I'm new too

[Ruby Suzy]

Hi everyone

I'm new here and I stumbled upon this forum from a YouTube video on parental narcissism and scapegoating the empath child.

 I'm the adult empath child. Very sensitive and I see the truth in front of my eyes, I don't go into denial.

I've been estranged from my whole family of origin for years, all 5 members. Mostly all narcissists.

I've been struggling with mental health for the last year because my job traumatised me (a Carer for dementia clients - I lost 3 clients at the same time, I've client traumatised me badly and gave me flashbacks of my mother abusing me . So I lost mostly all of my clients/friends, plus my main income streams) so I haven't been able to work since January 2023.

 I hit an all time low last July because I was forced to take a professional person to court (I'm a landlord) because he was fleecing me and used intimidation and bullying tactics.

I also had my best friend lose what was left of his fragile sanity in a stressful nervous breakdown in front of my eyes in a busy airport, all the time blaming me (it was his workaholicism that broke him) but because he's high-functioning Asperger's, he blames everyone else for his problems and never takes responsibility for his problems. So now I've lost him as a (very needy) friend. But, He was the closest thing I had to 'family' and because I'd put all my eggs in one basket by having just one dysfunctional friend, losing him left me completely alone and feeling desperately abandoned, regressed to a helpless child, and depressed, hence the all-time low. I'm single, no kids, I'm 50.

The biggest wound is my  narcissistic mother. She was evil to me for 18 years because she was so jealous when I spoke to my dad, she'd have a tantrum and chuck me out the house. My father pandered to get every whim and hated me for 'upsetting' her. For the rest of her Life she emotionally abused me and was happy hearing that she made me completely suicidal at age 16.

Back to Now,  I'm on a 12 step support programme for adult children of dysfunctional families. They're Free and as they're on zoom and face to face in most cities around the world, I join at least one every day. I have a sponsor supporting me. I'm looking for emdr therapist. I try to go to yoga and Pilates classes every day to help with my Complex Trauma and anxiety and depression. I'm on low dose of meds.  I've made two caring friends from church. I pray to God.

But I can't work and I'm so exausted from being bullied and taking this managing agent to court, it's been more than a full time job answering all the solicitors emails, working to deadlines, so stressful and expensive and time consuming. It took up all my head space for 2 years with worry and insomnia because I felt trapped. Until I found support.

I'm now rid of the crook, but I've lost thousands of pounds and now I have to evict the tenant and sell the flat. I need to buy myself my own property to live in.

Things are so unstable, I yearn for continuity and stability. I'm renting a house and two years ago I was evicted from my previous place because the landlords were selling. As a renter, you have no control over how long you live in a house, you keep getting chucked out with only 2 months warning which is never enough to find a new place to live.

I'm just so utterly physically and emotionally exhausted  from all the trauma I've been through on my own (with little support) in such a short time. My body's in freeze mode because it's shut down.

I do meditation, breath work, prayer, yoga, walks in the forest, clean eating etc but I'm still crying a lot about how weak I feel, as a result of my mother's extreme narcissism.

It's the first time I've started grieving and feeling my anger from her abuse. I need to vent the hatred because I keep crying but it's going to take the rest of my life to cry out my anger. I need to do physical things to get rid of it as well as find an EMDR therapist.

I need to feel seen and heard on this forum.

Thanks

[Defiantdaughter1]

Welcome, Ruby. It's a hard life growing up with a dysfunctional parent. I hate that you had to endure traumatic situations later in life. Trauma recovery therapy might be helpful for you.

[bloomie]

Hi Ruby Suzy. Adding another warm welcome to you. What a difficult road you have been traveling. You are getting support and help, taking good care of yourself and making your way forward. I am thankful you have reached out to this community and hope you will find it another spoke on the wheel of your recovery and healing.

There are great resources at the drop down menus above, other online resources, book recommendations and then the wonderful conversations taking place all over the forum boards. When you are ready, join in!

[Invisiblewoman]

As the more sensitive child of my family I can relate to the games they play and how they tried to label me a trouble maker for talking about the abuse.

Mother was pretty narcissistic along with my brother and what seems to be an aunt.

[Ruby Suzy]

Thanks for your support and understanding.

I'm taking loads of herbal vitamins and minerals, so my mind is very sharp but my body is very exausted. I'm easily irritated, headaches, sleepy, impatient and have ringing in the ears today. Cortisol levels have been too high for years. Just want to sleep my life away.

Tempted to book a holiday but airports stress me out (crowds), and I just want to be alone in a forest in nature with no human noise, just birdsong and God and stroking my special-needs gorgeous cat. To use mindfulness and not to worry or be anxious.

I'm coming out of a stressful court case where a professional person intimidated and bullied me and stole loads of money. It's cost more money to pay solicitors, but at least I got my property back, which was the goal. I'm so exausted from the stress and depression and uncertainty of that episode, I want to sleep for a year and walk away from all my responsibilities.

I went through it on my own, like I've done anything in life, and one of my 'friends' made it more stressful by blaming me for the illegal things this guy did, so I walked away from that 'friend'. All I can do is breathe and be grateful for God and for what I have in life. I'm stuck in freeze mode so I will go to some of my support meetings for Adult children of dysfunctional (ie shit) parents (narcissistic mother has ruined her husband's and all her children's lives emotionally).

Any more support is very, VERY welcome, Suzy x

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh! That all sounds awful. I am so glad you have the online 12 steps and this forum. Hopefully you will find a place to calm down.