What does he want me to say?

[p123]

EVERY single phone call for I'd say since xmas has started with "Dad - hi how are you?"
The reply is then "Really struggling, my legs are painful".

I just answer "yeh" but how many times do I have to hear the same thing? This is the guy who takes half the amount of painkillers that the doctor told him to because one of his friends said he'd get addicted to them. I honestly, do not care if his legs hurt- hes an adult hes been given advice. Moaning to me won't fix the situation.

Right to just say "yeh"?

[wisingup]

p123 - I might ask "What are you doing about it?"

[NarcKiddo]

You could always try not asking how he is.

I mean, he'll surely tell you at some point, but doing the same thing repeatedly ("Hi Dad, how are you") and expecting a different result is somewhat short-sighted.

Either suck up the initial chit chat  and say "yeh" as you do (using observe, don't absorb when he says the same thing yet again) or maybe try an approach more like "Hi Dad. I'm ringing because..." and then tell him that. Get the business out of the way and when he starts going on about his leg you can end the call. "Oh dear, that's a shame. Gotta go. Bye."

It is infuriating but he will not change. He.will.not.change. If you want something different you have to do something different. That could be changing the topic of conversation or it could be changing your attitude towards it.

[p123]

p123 - I might ask "What are you doing about it?"

You mean in terms of getting him to stop - nothing.

[p123]

You could always try not asking how he is.

I mean, he'll surely tell you at some point, but doing the same thing repeatedly ("Hi Dad, how are you") and expecting a different result is somewhat short-sighted.

Either suck up the initial chit chat  and say "yeh" as you do (using observe, don't absorb when he says the same thing yet again) or maybe try an approach more like "Hi Dad. I'm ringing because..." and then tell him that. Get the business out of the way and when he starts going on about his leg you can end the call. "Oh dear, that's a shame. Gotta go. Bye."

It is infuriating but he will not change. He.will.not.change. If you want something different you have to do something different. That could be changing the topic of conversation or it could be changing your attitude towards it.

To be honest, its just like a "hello" more than anything and hes off.

I've tried just phoning and saying "Hi",. Same he just starts up on the same subject.

I guess I'll just have to continue to ignore....

[Andeza]

With normal people an open conversation is the norm and it's not a minefield of "Woe is me." Not so with many PDs. Try opening with "Hey, dad, did you see the match between x and x on Saturday? What did you think about it?" The only way to limit the griping to some degree is to control the conversation. Is it a pleasant chat? Not really. But it limits the never-ending negativity to some degree. But be warned, you need to have a series of talking points to which you steer him every time he starts to derail on moaning. This means you can only talk for about 10 minutes max before his need to gripe is going to railroad the convo no matter how much you redirect. He'll just, at some point, start talking over you. That's my experience anyway.

[FromTheSwamp]

p123 - I might ask "What are you doing about it?"

You mean in terms of getting him to stop - nothing.

I read this as suggesting asking your dad what he's going to do about it. 
I learned to lob "what does your doctor say" or "your doctor is the one who can help you with that" back to my mom when she'd start on the medical complaints. 

"Oh, my legs!"
"That's too bad"
"Oh, my legs!"
"You should bring that up with your doctor"

She'd be completely unsatisfied by this, but I learned to be okay with that

[Sneezy]

Just saying "yeh" and changing the subject is a great medium chill response. If you're feeling a bit feisty, you could say "Well of course your legs hurt, most people who don't follow their doctors orders are in pain." That's not likely to get you anywhere, though. Although it would get you automatically admitted to The Bad Daughters (and Sons) Club, and the last I heard someone is bringing snacks 

[wisingup]

FromTheSwamp - yes, that is what I meant.  But I like Sneezy's suggestion better - if you're not following doctor's orders, you don't have much right to complain.

[p123]

With normal people an open conversation is the norm and it's not a minefield of "Woe is me." Not so with many PDs. Try opening with "Hey, dad, did you see the match between x and x on Saturday? What did you think about it?" The only way to limit the griping to some degree is to control the conversation. Is it a pleasant chat? Not really. But it limits the never-ending negativity to some degree. But be warned, you need to have a series of talking points to which you steer him every time he starts to derail on moaning. This means you can only talk for about 10 minutes max before his need to gripe is going to railroad the convo no matter how much you redirect. He'll just, at some point, start talking over you. That's my experience anyway.

Yep. Come hell or high water hes got to get it in there.....

[p123]

FromTheSwamp - yes, that is what I meant.  But I like Sneezy's suggestion better - if you're not following doctor's orders, you don't have much right to complain.

Said this many times. Hes even had the senior partner at his doctors surgery call him up and tell him to stop calling and making appointments for the same thing if hes not going to listen to advice. He still does it.

[Poison Ivy]

p123, maybe your dad wants you to keep asking how he's doing. If so, it appears he has succeeded.

[lkdrymom]

Come up with a better opening line. Don't ask how he is.  Talk about anything but his current health status.

[feenix]

I like all the suggestions about not asking how he is and immediately launching into something upbeat and positive.

Of course eventually he will probably bring up his complaints. Here's my suggestion. At the very first mention of his legs, feign a coughing attack, put the phone down and cough a lot in the background so he can hear. Then when you pick the phone back up apologize and start complaining about your cough, ramble on a bit about yourself, it doesn't have to make sense, just make it about you. Do this every time from now on. I don't know if it will work, but it might be fun.

[lkdrymom]

I like all the suggestions about not asking how he is and immediately launching into something upbeat and positive.

Of course eventually he will probably bring up his complaints. Here's my suggestion. At the very first mention of his legs, feign a coughing attack, put the phone down and cough a lot in the background so he can hear. Then when you pick the phone back up apologize and start complaining about your cough, ramble on a bit about yourself, it doesn't have to make sense, just make it about you. Do this every time from now on. I don't know if it will work, but it might be fun.

I like this.

[Boat Babe]

I like all the suggestions about not asking how he is and immediately launching into something upbeat and positive.

Of course eventually he will probably bring up his complaints. Here's my suggestion. At the very first mention of his legs, feign a coughing attack, put the phone down and cough a lot in the background so he can hear. Then when you pick the phone back up apologize and start complaining about your cough, ramble on a bit about yourself, it doesn't have to make sense, just make it about you. Do this every time from now on. I don't know if it will work, but it might be fun.

Hahahahaha

Chances are the old boy wouldn't even notice his son is coughing his guts up and only be peeved that the attention isn't on him. That's what my mother would do.

[Boat Babe]

P123. I totally hear you and my elderly mother is exactly the same. Exactly. It's a pathology with specific symptoms. As everyone says, you can only modify your side of interactions with him because he is incapable of change. My mum is in her third week of staying with me as she convalesces after a nasty health issue. I am experiencing her total self obsessive conversation patterns 24/7 and it's a crash course in grey rocking. I am getting better at it and just repeat OK all day long. It is boring as all hell but I am managing, most of the time, to stay calm. The problem with grey rocking on a permanent basis is that when she says something nice (she's uBPD so has moments of genuine kindness) I am also "meh"  but what else can I do?

Your frustration is palpable but there is nothing you can do about him other than accept that he is broken and will never change. You then have to come to terms with your loss: the loss of a happy childhood and the loss of the hope for a reasonable father in your life. In my opinion these losses can best be navigated with the help of a therapist.

It is hard. You are not alone.

[InvisibleDaughter]

My NPD Mom is 69, and is just starting to have some health issues. Her toes were purple and she was diagnosed with PAD. I read up on it and it's most prevalent in smokers.

She constantly brings it up. One day I mentioned how the smoking most likely caused it. She got upset but no longer brings it up.

I think they enjoy the limelight even if they have to play the victim to get attention.