Sorta regret not seeking counseling before leaving

[Think-Albatross-740]

So I (47M) left my wife (50F) in April after enduring 17 years of verbal/emotional abuse. I had individual therapy starting early this year, and really started to change some of my problem behaviors, like drinking too much, and sometimes blowing up and yelling at our kid (9F) in a scary way. I got on antidepressants and started going gray rock with my wife to minimize conflict. This registered to her as a "weird behavior change" that she shopped around to a bunch of my friends and even my doctor.

Some weeks before I left, I tried to ask her to get in therapy for herself, or jointly with me. She said I was "getting uppity" and "now that you're in therapy you think you're the perfect parent". So at D-Day I presented her a letter telling her that I was leaving. I didn't leave the door open for marital counseling, because I felt that I couldn't go into it with an honest open heart. I would have been going in only to justify myself to her, and that felt both unnecessary and dangerous (because I didn't want to expose myself to more abuse inside the therapeutic process).

Since separation day she's been reasonable and nice enough, no blowups, just a few rude jibes when I pick up the kid. Fast forward to this week. She and I were having a civil divorce business conversation. She brought up feeling abandoned by me given how I left. She says she's come around to the fact that it was the right decision for both of us, but she still faults me for leaving without talking it out or getting therapy. She even suggested we go into couples' therapy now.

She says she doesn't like how I "dehumanize her" (her term). Her example for this? I reacted somewhat indifferently when she told me she's gotta have her wisdom teeth removed. I remember this conversation, and I did say "oh, I'm sorry to hear that" but it probably seemed cold because I am doing gray rock. Her other example of a "dehumanizing thing" is that apparently I called her a narcissist in the early part of this year, before I left. I don't remember that conversation at all. I think she may be inventing that based on seeing my Kindle reading history, which is full of books on narcissism.

Part of me regrets not getting exit therapy because it might have given me a stronger case for leaving. And part of me wants to hash out the scorecard in therapy now, and see who comes out on top. That's stupid, right? Is there anything at all that could be gained from doing marital therapy with her now?

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

In my experience, marriage counseling actually did more damage to me than it helped.  My husband was able to manipulate the sessions and take advantage of my honestly and willingness to work on our marriage.   He used what I said against me later.  The counseling, I believe, set me back a year or two.  I felt like I was to blame.  Oh look, I triggered him.  What did I do wrong?  blah blah blah. 

He was abusing me - emotionally and financially.  I was not, am not, responsible in any way for what he choose, and I do mean, choose, to do to me.

Now, I am responsible for using my tools - I have been struggling, getting better.  I need to GR so this guy gets bored and moves on. 

Please read some of the posts because others share their experiences.  This is your journey; remember to treat yourself well. 

[Lauren17]

I tried marriage counseling with uNPDh. It was a complete failure.
Since I told him I'm filing, he's tried several times to get me to go to counseling with him. He even comes up with new reasons and new names for it.
I've actively encouraged him to seek counseling for his own healing. And I've made it clear I won't be joining him.
If you research PD online, you'll see that many professionals advice against marriage counseling in these situations.
It sounds to me like your stbx is using this to guilt you into second guessing your decision.

[Gettintired76]

I had considered counseling for myself and my ex, but I was afraid it would turn into a circular he said she said failure that would ultimately show me to be to blame. I get a lot of the blame anyways, I hear so much of " your the man why can't you make her do?" "Grow a set of balls" and. " a real man wouldn't put up with that, it's your fault since you stayed". My fave is the snickers and laughs when she would go after me in public.

[xredshoesx]

since you have a young child maybe being in therapy with her could help you coparent better?

i get the scorecard thing.  i did that with the ex-  i had sold him a car he never paid me for that eventually ended up in his mother's driveway and for YEARS after we broke up when i was in the area i had to see if it was still parked there.... it was like each and every time i saw it, it reinforced for me that i made the right decision to MOVE ON.

[Lauren17]

Redshoes, I'm not convinced counseling will help with co parenting.
Stbxh and I  met with my DD's T a couple of times. He lies to the T about his behaviors and opinions from start to finish. I cannot call him out on that without looking unreasonable. And/or because DD is sitting there.
The only thing I've found it useful for is bringing up topics he's been stonewalling me on. With a witness, he feels obligated to respond. And respond in the most positive manner. So that he looks good.