Hello from a toxic marriage

[Sgeorge]

Hello,

I'm 30 years old, been in a relationship for several years, married for two.

It seems to me that my wife have some serious narcissist type issues. I don't know exactly, I'm not an expert. I know she can be horribly selfish and emotionally abusive.

While she still means the world to me, I know it well she doesn't love me anymore. She openely denies she ever did - which I'm pretty sure is not true. Nowaydays, I feel she just hates me. Which she doesn't even deny, just claims it's my own doing.

She's constantly unstasified with everything, and nothing I do is ever good enough. Criticizes me for little things, criticizes me for big things. She herself, on the other hand, can't stand any disagreement or criticism. "You're talking makes me sick, you don't know anything so don't comment on anything", she says. Quite often. Sometimes even without any disagreement. She sometimes reacts like that to just about eveyrhing I say.

She tries to make me feel like I'm the one who doesn't give her enough attention and doesn't commit to the relationship. Even though beside her and our little child I don't even have anyone or anything anymore. Any friends or hobbies I had, I abandoned years ago. Because of her. When I still had friends, she resented me having anything to do with them. She'd get jelaous and accuse me that others are "more important " than she is. She'd say I should rather spend time with her. Such situations took place even very early in our relationship, when she still seemed very sweet, loving and commited. So I ditched everyone and everything and commited all my life to her.  Years later she ridicules me for having no friends.

From then, it was only worse. Almost every bigger step in our relationship, like moving in together, buying a place, getting married, having a baby, was preceeded by horrible arguments, because even a slight disagreement with her ideas would provoke her to threaten me with a break up. Or even claim we are broken up.

I won't deny it, I didn't take these well. I have my own emotional issues, strong fear of abandoment amongst them. I fear nothing more than losing her and now breaking up the family we started. She knows it and she uses it against me without any hesitation.

Such situations, especially threats, nearly always  put me in the state of near breakdown. I can't sleep, can't do my job, I'm barely able to do anything. There were two times when I was destroyed so badly I wasn't able to function and had to seek therapy and psychiatric help. My wife however doesn't care at all how I feel, the fact that I end up in such a broken state is just another reason to show her contempt and call me a loser. Or, more often, a much less civil synonym.

For several months now, the subject on which she's focused is our sex life. She's dissatisfied and blames me for that, like pretty much everything. Improving anything is nearly impossible, because the main problem of our sex life is that she just wants to be given everything rather than actually take any active part. Expects me to do everything right and to satisfy her. At the same time she couldn't care less about what I want, what I need or even how I feel. Several times she set demands or ultimatums, under a threat of divorce or finding herself someone else. I tried talking to her, telling her that threats aren't a way to improve anything and they just make it worse, but she won't listen. She'd even get angry for me to trying to talk to her at all. She once demanded I got more creative so I tried different things, but then she would just reject anything I proposed. Refused to talk about what she would want instead.

When I "fail" in her eyes, or even just try to talk to her, she ridicules me, rejects me, calls me names, makes me feel inadequate, threatens to divorce me or claims we are broken up already and then she wants nothing to do with me.

And then out of nowhere she suddenly gives me "another chance" to satisfy all her demands right now or else. Goes without saying that sex in such circumstances is not likely to be great. Or happen at all. Not to mention, simply perfoming is rather difficult when you're being treated like this. But again, she doesn't care. She won't listen, and I'm in constant fear this time I will really lose her.

Now I feel she just feeds of my pain. A day after a heated argument, during which she again claimed it's all over between us, I tried to just back off and give her space, to avoid another fight. She couldn't however. I minded my own business when she suddenly started to treat me like crap and tease me about the supposed break up. With a kinda mischievous smile.

Next day she gives me another supposed "chance" to prove myself to her.

I don't know which one of us is more disturbed. She because she behaves like this, or I because I still care. But I do. I could swear I still love her same as always, even though perhaps someone would call it an addiction. I don't want to break up the marriage, I'd be willing to do anything to save it and the family we've started. But I feel absolutely helpless and this frustrates me, because I feel I'd do anything, but I don't know what to do.

While she threats me like garbage and claims I do everything wrong and waste all the chances, I feel like I'm approaching another time I'm gonna need therapy...

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome. I am thankful you reached out for support and insights as you traverse what you recognize is a toxic atmosphere in your relationship with your wife. It seems like communication and mutual respect has completely broken down between the two of you. I am so sorry for the pain this is bringing and the sense of isolation you express in it all.

The most pressing thing that stands out to me is that this cycle you and your wife are in is leading to serious mental health challenges for you. The other piece of things being so unhealthy is you have a small child in the midst of all of this too.

We can offer you support and encouragement, resources, and insights so you do not feel so alone in this. We can validate with you that the way you are being treated is not what you deserve and emotional abuse from what you have described. What you may need is to prioritize your health and well being with a comprehensive approach to the complicated issues you face.

I would gently suggest, in addition to spending time here, returning to therapy and talking this through in real life with someone who can expertly assist you in recovering your stability and make decisions about your life going forward before a breakdown would be wise. With several sources of support it would be possible for you to begin to live with boundaries about what you will/will not do when faced with emotional abuse and toxic behaviors.

The resources drop down menu at the top of the page have been a huge help to me and are a great place to begin to read and begin building a toolset. Our Other Media Resources is another area of the forum to explore along with our member Book Reviews.

Other Media Resources: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=45.0
Book Reviews: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=26.0

A couple of articles that may be of immediate help as each trait identified in the articles has a what to do/what not to do section:

Abusive cycle: https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/21/abusive-cycle
Lose/Lose Scenarios: https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/no-win-situations-and-lose-lose-scenarios

One of the first things I learned upon arrival here is called the 3 C's mantra and it goes like this: I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it.
The only thing we can truly cure and control is ourselves.

Here is a link to the article: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-3-cs-rule

Keep coming back. Keep sharing and reaching out. Begin to build a support system around yourself. As you are ready and able join the conversations on the boards. I look forward to supporting you.

[Sgeorge]

Thanks for all your answers. "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" sounds like something I should read...


Theoretically I know there's nothing I can do to change my wife's pattern of behaviour. But then there's always this thought that perhaps there is something I could've done to avoid the crisis, the fight and her reaction to it. Or this cycle at all. I never claimed to be the "perfect one" in the relationship and my wife knows this. I'm aware I probably could've handle some things better, do something better or avoid saying or doing something I shouldn't. And most commonly when we have a fight, which ultimately ends with another threats, "break up" talk and ultimatum, I blame myself for emotionally engaging in the argument in the first place, rather than cutting it off before it escalated to this level.

Another thing, one of my wife's favorite tactics is to claim that she already explained to me "specifically" what does she expect from me, and therefore everything that happens is my fault because I failed to met these expectations, numerous "last chances" and ultimatums.

It's true we did in the past occassionaly have conversations, during which I supposed she tried to tell me something, but mostly she complained over some general things and refused to go any deeper when I asked. "You have to figure it out yourself". Which one, makes me think my wife is unhappy but she herself doesn't really know what she needs to be happy. Two, when I actually tried to figure it out and do something, based on what she told me, she usually refused and was completely uninterested. But, of course, later still blames me that I didn't do anything. Still I wonder, does she really tell me nothing, or am I really that dumb and I just don't get what she tells me. Is it really all a tactic of abuse or am I just really incapable to find out and fulfill her wishes and whims.

What I find baffling, there was one time she set her ultimatum (considering, again, our intimate life), and despite the circumstances I followed her demands somewhat succesfully. She was visibly satisfied and happy - at the moment, for like two or three days. Not much time later she started to disregard and resent this completely. I suggested that if what we did then was working, then perhaps we should go either get back to this or work it out together why it worked and what do we need to do to improve our life. No. Out of the question. She resents this so much it actually feels like she sets it up to keep us both miserable and in the long run the perspective of improvement make her threatened rather than happy.

However, wondering of what I could've of should've aside, I really rejected blaming just myself for everything, when I got to know my wife's family better. Because it turned out that most relationships in her closest family are similiarly troubled. Including her parents and her siblings. My father in law once witnessed part of our argument and later told me he's been dealing with stuff like this for 40 years. Makes me wonder whether she just copies what she experienced at her family home.

Then again I guess I'm psychoanalizing to much, but I just keep looking for sense in all of this...

[SonofThunder]

Hello Sgeorge,

I come alongside my Out of the FOG comrades in extending you a warm welcome.   You have already been provided very helpful information by bloomie and user and so I simply want to advise you to study the resources provided and read the book by Fjelstad. 

Your experiences written about in your two posts regarding your wife, align well with the experiences of many here, including user, as he mentioned, and myself.  Im sure others will drop in with their support as well, so please know you are not alone in your experiences and that you have a place here where you can be heard and understood. 

Be prepared, when reading the book, to not only receive confirmation of your experiences, but also to glean wisdom and insight about yourself as well.  I had so many a-ha moments from that book.  Im sorry you are experiencing your troubles.   

See you around the boards here at Out of the FOG,

SoT