Losing Enthusiasm Because of Toxic Comments

[j.banquo]

I'm currently living with my elderly unBPD mother.

I told her I was going on a trip for a week, and was about to plan it. I was really looking forward to it. It's partly for fun, partly a writing project, not that that should matter.

She acted like I'd told her something horrible had happened, asked me all these questions about why I was doing it, and why I didn't do something else after I gave her my reasons, which I know I shouldn't have but I felt like I really had to.

I've booked the trip anyway, but since that interaction I've felt no enthusiasm about it, feel guilt for doing it, think I'm stupid for wanting to do my writing with the locations, and just can't reconnect to that feeling of enthusiasm and like I had faith in my decision making process and intellect and judgment.

Any advice on how to get that back, or is this just the predictable and unavoidable result of this kind of treatment? I know I don't have a strong ego or sense of self right now, I'm not good at self validating either...

[Queenfrog]

I feel your pain here. I am so sorry you are feeling bad about your trip, and so glad you went ahead and booked it.

My PD spouse tries to talk me out of almost every trip and social occasion, so often I am feeling bad when I depart the house for something like that. And then it's in the back of my mind. We know our joy should be independent of what another person says or thinks, but their toxic comments place a cloud over everything. In order not to feel that, you have to get all stubborn and devil-may-care, which feels childish sometimes. I don't know, but I think all we can do is follow through with our plans and try our best to shake off their comments. Even if our decision turns out to be wrong, that's just living! Staying home and catering to that toxic person all the time is not the answer, that's for sure.

This may be a good example of why avoiding JADE is so important. (It's my new religion, I guess.) Maybe try writing more extensively about this episode and your feelings?

I hope you enjoy your trip and the break from your mother.

[Invisiblewoman]

I think I learned a natural and annoying way of deflecting backhanded and nasty comments. I often just feel pity and I know deep down inside they hate pity because they know that's what they evoke out of me. That gave me power. I also have a tendency to make jokes which infuriates the hell out of them.

It took me a while too at figuring out boundaries and using certain emotional responses to shut them down .

There is a saying, "smile, nod and do whatever the f**K you were going to do anyway.

I know it's hard because their sense of ego and self is so fractured you can't avoid setting them off, and they will go so far out of the way to make you responsible for everything they do.

One relative used to try to say things to provoke reactions, and create drama cycles with others with me as a target. I laughed at one of their attempts because it was just so disrespectful.

My laughing off their behaviour, spawned a fuming grudge that lasted months and ended with them trying to make me look like a baaad person.

Every reaction was so over the top, when I was done, I literally laughed because how badly they played themselves. I just didn't come at them with the same energy at all.

Like I am just going to go to my own corner if they can't take accountability for their actions. And that's all you can do. Or respond slowly. If they're raging be as gentle as possible because it's likely they want to get you to rage back at them.

If they're fishing for a reaction try not to feed them at all, or be so boring they can't use your reaction as fuel.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I started saying, "Mom, are you TRYING to ruin this for me?" Egg all over her face and oh no, no, no. But the game was up. She'd lost her power for that tactic. I was able to feel true and justified anger at her, probably for the first time in my life. I didn't express it, but it was there and it was protecting me. She still tried to sabotage my plans, but I no longer took on her malice. I didn't understand why she was doing it still, but it was clear it was her issue not mine. I think it's pretty clear your feelings are not coming from a genuine place within yourself. I was raised to rate my parents' feelings as paramount and my own as not even existing. I suspect you are similar. So if mother ain't happy you can't be, either.

One notable time near the end (before NC) I was counting on her to babysit. I had an event in her town. She dramatically begged off for a lame reason she just HAD to accept extra shifts at work and, "I'm so sorry it's just not meant to be." She 100% expected me to just cancel. I was angry, not defeated. This was important to me.

I called up an old high school friend, found another sitter, in her town, and did the thing anyway.

Turned out she ended up not being even scheduled during my event, but, "Thank goodness you have a sitter. I really need this time to CLEAN OUT THE BASEMENT." I kid you not. The basement was a hoardfest and is the work of months, not a Saturday. And certainly not urgent. But whatever, you do you, mom. My sitter actually played with my kid, not stuck him in front of the tv all day like she would have done. She had made it clear that she was never going to offer me any support or genuine care. She sabotaged my business on that trip, too. Your mom has shown you she is not on your side, either. Normal people would be excited for you and want you to have a good experience. If your mom has BPD, I wonder if she's making it all about her fear of abandonment and you leaving for any reason is just unacceptable to her.

But whatever is going on with your mom... You have a writing project involving a fun trip? That's really cool. You are probably an intelligent, interesting, and creative person, with more sense of self than you feel you have at times. I hope you recover from the emotional fallout here in time to enjoy your trip after all. Doing good things for yourself can go a long way toward healing.

[escapingman]

Enjoy your trip, so glad you went a head and booked it.

My ex wife always tried to ruin anything I was excited about and any fun I had. Towards the end I stopped telling her anything I was excited about and pretended that everything I liked was a chore. If I went somewhere and genuinely had the time of my life, I told her that it was a really bad trip and that I didn't enjoy it - that stopped her from asking anything about it as she already thought I had a bad time so she could not ruin it.

[j.banquo]

Thanks to everyone for their replies.

We know our joy should be independent of what another person says or thinks, but their toxic comments place a cloud over everything.

Thank you for validating this, Queenfrog. Toxic comments do what they do! And I never remember about JADE, I have to get better at that.

If they're fishing for a reaction try not to feed them at all, or be so boring they can't use your reaction as fuel.

Great advice, Invisiblewoman, thank you.

Normal people would be excited for you and want you to have a good experience. If your mom has BPD, I wonder if she's making it all about her fear of abandonment and you leaving for any reason is just unacceptable to her.

First of all, I cannot believe your mother did that to you with the babysitting. That's good advice about what normal people would feel, and I do thankfully have people in my life who are excited and feel good about my decisions. I really do think she has BPD, my therapist thinks she has BPD, and she has done some awfully, awfully harmful things to me when she felt abandoned. I do think she fears it, she acted weird when I was about to leave for college too, crossing boundaries, demanding things, being cold...

If I went somewhere and genuinely had the time of my life, I told her that it was a really bad trip and that I didn't enjoy it - that stopped her from asking anything about it as she already thought I had a bad time so she could not ruin it.

First off thanks for the encouragement! I like the strategy you used, I don't think I could do it because I'd feel like I was lying. But I do have to get over feeling guilt for not sharing aspects of my life with her, when she frankly does not deserve it, and can't be trusted with it, and is not a wholly safe person.