thank you God hes coming". Now this is freaking me out a bit that hes so obsessed with things these days that hes praying to get divine help to make sure I visit.

I mean come on. I'm a little concerned about his mental state to be honest. I would say now that 99% of his thinking is him going on about how ill he is and trying to ensure someone is around to help him. I guess its the narc supply he can't cope with.

Reality is hes not that ill AT ALL. Hes just cancelled his carer (it was free for 6 weeks then he had to pay so that was that). Oh I suppose part of that 99% is thinking how NOT to spend any money at all....

Basically, Dad wants to not spend money, someone to magically fix his ailments, and for someone to available to do what he wants at a moments notice. In practical terms, this is never happening but hes obsessed over it all.

Is this normal to be so obsessed?

[Boat Babe]

Nothing's normal about your dad. Based on everything you have said on this forum indicates that he has a PD. He is currently reaping what he has down (the other family member has pulled back, finally, and you have started setting boundaries) He no longer has supply. That is his problem, not ageing. He is panicking and is trying to emmesh you into looking after him through uberwaifing and emotional blackmail. That is not normal l

The ONLY thing you can do is to see this for what it is and take tbe appropriate action to not get dragged into this drama.

[p123]

Nothing's normal about your dad. Based on everything you have said on this forum indicates that he has a PD. He is currently reaping what he has down (the other family member has pulled back, finally, and you have started setting boundaries) He no longer has supply. That is his problem, not ageing. He is panicking and is trying to emmesh you into looking after him through uberwaifing and emotional blackmail. That is not normal l

The ONLY thing you can do is to see this for what it is and take tbe appropriate action to not get dragged into this drama.

Yes I know and I'm not getting involved...... You're right hes now pushed away tons of family members and friends with his behaviour. Now no-one will do a thing for him because of his attitude.

Even last night, I rushed to finish work, rushed to sort the kids, rushed to the supermarket for him, rushed to drive the 25 miles to him then he has a go that I'm 15 mins later than I said I'd be! OMG its no wonder no-one offers him a ride any more.

I think its the massive obsessions hes got now that freaks me out a bit. I mean, yeh hes religious (I've always wondered how that tied up with ability to treat people like complete crap but there we go) but being so obsessed you feel the need to pray just to get someone to visit is a bit scary!

I think my Dad is even using God here for his narc supply! I wonder if God will get annoyed with his moaning like everyone else has!

[Hazy111]

Is this normal to be so obsessed ?  This is a rhetorical question , no?

What Boat Babe said 100% .

Again to reiterate its about maintaining supply (narc) part of which is having control and power over someone and hes panicking cos  he feels hes losing this power forever. Hes tried everything in the playbook. It happened to my Dad. It isnt a pleasant experience. But you know all this dont you?

Maybe there will be a divine intervention if he prays more etc.  ( I went to Church at Easter and the retiring vicar was happily telling the congregation during the sermon how God had been talking to him ?? ) Maybe your Dad could get his number for a direct chat?   

[justducky]

What Hazy and Boat Babe said.

Your father has plenty of options for transportation. He simply doesn't like that they cost a little money. He has plenty of money to pay for it. So too bad, so sad.

Please try not to fret about your father's weird PD behavior. Think of him as a tantruming child who isn't getting candy whenever he wants it. This "child" isn't actually a child and isn't your responsibility. He's not helpless at all. Try to focus on your and your family. 

[Starboard Song]

Basically, Dad wants to not spend money, someone to magically fix his ailments, and for someone to available to do what he wants at a moments notice. In practical terms, this is never happening but hes obsessed over it all.

Is this normal to be so obsessed?

Of course not. Sadly, I am afraid it is also probably not at all rare, especially in quite elderly folks. Whatever his real ailments, or their severity, your father seems to be suffering some dementia at this point. He's banging his head against the wall, with the same complaints, some of them fake and most exagerated. You can see he never takes real steps to change anything: getting the hearing aids or accepting the home care, or whatever. He just cries for help over and over, even when some of his complaints appear baseless. The unfortunate part is that you and other people close to him pay the price. You've taken steps in the last year to reduce the price you have to pay, and that your family has to pay, and that only pushes him further into his darkness.

Remember though, My Stuff / Your Stuff.

[NarcKiddo]

I agree there could well be some dementia in the mix now. That probably makes it harder to deal with for you (it would for me because I would be tempted to think an element of dementia makes it not all his fault any more). You really need to think about how you protect yourself from getting sucked back in. Bottom line is he has cried Wolf so many times and nobody can be expected to keep running to his aid - even if it turns out that on one occasion he actually needs it. And to be honest, if he actually needs to get help you know he has the means to get it and pay for it.

[Sneezy]

It wouldn't be surprising to find out that your dad is in the early stages of dementia, although it could just be his NPD along with some normal age-related decline.  In any case, I have found that the tools we use to deal with PDs work pretty well with dementia, too.  The most important for me seem to be 1. medium chill and 2. don't JADE.  You already know that trying to logically explain things to your dad doesn't work.  If he has dementia, his ability to follow and agree with your logic will only get worse.  Keep doing what has been working for you - "sorry, dad, I can't come down to see you today, but we'll see if we can make that work another time" and then change the subject.  Don't feel obligated to answer the phone and/or call back right away.  Do exactly what you feel you want to do - no more - and then try to distance yourself and not feel guilty.  You can't fix him - he is reaping what he sowed and that, along with old age, is what is happening here.

[p123]

Is this normal to be so obsessed ?  This is a rhetorical question , no?

What Boat Babe said 100% .

Again to reiterate its about maintaining supply (narc) part of which is having control and power over someone and hes panicking cos  he feels hes losing this power forever. Hes tried everything in the playbook. It happened to my Dad. It isnt a pleasant experience. But you know all this dont you?

Maybe there will be a divine intervention if he prays more etc.  ( I went to Church at Easter and the retiring vicar was happily telling the congregation during the sermon how God had been talking to him ?? ) Maybe your Dad could get his number for a direct chat?

Im still always amazed at just how far he will go though.,.....

[p123]

Basically, Dad wants to not spend money, someone to magically fix his ailments, and for someone to available to do what he wants at a moments notice. In practical terms, this is never happening but hes obsessed over it all.

Is this normal to be so obsessed?

Of course not. Sadly, I am afraid it is also probably not at all rare, especially in quite elderly folks. Whatever his real ailments, or their severity, your father seems to be suffering some dementia at this point. He's banging his head against the wall, with the same complaints, some of them fake and most exagerated. You can see he never takes real steps to change anything: getting the hearing aids or accepting the home care, or whatever. He just cries for help over and over, even when some of his complaints appear baseless. The unfortunate part is that you and other people close to him pay the price. You've taken steps in the last year to reduce the price you have to pay, and that your family has to pay, and that only pushes him further into his darkness.

Remember though, My Stuff / Your Stuff.

To be honest, a lot of it is like you said. Dad has an idea in his head that the world works like A when hes so out of touch its more like B.

In his head, family jump when you ask them. Cabs/taxis are not to be used because they are not for "working people". Doctors you visit they give you a pill and you are cured.

[p123]

I agree there could well be some dementia in the mix now. That probably makes it harder to deal with for you (it would for me because I would be tempted to think an element of dementia makes it not all his fault any more). You really need to think about how you protect yourself from getting sucked back in. Bottom line is he has cried Wolf so many times and nobody can be expected to keep running to his aid - even if it turns out that on one occasion he actually needs it. And to be honest, if he actually needs to get help you know he has the means to get it and pay for it.

Oh the not paying really gets my goat.....

So he wants me to sack off work at short notice, drive 30 mins to him to drive him 10 mins to hospital. Sit there with him for 4-5 hours (so I can listen out for his name being called because he can't hear it - HEARING AID!!!) just to save him £10-£15 in a taxi. And he thinks this is OK?

I don't get paid if I'm not working either and for half a day its a lot more than £15 it'd cost me!!!!

To be honest, if he'd never done it and it was genuine it'd be something but I know its 99% chance another wild goose chase....

With Dad though, he gets a warm fuzzy feeling when he knows hes got someone bang to rights on the hook waiting for his command. This is the important thing for him.

Of course, as everyone says, hes panicking now because hes burned through all his friends and family with his behaviour. So he went back to me this week and I re-iterated that NO I would not be taking him to hospital under any cirumstances. If it was a real emergency a proper ambulance would be better anyway or if it wasnt then if its not important enough to spend £15 on then hes not ill enough to even be there.

Which is why hes so upset now because he has no options left.

[nanotech]

 As you know I have similar with my UNPDDAD.
I've got to the happy stage now where I  finally accepted all of the attempted histrionics, the constant illogical BS and the ridiculous expectations. I  began to ignore them, and I went on happily with my life. I still see him, but it's now always on my terms.
Last time I got sucked back in was five years ago. Same with UNPDsister.  Sister  has responded with the silent treatment. With sister, it's been about a decade now! I would have loved a normal relationship but I finally realised it wasn't possible. I'd been caretaking her for a long time. She wanted me to carry on feeling responsible for her happiness.  I resigned from the post.
I think your dad tries to do that with you. You don't have to feel his feelings, you don't even have to react to his feelings. In fact, reacting to his feelings, even adversely, can validate them for him and might strengthen them.  You're not responsible for  his feelings.  It's hard not to be reactive, especially when they are directly critical of us. But once you stop reacting, you bow out of the dysfunctional dance. It feels weird at first and our conditioning of FOG tries to impose self shame on us for looking like we don't care.
That's the weapon in use. They employ this to keep us in check. Just step away.

[Hazy111]

I see that  dementia is being brought up. People with dementia arent able to plan and  manipulate and are cunning in their thought processes.  Duplicitous and selective in their memory recall. This requires quite a sophisticated degree of mental cognition. This isnt dementia.

My Dad was 96 and had very little signs of definable dementia. He was getting a bit forgetful near the end admittedly but at 96 this was to be expected and was 90% deaf.  Btw, selective deafness as we know is in the PD playbook

Im amazed sometimes that a forum dealing with PD and PD is staring right back at you, people prefer to look for an alternative. Its there hiding in plain site as the saying goes. Once you know the "telltales" you can pick it up easily if you are around someone for long enough. They cant put on  an act forever and the mask can slip with those they are not intimately  involved with. Maybe its  because its a definable mental illness, Cluster B on the DSM . As Narckiddo said its easier to accept if its dementia. It isnt something they acquire with age, its been part of their personality since they were a small child. Its personality disorder, not age related mental deterioration.

That isnt to say PD people dont develop dementia. That double whammy is truly awful.

With Dad though, he gets a warm fuzzy feeling when he knows hes got someone bang to rights on the hook waiting for his command. This is the important thing for him.

It doesnt sound like dementia to me.

[justducky]

FWIW, my uPD father definitely had some cognitive decline in the last few years of his life. This was confirmed by doctors when he was in the hospital for the last two months of his life. They'd found evidence of mini-strokes. They wouldn't say if he had dementia, but tests indicated cognitive decline. He was the same grouchy, morose bully he'd been when he was healthier and younger.

The signs of cognitive impairment that I witnessed first hand were occasional confusion and trouble finding words. uPD father would want to go on a rant about something, lose his train of thought, and look lost and scared. During conversation (or what passes for conversation with a PD) he'd frequently stop and try to come up with the right word. Usually he couldn't and would substitute something else that usually made sense in context.

Since I was VLC I never witnessed this, but I am told that uPD father had double vision and dizziness sometimes from the mini-strokes.

Learning all of this after he was rushed to the hospital was quite a shock. enMom had enabled him to great lengths. It was a shitshow.

[Poison Ivy]

I think my late father-in-law had both: a personality disorder most of his life, some cognitive decline in his final year or two of life.

[p123]

Did well last night

"Worse pain I've ever had" - I hear that about a different ailment every week. I just said "oh really"

"I can't cope with this I'll have to phone the doctor" - "Oh OK up to you".
"I'll have to call an AMBULANCE NOW!!!" - "OK let me know how it works out"
"So are you around this weekend?" - now I get this leading question all the time he means am I around to take him to hospital. "Run off my feet this weekend with the kids, wife working etc"

Then I said "So did you see the cricket last night?"
then it was "Oh ok speak soon bye"

Impressed? Just not getting involved any more at all.

[Waz]

Well done!🎉

[Hazy111]

"So are you around this weekend?" Got a version of that every Tuesday/Wednesday on the daily  phone call . Always early in the week in case i had made no plans. 

[justducky]

Well done, p123! 

[nanotech]

Did well last night

"Worse pain I've ever had" - I hear that about a different ailment every week. I just said "oh really"

"I can't cope with this I'll have to phone the doctor" - "Oh OK up to you".
"I'll have to call an AMBULANCE NOW!!!" - "OK let me know how it works out"
"So are you around this weekend?" - now I get this leading question all the time he means am I around to take him to hospital. "Run off my feet this weekend with the kids, wife working etc"

Then I said "So did you see the cricket last night?"
then it was "Oh ok speak soon bye"

Impressed? Just not getting involved any more at all.

You've done brilliantly! Medium chilled, then changed the topic, which got him off the phone! Fabulous!