Standing at a crossroads

[musttryharder]

My wife exhibits NPD characteristics, and the last two years have been rough for me. Since I started learned about emotional abuse, I've noticed signs that I missed throughout the relationship (much longer than two years), not that it helps much.

Moving on to the present, we are living together and she cooks while I clean. We share the same couch at night and the same bed because we only have one. We don't touch each other and we don't do anything together. She's not interested in my thoughts and feelings. I don't feel I can confide in her, and she has a mocking or condescending tone regarding any of my goals. No matter how you look at it, this isn't a relationship. That's one thing that can't be misinterpreted.

I've been taking steps to get away, even going as far as applying for jobs in my home country (unsuccessfully so far). Unfortunately when I get involved in the idea of leaving, the doubts creep in. I live in a beautiful area (I'm an outdoors person) and I'm starting to bond with my wife's dog. I'm alone except for him. Is it worth staying for?

I suspect this is the FOG in my mind. There are always going to be parts of a life that would be missed (unless it's jails or something like that), and the unknown (in this case, changing my entire life) is terrifying.  The thing is, the unknown could bring a 'normal' partner and a happy life.

On top of that, the clock is ticking. I'm not going to be 'young' much longer. My relatives in my home county (whom my wife doesn't want to visit) aren't going to be around for many more years. I have the chance to restart a career if I start now. I have the chance to visit the places I want to see with a best friend and lover while I'm in athletic shape. If I stay, those opportunities will pass.

(link to original post here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=78222.0)

[coyote]

musttryharder,
Change can always be scary, even when change is for the better. It's easier to stay with the port we know than to go toward unknown waters. I've always liked this quote from Mark Twain though,

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

So if you "suspect it is FOG in your mind" then it probably is. I'm not telling you what to do, just saying you can do whatever you want. Wishing you peace and strength as you continue on your journey.

[musttryharder]

Thanks, Coyote. I appreciate your thoughts. Sometimes I feel excited about taking a leap into the unknown, and then I seem to sabotage myself with the FOG. My oldest friend (the only person I've told) thinks I should go. I should listen to my instincts too.