Just needing some support

[Dumbblonde108]

Hi I came across this forum coz I'm looking for some advice on how to recover/heal from a toxic relationship with a narcissist. Like most people I could write a book on what happened etc but I will try to keep it short.
So 3 years ago I was married, husband was a recovering alcoholic, basically leading seperate lives. I was fed up, lonely etc. Out of the blue an ex messaged me, we got chatting and boom I was besotted again. A two year affair began. He also had a partner. Long story short, it would devastate me and my whole life. The lies, the betrayal, the realisation that he was a fake etc absolutely crushed me and I cannot stop thinking about everything he done/that I allowed him to do. I left my husband amidst all this, he never left her. It was a mixture of fleeting great times and a living hell. I didn't want to be his bit on the side and so many times I tried to end it, he kept coming back and I let him, I was reeled in every time by by the lies and the manipulation. Anyway eventually I did end it, I was making myself ill. Then after 10 months he was back, so convincing and apologetic, I took him back. I never wanted to end it but he had hurt me so much, I thought I loved this guy so when he came back I was desparate for it to work. Alas same old story repeated itself. By this time I had became more aware of what a narc was, what they done etc so I was coming out the fog so to speak. I started asserting myself, making more demands etc and then he flipped - the big discard. So cold, nasty and making out I wouldn't leave HIM alone ! It's been 6 months since then, no contact, blocked etc but he's still in my head every day and it's torture. I left him in no uncertain terms that I knew exactly what he was and how toxic he was, how sick in the head he was and that only a depraved mind would do everything he did for fun, ruin lives to get his kicks. I DO NOT want this guy back ever, but I can't get rid of the feelings of hatred for him and the need for revenge. He played me for an absolute fool. I never saw myself as weak or a doormat but I was with him. I never thought I had low self esteem, but I clearly do. I'm terrified of a new relationship incase I attract the same type again. He broke my heart, and I meant absolutely nothing to him. The hard part is accepting he was a fake and he deliberately set out to hurt me, that just messes with my head every single day. I'm at a loss how to get him out my head. I am obsessed with the fact he played me, got one over on me big time while he went back to his partner and his life is seemingly unaffected while mines is damaged beyond belief. I was seeing a therapist as I couldn't deal with the guilt of what I'd done to my husband and the anger I feel towards the narc. However that is now on hold due to isolation. I just feel very alone in the world, and I really just want my old self back, I want him gone from my mind and to feel content and peaceful again but I don't know how. I try to keep busy but he's always the lurking. I know he probably doesn't even give me a second thought and he's still winning by being in my head. I guess I just would like some advice/support. If you've read this far, thankyou and I'd love if anyone could reply. I see a lot of posts with many views but not many replies. So I'd be grateful if anyone can reach out and help me deal with this. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group-

i am so sorry you are still in the thick of it in your head with him even though you broke up.  i had a lot of that push/ pull back and forth with my ex, the only thing that was different in my experience is that i was trying to  date someone with marriage in mind when  i should have hit it and quit it with him as the flags were there but i was a combo of not experienced and FOGGED from how i grew up so i totally understand.

i hope that by reading and posting here you can start getting his voice out of your head.  for me that process took a while, because i was still dealing with the voice of my biological mother in my head too.

some areas of the forum to check out that may help .  also, i think you are far from dumb as you are seeking out information and help to get through this- so if you want to change your user name here's how easy it is-

Toolbox 
the part about FLEAS and JADE really helped me a lot-

Separating and Divorcing
even though you are broken up already, reading and posting here may help you see the commonalities we've experienced in a PD/ uPD relationship and help you work on that voice.

if you want to change your name
How do I change my member name?

You can change your member name by going to Profile->Account Settings and changing the "Name" Field. Note that you will still use your original name to log in to the forum.

hope to see you on the boards soon-

[Dumbblonde108]

Thank you so much for your reply ! The user names comes from how I'm feeling right now - so, so dumb to have been taken in for so long. The red flags were right under my nose from day one, I just had no idea who/what kind of person I was dealing with. I've read up on so much now that it's actually embarrassing how easily manipulated I was. I didn't know what a narcissist was, red flags, all those terms associated with their disorder - I was clueless that such people existed, never mind being involved with one. I feel embarrassed, ashamed and angry, so, so angry. I was dumb for so long, however my logic brain tells me I'm not that dumb, I realised eventually what was happening and now he definitely knows that I know - that's why he's scurried away without a second glance, he knows his days of lying and manipulating me are gone. I suppose that should please me, does that mean he knows I'm not the easy weak piece of meat he thought I was - or maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part. I'm still at the part of the story where I want him to see how much happier and better off I am without him in my life. But I also know I shouldn't even care and that I should be doing it for me, he shouldn't even be relevant. See ? I'm all over the place with my thinking. It's scary.

[Starboard Song]

A two year affair began. He also had a partner. .... I left my husband amidst all this, he never left her. It was a mixture of fleeting great times and a living hell.

I started asserting myself, making more demands etc and then he flipped - the big discard... It's been 6 months since then, no contact, blocked etc but he's still in my head every day and it's torture....

I know he probably doesn't even give me a second thought and he's still winning by being in my head. I guess I just would like some advice/support.

DB,

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Cards on the table: this is out of my league. I confess that I have an outstanding relationship with my DW, and so I feel a little silly even responding. But I quoted the parts of yourpost I found salient, and wanted to comment upon. I am here because of my in-laws, with whom we've not had significant contact in 4 years, and none in 2 years.

Like you, we felt that we kept giving and they never reciprocated. Over the years we'd often accomodated weird and outrageous demands from my likely BPD MIL. Whenever things got too hot, my FIL would slide in with a letter full of emotional blackmail, and we'd try again and accomodate enough to slide over the shoal water.

Like you, there came a crisis involving a third party whom we couldn't let down, and so we had to make and keep a stand. And -- since we couldn't accomodate MIL -- we got the discard. It took a few months for it to turn to NC. But our NC was only a reply to a big discard. So we do understand the pain of rejection, and I want you to know that you can recover.

Like you, I think about these people way more than I like to admit. I too agonize. I feel guilt. I want to argue. I seek vindication. And I too wonder how I can get the peace that I fear they may have. And yes: it is like they won some kind of game.

I want to share something I've noticed. When I am busy doing good things for good people, I can go for days without thinking about them. When I am stressed, or worried about my own parents' health, or my job, I agonize and argue in my head for literally hours a day.

Imagine a world where you no longer think about the scars. What does it take? What would fulfill you enough now to let go of the then? This is your Welcome Mat post, so I know you'll do a lot more reading, and I know specific answers take a long time to develop. But consider that little thought experiment. And realize you are a good and valuable and decent person, just trying to do the next good thing.

I highly recommend the reading in the top line of my signature, which is all about self care and healing.

Be good. Be strong.

[Maxtrem]

Hello, my narcissistic uncle's ex-wife went through something similar a long time ago. My uncle, in addition to being continually unpleasant, pretending to be better than everyone else, being an eternal victim, an alcoholic, a compulsive gambler, a liar... had after many years of marriage started to cheat on his wife and to be violent. On top of that, he was constantly stealing money from her! She gave him many chances for many years until she divorced him. It was very difficult for her, she went to therapy, she went to support groups and today she is very happy. In retrospect, it is contempt she feels for my uncle.

I agree with you that life can seem unfair because for your ex, there doesn't seem to be any consequences. My uncle after his divorce remarried a woman who supported him and even took care of him when he became very sick with a heart attack. He even tried to steal from my grandmother who was cognitively impaired. At first glance, he never had any consequences for his actions, but he was never fundamentally happy! His second wife stayed with him out of obligation, his children didn't like him, one went to live on another continent just to get away from him and another one even said I don't think I love my father. After his death, no one misses him for who he was. The only feelings they leave behind are related to the FOG.

Good luck, there is hope

[PeanutButter]

I dont come to the forum daily any more, so my post is 'late'.
Blonde108, welcome to the group. I am so glad you shared your story.
I have experiences that seem similar. The particulars I have not ever shared here before. I have been and continue to be ashamed of myself for what I am about to say I did.
Before I start, Thank You Blonde108 for showing me what courage it requires to talk about.
My unpdxH abused me in every way there is to be abused. I was unhappily married to him for 7 years. During the last 2-3 years I carried on an affair. BACKSTORY This man I had known as 'friend' since the 8th grade. I knew back then he crushed on me, but didnt reciporcate. I was reconnected with him when I was just out of high school. He was 'all grown up' and I was now attractted to him. He had a gf and I had a bf (unpdxH) so nothing happened but we flirted alot.
A few more years later, Im married to unpdxH we have our first child. FAP (future affair partner) is living with his gf now and they have a child the same age (toddlers). He calls my best friend asking her to call me to ask if he could call me. I didnt even hesitate. I felt like he was something I had missed out on. 
It was a whirl whind from there. Several months went by. We talked on the phone for hours every day. We saw each other regurarly.
I ended up leaving my unpdxH after a paricularly bad fight on my birthday. He dragged me by my hair and back handed my repeatedly in the chin. He also got out a gun and threatened to shoot family members who might try to 'rescue me'. He ripped the phone out of the wall, took my car keys and left me stranded with no money for diapers.
My best friend helped me get out while he was at work the next morning.
I did not want to be the reason for my AP and his gf breaking up. I encouraged him to continue the secrecy. But eventually they had a massive fight and she left telling him he would never see his son again.
This is when the lights went out of our relationship. Confusion, manipulation, lies, jealousy, and obsession consumed us. Even though I was aware his and her relationship being toxic like this I thought it was all her doing and that it would be different with him and I.
Then he abruptly ghosted me for a week. I was blindsided. When he called again he was back together with his gf. He was going to try to be faithful to her. I was devastated. But days later he wanted to see me again. 
I eventually went back to my unpdxH one last time. AP and I continued to see each other at his whim. Then I became pregnant with my unpdxH and I's second child. I told AP and that was the last time I spoke to him. He married his gf.
I left my unpdxH for the last time.
For years I chose to continue to believe the words AP  told me instead of looking at what his actions said about him. The truth is he used me to feed his ego. Even if he really believed he was in love with me, his 'love' was not real love.
I am now remarried to the man of my dreams. The love he has given me is the first time I have experienced real love.
Ive dug deep to realize I had little to no self esteem back then. Deep down I didnt believe i deserved any better than what I was settling for. I also didnt know what love felt or looked like because of my abusive childhood.
I hope you keep comimg back. You did not deserve to be hurt. You can heal and move on. It will probably take longer than you want it too though. 

[Luna83]

Hi there,
I'm so sorry that you have had to go through all this. But please realise that it's a big thing to see that you have been duped by a narcissist. Also, that is not your fault! What you have to do now is forgive yourself. Victims tend to think that we 'allowed this to happen', but we didn't at all, we had the wool pulled over our eyes very slowly, so slowly that we barely noticed. Do not beat yourself up because of it. You are not to blame. Once you forgive yourself, you will let go of that anger, and the mental torment you are putting yourself through will start to fade away. It's a tough journey and healing will take time. But you can't do that if you're angry with yourself.
Quite frankly, if a person can treat you like that, they aren't worth a single thought. Focus your thoughts on you and you only whilst you heal.