uBPD waif mom in actual health crisis...

[KrystalBlue]

Wow, I don't think I've posted here since 2014, but I guess it doesn't hurt to give it another shot.

For background: I'm 32, an only child of long-divorced parents, and my 74 y/o mom is the textbook definition of waif. She's been emotionally dependent on me as her only friend/loved one for my entire life, something she has outright admitted with zero self-reflection to follow. She's prone to crying spells and the cold shoulder if I'm not as available as she would like. She loves accusing me of being more receptive to my friends than her (gee I wonder why). I've become better at setting boundaries since I've become an independent adult, but I'm afraid things are coming to a head due to her compiling health issues as she gets older.

My mom fixates on her health to an obsessive degree and has for as long as I can recall. I don't know if I would call her a hypochondriac per se, because her doctor and I are both convinced she does indeed have remitting-relapsing MS (and she's diabetic on top of that) but she's refused to get an MRI out of "anxiety that the test won't show any lesions." She's made her MS symptoms her entire personality. Almost every conversation we've had for the past decade has rounded back to her talking about "another weird MS symptom" she's had. They're all benign, it just seems like her hobby to talk about the "weirdness" of her own body I guess??

Recently, though, her eyesight has begun rapidly deteriorating due to diabetic retinopathy. In the past 4 months she's become almost entirely unable to read or see details on her own face in the mirror.

I hate hate HATE that I can't help but feel that she's been using this as an excuse to be more reliant on me and drag me in again. One part of me is screaming at myself "that's ableist! she's 74 and going blind, ffs!" and the other part reminds me that her intense neediness has been a pattern of behavior that has persisted through my ENTIRE adult life, well before her eyesight was compromised. If it wasn't her eyesight, it was her anxiety. I've had to be the functioning adult in so many situations with her despite suffering from panic disorder myself.

I live in the same state, but 3 hours away. I just can't keep coming down to visit her whenever I get a three day weekend or more to help her when she refuses to seek help herself even though both myself and the (SUPER patient and helpful) social worker at her retirement place have given her COUNTLESS resources and made calls and emails on her behalf that she refuses to follow through on unless *I'm* specifically there in person. It's driving me nuts because I DO sympathize and I am afraid for her losing her eyesight and I want to help, but I'm going into grad school soon and I have a full time job and, oh yeah, a lifetime of bitterness and resentment about being an emotional toilet for her.

Anyone else here have experience with PD parents who are going through health crises like this? How does one balance willingness to help and still set healthy boundaries? How do you not feel like an ableist POS in this kind of situation? I'm at a loss.

[Big Bear]

Krystal Blue,

That sounds so super stressful!  I'm sorry that this has been so hard on you.  But, quite honestly, I think that this would be hard and anyone, myself included!

Let's consider the positives:
1. She is in a retirement community.  This is a big deal, if she were living in a house alone, I would be much more concerned.  My FIL refused to move into assisted living or a retirement community, even when his health needs were becoming much more intense!  Some have such a reluctance to give up independent living!

2. She has a social worker.  This is such a huge resource.  It is her responsibility to reach out for more help if she needs it.  I would imagine that if she is already in a retirement community that help would probably not be that far away.  If only she would reach out for it!

It appears that she seems to prefer your help over professional help.  Well, you are familiar and have been helpful in the past . . .  "And these people the social worker wants to refer to me . . . well, I've never met them before.  They are strange and unknown!  I know that I should ask them for more help. . .  But, maybe I'll just ask dear daughter first.  . . . Yes, I so much prefer dear daughter. . . "

Please be gentle on yourself.  I don't have any specific answers, that's for you to decide.  But, please, consider what help you can safely offer and what would be too much.  Do not over exert yourself.  That won't help you or your mother.  Keeping yourself healthy will be the best thing for both you and her.  Please don't drive over there every weekend.  Help some if you are in a good place.  Be sure to take some weekends for yourself.  Don't feel guilty to ignore your phone, email, text, etc. for a while if you need a break.  It may sound simple, but please take care of yourself!  Thinking of you! 

: )

Take care,
Big Bear

[monamurre]

I'm so sorry! I'm in a similar situation and it is quite the no win scenario. As the physical health declines and their worlds become smaller I feel like the PD behavior really ramps up and their decision-making gets even more faulty.  I don't have a perfect answer but I'll share how I've balanced setting boundaries and being helpful.

My mom lives alone and has had declining health for decades. She is more hermit than waif, so while I hear about how bad things are in general, she is careful to keep me at arms length in terms of real information about her health. She is diabetic, going blind from macular degeneration (just had her license pulled by the DMV) and this summer got a terminal cancer diagnosis. I am an only child and well aware that at some point I am going to need to get involved, even if that is after she passes away, to deal with the property. So, I used the cancer diagnosis to shoulder my way in and start a conversation about her care because I want to get ahead of any preventable emergencies. I am 1000 miles away and don't fancy being called up by the neighbors to come help because mom did something stupid and made a bad situation worse.

This Summer I spent a fair amount of time and money getting her set up in a new house that we were having built on her property and that solves some of the immediate logistics of the situation. The new house is an improvement, but it is still not enough care as she is now basically blind and I find her eating rotten food and losing important things like the phone, etc. I also researched the Senior and Disability services in her area and talked to a caseworker. She was helpful but crystal clear that my mom needed to initiate the home visit that precedes any increase in care. The caseworker was also clear that she could only talk in generalities until my mom signed a waiver giving her permission to talk about my mom's case to me. I initiated that process and long story short my mom thwarted it.  So, with much teeth gritting I approached her directly about taking steps to get more care during four separate conversations. In each one she deflected, I pushed, she went silent, I pushed, she blew up, I walked away. Nothing I can do will force her to dial the phone or say the words..... Lastly, I am going to notify her sibling about the cancer so they can say their goodbyes but I don't think they will be involved in care because they are also old and live far away. Outside of that I honestly don't know what I could do short of moving her here (she won't come) or moving up there (which I won't do).

Its awful! I'm processing the guilt of walking away from a terminally ill parent who is living alone. I'm also worried about the proverbial "second shoe". Meaning, if she isn't getting enough attention from this gambit, what will she do next, set the new house on fire? Crash the car (she is still driving without a license)?

I guess my advice is be direct about what you think your mom needs to do and point her in the direction of resources. Make those statements clearly and maybe a few times. Offer what you are willing to do e.g., look up phone numbers if she can't work the computer, get her a phone for low vision folks, etc. Most importantly be clear with her about what you are not willing to do (e.g., show up in person every time she needs something). Then, hold that line whether she hears the advice or takes the advise or not. It is absolutely NOT your job to get your mom to take care of herself or to make good decisions. However, be prepared for an immature reaction when you stop playing the game. After I set some small boundaries with my mom and expressed my opinion about what she needed to do loudly and clearly, my mom stopped talking to me. She doesn't like to lose and the silent treatment may be her only card left to play.

It sounds like your mom is in a living situation where people will not let her totally languish and will notify you if she gets to a point where she needs a different level of care. This happened with my FIL. He was in some sort of independent living facility and had a stroke that affected his behavior. They were really clear that he needed more help than they could give in that set up and got him to initiate the process of moving into assisted living.

Again, I'm really sorry. This is such a crappy way to end our relationships with parents and it makes a thankless task even harder when they won't see reason and make good decisions. Wishing you lots of inner peace.