back and forth

[WheezyPenguin]

So I'm somewhere between NC and VVVLC right now with my uBPD mom.  I told her this spring that I needed time and distance for at least another couple months, after she asked to meet one-on-one in person meetings to "sort things out".  By which I assume she means get me to retract my boundaries that she blew up about.

Last week she texted me.  (I've paraphrased her messages for privacy, etc)

Her: Asks when we can meet.

Me: I'm not ready to meet.

Her: Asks if I'm even working on getting to a point where I'll be ready to meet, or if this is just a "tactic" to keep her at arm's length.

Me: I'm sorting things out at my own pace.  I don't have a time estimate, it'll take the time it takes.  If there's something urgent to discuss, I'm open to emailing.

Her: Says she loves me, and she can't imagine how hard I'm working.


Now that I'm looking at things more analytically, this exchange just gives me whiplash.  First the accusations of not even working on things (which, to be sure, she's not entirely wrong -- I *am* working on stuff but not with a goal of meeting her one on one, and I *don't* want to be emotionally closer to her), and then the "oh, you're working so hard, poor you" message.

I don't see how she gets from point A to point B with just my reply in between.   I'm realizing that my issues dealing with her are not that she's always horrible -- and I acknowledge that she's not -- it's that I never know which mother I'm going to get.  After I sent my latest reply to her, I spent some time in my journal writing down predictions of what she might say back.  Most of them were of the guilt-trippy, accusatory, "you're not getting in line fast enough" variety, with one pie-in-the-sky "Ok, take all the time you need" option.  I did not see her actual reply coming.

And no, she *can't* imagine how hard I'm working, because she doesn't know all the things that are going on in my life, and she has actively said she doesn't want to talk about the biggest one of those (which she does know about) because Bigotry.

[Xena]

Hi, Wheezy - I'm also VLC (maybe VVLC?) with my mom right now as well. Our situations are different, of course, but the need to reduce contact with a parent to VLC can make life difficult on many levels. You are taking time to sort things out and that is O.K. - I'd like to validate your choice as a logical one and I can appreciate that you aren't doing it out of spite but for self-care and to give yourself a break from the crazy-making.

I set boundaries with my mom several months ago based on her getting way, way too involved in my life (interfering with my job at my work, trying to turn my friends against me - all kinds of weird stuff). She said she did it for my own good and that she loves me. But is that true? I have found I can't go by what she writes or texts or even says. I have to assess my level of trust (which determines how much I let her into my life) based on what she actually does. What are her actions? After setting boundaries and holding her to them, I can see that she does not respect me or my boundaries and she absolutely resents me for enforcing them. She does all sorts of passive-aggressive behavior towards me now and has said lots of untrue things to my family to explain why I don't have as much contact with her as I used to. But, she still writes sentiments like "I love you and wish the best for you" (even today I got a text from her along those lines). 

I agree that these mixed messages do give you whiplash.  Also, your statement "I never know which mother I'm going to get." jumps out at me as important. How can you forge an emotionally close relationship under those conditions? I would argue that it would be very, very difficult to do. So again, your instincts line up with the reality of the situation.  Hang in there - hugs to you as you work through all of this.

[Brooke]

I'm realizing that my issues dealing with her are not that she's always horrible -- and I acknowledge that she's not -- it's that I never know which mother I'm going to get.

Yes, yes, yes! This is my issue with both of my parents. I feel like screaming "just pick a personality and go with it!" It's just crazy-making!! 

It's so hard to stick to our boundaries when they're being lovely, isn't it??