I have a hard time just being happy and enjoying life

[Maxtrem]

Hi everyone!

I've been thinking about this for a while and would love to hear your opinion or if anyone has experienced this.

I don't know if I'm posting in the right section of the forum either, but it's related to an effect of the psychological abuse of my uBPDm for a long time. 

With my awareness I realize more and more that I live my life on a neutral form. It's hard to put into words, but I'm having a hard time just being happy. I feel more and more that my life is bland/gray. I see in my daily life my girlfriend who lives happiness for many small pleasant things, but for me it is more difficult and I find that really unfortunate. I live and feel joy, but it is usually momentary.

I talked to my psychologist about it a few weeks ago and he told me that it can happen when a child is psychologically abused over a long periode of time. It would be a form of adaptation mechanism of the brain. The brain would filter the emotions so that it could limit the impact of the repetitive abuse. The problem is that both good and bad emotions are filtered and attenuated and by dint of being filtered there is not much left. Unfortunately the psychologist didn't really have any solutions for me (I would like to mention that I don't have a diagnosed depression and this has been verified several times in the past years by doctors).

However, there are a lot of interesting things going on in my life right now. I have a happy relationship, my girlfriend is pregnant and so far so good with the pregnancy (I am very grateful for that), I am successful professionally, I am respected in my field. And yet I have difficulty being just happy, at least for a long time and not just momentarily.

I thought for a long time that it was in my personality, but I think that my psychologist is right it's more the result of being raised by a uBPDm.

Have any of you ever experienced this? Have you managed to live a real happiness and simply enjoy life?

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'll be watching this topic with interest.

I suspect for me it has a lot to do with those inner and outer critics getting in the way. Every good thing automatically has the, "Yeah, but..." saboteur attached to it still. If something is good, it's not good enough. Or it won't last. Or somebody else's is better. Or I don't deserve it. I haven't yet learned to simply be grateful.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hey Maxtrem,

Nice to meet you. Your post got me thinking, what is happiness? Here's one article and definition:

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/happiness/definition

Maybe that definition helps you to explore happiness and which parts of it you're seeking more of.

For me, this definition is missing something. Happiness - it's also a feeling of safety - that it is safe to feel joyful, and it requires me to hold the belief that the future also contains moments of safety and joy. (after parental trauma, this is a belief that comes and goes, but thankfully, over time, and with recovery, it does come up more often these days).

For me, as a survivor of parental narc abuse, happiness was hard to feel unless I was doing something. Feeling happy with smaller things in life, feeling life's joys, was much much harder. Elusive for a long time. Like you describe how you see your girlfriend feeling joy at small wonders when you feel you don't have that same experience going on inside for you.

What happens to you after you do feel joyful about something? Do you feel peaceful? Do you feel sad, guilty, numb? Just curious as to which emotions you think might be attached to your experiences of joy when they come.

For a lot of us, feeling happy was met with suspicion by our parents growing up, so some of us were left with a lot of doubt or shame or fear around how 'safe' it is to explore that which brings us joy.

I agree with what your psychologist said - it's pretty well known now that trauma / emotional abuse re-wires the brain. Hopefully he has a plan for how to help you with this over the next while?

Pete Walker is someone we mention here from time to time - his book from Surviving to Thriving has helped many of us with getting Out of the FOG. He has a book called "The Tao of fully feeling". I have not read it but Surviving to Thriving was instrumental in my healing work.

Your post reminded me that I want to get that book as I want to see what he has written about feeling happiness. Looking forward to what others share here about this important topic. Thanks for posting your questions.

Trees

[Liketheducks]

I think I posted something similar a few days ago - under Working on Us.      I had done so much therapy....so much work.   Thought I was golden.   Then my husband had an affair and it triggered all the old stuff back into play.   I really want to be happy again, but it is taking quite a lot of work.   

I'm trying to practice gratitudes.   Feeling happy brings on a fear for what will happen when the other shoes drops.    Hang in there.  You're in the right place and kudos for getting into therapy.   

My grandmother used to do this thing that I used to call the flora and fauna report.   She had a lot of trauma in her life, as well.   SA, PA, Narc husband, etc.     When things would get rough, she'd tell me about her flower garden and birds.   It took me to middle age to realize that she was trying hard to focus on the positives in her life.   

[Granny May]

I understand Maxtrem.  I also think that when we've spent our childhoods in a state of (probably constant) trauma it is very hard to trust when our lives 'ought to feel' happy.  Sometimes I will get a feeling of peace and happiness just wash over me, and within seconds I feel afraid of what is going to come and smack me down in the near future.  Obviously that has happened sometimes, because life isn't a smooth journey.  People say it would be boring if life was smooth, but I could sure settle for some boredom.  I'm guessing you'd be the same.

I hope that you can build confidence as time passes, and it sounds as if you have a beautiful role model in your girlfriend.  I hope you can literally watch her and learn how to do it.  I've been doing that with my husband.  He's such a bouncy person who believes the best of every person and situation.  It's taken time, I won't lie, but I'm almost always facing the forward journey and can see that I'm making progress.  It sounds to me as if you want healing and that's a truly major step in the right direction.  I promise you, you're on your way, just by your willingness alone.

[Psuedonym]

Hey there, Maxtrem! I just saw this amazing video and thought of your post. It explains a great deal about what you describe: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnkK5m2UNeM

[Hattie]

That sounds like dissociation. I also have a uBPDm and do this. What helps is grounding practices that bring you into the present moment and help you feel save and alive. Meditation and yoga can be good. Also simple physical tasks that are soothing such as going for a walk or gardening.

I've also found it helpful to go to a trauma informed therapist who can help with emotional dysregulation and numbing. Not all mental health professionals are trained in that. I also had experiences of being told I was dissociating, with no real solution offered, until I found my current therapist who specialises in childhood trauma.

You definitely can learn to dissociate and numb out less. I have. Good luck

[Jolie40]

I've always read that people are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Children bring a lot of joy into our lives.
When your little one gets here, enjoy them.
One day when you're at the playground, they'll laugh as you push them on the swings. As you smile at them, you'll realize you're happy.

Play is how children learn. It's fun to play with kids! I had SO much fun finger painting, playing with playdoh, going to every playground around when child was a toddler. Kids laugh at everything & one can't help but laugh with your child.

[olivegirl]

The need to be hypervigilant in order to survive the chaos generated by my covert sociopath mother and smug Npd father prevented feeling happiness. 

I always felt that my toxic parents were deeply jealous of me and looking to sabotage my relationships.

I couldn't fully enjoy my wedding nor the births of my babies because my parents were too busy badmouthing me to my in-laws and others.

I was in a constant state of fear that they would ruin my marriage and destroy my sanity.

And yet I felt paranoid because my parents assured me they loved me to my face.  They told me I was imagining it.

Still I had feelings of anxiety and my gut feelings were true.  Sure enough, people made it known to me that my parents repeatedly enjoy backstabbing me.

So what is happiness?  Am I going insane?  Even now, I don't feel safe letting my guard completely down.  I will always function on some level of anxiety. 

For now, happiness for me is the absence of danger. 

I feel safer and stronger every day that I am NC.

But yeah easy happiness is elusive for me too. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's very insightful that hyper-vigilance precludes happiness. I think that piece could explain a lot of things about how I find it difficult to relax and be happy in relationships (when will things get rocky?), my work (Can't mess up, it'll be horrible!), just life in general.

[Pepin]

I've always read that people are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Children bring a lot of joy into our lives.
When your little one gets here, enjoy them.
One day when you're at the playground, they'll laugh as you push them on the swings. As you smile at them, you'll realize you're happy.

Play is how children learn. It's fun to play with kids! I had SO much fun finger painting, playing with playdoh, going to every playground around when child was a toddler. Kids laugh at everything & one can't help but laugh with your child.

As a parent of adult children, I would have to agree with this.  For me, having children gave me the opportunity to reparent myself and explore my inner child.  I truly enjoyed raising my children.  It was and continues to be wonderful.  That I am able to give them what I didn't have and needed does bring me a ton of joy -- and happy tears. 

I wish I could say it was always easy...if CN MIL hadn't taken up so much room in our lives, it would have been better.  But overall, as a parent, I achieved what I set out to do...

But yeah.....like you, I am lacking in the happiness department.  I was on antidepressants for a number of years as a young mother only to help cope (also therapy) with the beginning of understanding DH's enmeshment with his mother.  Now that she is gone we have to rebuild what we were supposed to be working on all along.  My happiness levels are down as we work through this...and I am possibly considering antidepressants again along with therapy.  I can't undo the past....I know....my entire life has been spent in a state of vigilance and while I think I should be reasonably safe -- I am not so sure about that with regards to DH.  When we are apart I feel free and fantastic.....don't really miss him.  And I also am happy.  When he is around I feel as though I am just going through the motions of surviving.  He betrayed our marriage with his mother.  So eh......I am just so tired of living like this. 

[NarcKiddo]

This resonates with me.

I have just finished reading "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk and thoroughly recommend it to anyone who has PD parents.