what have you been blamed for?

[findjoy81]

Throughout our marriage and subsequent divorce, I was blamed for many, many things.  Almost everything bad in our marriage, in fact.

We separated just shy of 4 years ago, divorced 3 years ago.  I'm still being blamed for things that have happened within the last 3 years, like him getting fired from both of his last jobs. 

No wonder he is so angry, he has convinced himself that it is my fault he lost his jobs! This, of course, is ludicrous for many reasons.  In addition, it is well-documented what he lost his job for, due to the nature of his job. 

So, what crazy things have you been blamed for?

[Poison Ivy]

I was blamed for my ex not being closer with his family. Basically, he said, we spent a lot of time with my family and not with his and that was my fault. 

Now we're divorced. I'm still tight with my siblings and my mom (my dad died several years ago).  Ex is now "free" to be close to his family but the only ones he's physically close to are his parents, because he's their caregiver.  The siblings stay away as much as possible.  Hmm, I guess I wasn't the cause of ex's dysfunctional family.

[D.Dan]

Well, let's see.

During marriage, I was blamed for

- his laziness
- making him look bad because of his laziness
- the children's autism
- the fact that 2 of our kids inherited a genetic anomaly (possibly related to them having autism) from HIM
- our children not talking and not being toilet trained like everyone else's
- him getting sick on the way to work because I made him breakfast
- him starving on the way to work when I stopped making him breakfast and he didn't want to waste 12 min making it himself
- him hurting the kids
- him swapping nudes and masturbating with a child online for most of a year
- the house falling apart because he didn't want me fixing it
- his blindness because he refused to wear his proper prescription
- the children getting cavities
- not getting our oldest on meds for behavioural issues 4 years earlier when he and his parents wanted (they wanted it for the odd meltdown not actual behaviour issues)
- for him losing our second child 3 TIMES in public while I was busy with the other 2
- us not having enough money for his spending sprees
- the kids needing to eat
- him not wanting to go out with his friends
- that child abuse is illegal
- him wanting to have an affair
- his dreams at night
- him switching jobs to one he didn't want but had higher pay
- being greedy
- him not mowing the lawn
- the kids getting eaten alive by mosquitos because he wanted the backyard (where they played) to be overgrown with grass and weeds
- not spring cleaning the house everyday to his and his mother's satisfaction (with no help either)
- not proving my love to him by letting him molest me in front of the kids
- not proving my love to him by refusing to give the kids affection (yeah, he demanded I do that)
- that he has to work
- that he had to watch the kids if I had to go shopping (those were my outings apparently)
- that the kids were loud when they played or laughed or made noises during the day
- that I stopped asking him for help after 8 years of him outright ignoring my calls for help (he didn't want to help me, he just wanted to hear me calling for him  )
- hitting him in the face until he stopped or I woke up, when he used to rape me in my sleep (Yes, I fought him off me while I was asleep)
- that the kids preferred me to him

Then after, during separation and ongoing divorce, I was blamed for
- being crazy
- being greedy
- him telling me he won't kill himself for me (yeah, I never asked for that!)
- the divorce
- keeping the kids from him and his family (he has supervised visitation but isn't doing anything with that, and his family is almost completely ignoring us. Except that one time they saw me buy a new chest freezer!)
- him not having any money
- him being a wife beater and rapist?! (He's the one calling himself that...)
- apparently I'm also guilty of cheating on him already because someday I might start dating again after the divorce!
- not trusting him
- not letting him take care of us (he's already tried to get out of paying child support and is currently trying to get us evicted and give our marital home to his parents so they can sue me and make sure me and the kids will have nothing for years to come!)
- that he cannot meet the kids needs even for half a day (forgets they need to eat)
- and his inability to take care of himself and be an adult with adult responsibilities

That's about all I can think of. I believe my list is VERY similar to most on here! 

I expect to be blamed for everything going wrong in his life at this point now.

[Misplacedenergy]

I got blamed for my uBPD/NPD boyfriends best friend and room mate ending his life.

I've been blamed for anything negative in the relationship.

I've been blamed for him neglecting the animals. (His animals at his place)

I'm blamed for moving 100 miles to be with him when I can't cope with his 3 animal's, two of which prone to aggression.

[Whiteheron]

Towards the end, he blamed me for his mental illness. He had eliminated all the other possibilities (in his mind). At the end, the only common factor still remaining was me. So I had to go. His thinking was that if he could just get rid of me, his mental issues would go away.

I am also responsible for his affair, that the kids aren't close to him like they are to me (therefore I am alienating him from them - yes, I know it's backwards).

These are just the big things. There were tons of small, everyday things that were my fault - a door ding on my car- means I didn't park far enough away from the store, therefore it was my fault someone else was careless or not paying attention, that DS was slow to speak - meant I was deliberately holding him back - a form of Munchhausen, according to him. There is so much more...

[looloo]

My ex Nhusband blamed me for:

Why he couldn't quit smoking
Why he never had career success
Why he struggled with depression (undiagnosed—does being a perennial ingrate mean that you have clinical depression?!?)
Why he was never satisfied sexually
Why he was never satisfied spiritually
Why his friends were so flaky

And of course, why our marriage ended.

[Sullenlady]

I haven't left yet (working my exit strategy) but I've been blamed for lots.
- Not being right with him when out with a group of friends
- Being shady bc my music tastes differ at times from his
- Preventing him from bathing for washing his favorite towel
- Causing my elderly cat to pee outside her pan
- Causing my dog to mark on his outside chair
- Being the sole source of his stress
- Causing problems for him by discussing my job
- Not listening to how I should do everything his way.
- Not liking exactly what he likes
- Not acting the way he thinks I should
- Lying about being at work, when I was in my car in the parking lot paying a bill on my phone
- Not knowing how to be a good wife
- Not being sexy enough because I don't wear nighties
- Not loving him bc I wanted to read a book on my day off
- Not going into detail about how much I love him in a note(left a note w his coffee saying I love you)

I could fill 500 pages of this nonsense.

Have no idea how I've been able to stay alive without him.  😂

[KFel024]

The most noteworthy one for me was being blamed as the crazy, unstable one.  At this point, I am convinced that, near the end of our relationship, my stbxnpd partner was provoking/tormenting/terrorizing me to the brink of insanity and then recording the aftermath.  I had no idea what was going on at the time and took the bait. 

The other notable one was for my anger, which did start manifesting itself overtime as I became more and more resentful towards her.  She mentioned on multiple occasions that I should attend anger management classes.  My response was usually something like I would go if you attend some as well and also that I was concerned they would simply recommend for me to remove myself from that environment and leave her.  I do take responsibility for my anger/actions and for staying in a toxic relationship.  I could have chosen to leave at any time.  Unfortunately, my heart and brain were not able to reconcile that one in my best interests.  Heart won out.

[findjoy81]

The most noteworthy one for me was being blamed as the crazy, unstable one.  At this point, I am convinced that, near the end of our relationship, my stbxnpd partner was provoking/tormenting/terrorizing me to the brink of insanity and then recording the aftermath.  I had no idea what was going on at the time and took the bait. 

I hate the baiting!!! I've been described as calm - like unnaturally calm - my whole life by family, co-workers, friends... one day he was just going after me and after me, and I was packing. I had a textbook in my hand and I threw it on the floor out of frustration and his response was about how much anger I have.