Helping spouse through realizations about his parents

[HeadAboveWater]

Around 6-7 years ago I realized there were personality disordered individuals in my family and my husband's family. I then started a journey of talking to my long-time therapist about it, coming here, and reading books.

My husband was never in the same place as I was in his thinking about his own family. I get it; they're his parents, not mine, and he has to come to a place of acceptance on his own terms. This calendar year I started to see signs that he is, in fact, starting to reach acceptance (which is its own long story).

My husband recently went to see his family of origin for American Thanksgiving. I did not go. I'd like to say that mine was a planned and principled abstention, but it was mostly due to lots of difficult logistics. I went last year not because I wanted to spend time with my in-laws but because I was there to support my husband and to give him the holiday "turn" with his people that he wanted. While most of the hours of the trip were fun, the interactions with his parents hung like a pall over every moment of every day of last year's trip. After the phone calls and texts I have received from my husband this week, I am so glad not to be with my in-laws. Rather than recite all of the specific nasty barbs they've thrown at family members this holiday, I will just say that they've outdone themselves this time by being exceptionally insulting. Hearing all of this second-hand makes me sad for my husband, whom I adore. I am, however, relieved that the tide is turning in his understanding of his family. In the past few days, he has decided that his mother entirely lacks the capcity for empathy, that his father is an enabler, and that both of his parents are abusive. These are huge developments in his understanding, and he came to them entirely from his own experience. It's been almost strange hearing these things because I thought we established long ago that these things were true. Perhaps I was projecting my understanding of the situation onto him? Perhaps he is just now unifying perceptions and ideas he thought were disparate?

So Out of the FOG-ers, I came here to ask how you support someone through this process. I am loath to recommend therapy or books, as my husband has rejected my suggestions in the past, and he now knows where to find help if he wants it. What do people tend to need most as they reframe their relationship with their parents? Also, I must admit that I am currently bubbling over with resentment for my in-laws, having heard about their most recent crummy behavior. How do I keep from being unhelpfully raw in my assessment of his family? Help me to listen instead of using my husband as my emotional dumping ground.   

[Call Me Cordelia]

Well coming here with your own feelings is a great start. I similarly figured out my ILs' PDness before my DH did. We're still not 100% on the same page, but since they've discarded him we're pretty much both NC now. Long story.

Anyway... during the time where I was NC and he was not, I had to make pretty firm boundaries around what I was willing to hear about the ILs from him. I was in a place of being his de facto therapist, since he could "only talk to me since only I understood the situation." This reallly did not work for me, and it sounds as if you are seeing some danger signs about how much support you can reasonably or productively give. You are very wise.

You are understandably focused on what you can give your DH here, but I would gently remind you of the 51% rule. You and your needs are a little bit more important. If you are absenting yourself from Thanksgiving, how much are you willing to attend by proxy? Have you had enough? DH is aware of your assessment of his parents, and he's certainly not giving you new evidence to the contrary here. If you truly are done with it all, that is completely ok to let DH sort out his feelings without your intense involvement. 6-7 years is a long time to wait for him to "catch up," so to speak.

What would be good for you to do, possibly before your DH returns home, is sort through your own feelings about what you need your boundaries to be with the in-laws. Are you comfortable with your current level of contact? Do you desire principled abstention from future holidays? It's noble to want to support your spouse, but committing to travel and expense and the necessary emotional recovery takes a major toll. Are you okay with splitting up for holidays should he wish to continue to see them for his "turn"? When you are ready to discuss, the conversation can be centered around moving forward together.

I will say even if he sees it now, the FOG very well may roll back in in the future. With my own DH, I found it very helpful to get down in writing soon after the event what happened, how we both felt, what resolutions we reached in the postmortem, and then clung to that like a dog to a bone when DH's abuse amnesia kicked in again and it "wasn't THAT bad." He really really wanted me to attempt reconciliation with his folks and I dug in my heels and NO.

Basically I found my role to be the historian and hardass with my own boundaries. And I couldn't listen too much to DH's feelings about it all. Because his back and forth was majorly painful for me to witness. These were people who had flagrantly abused me. And engaging with him slipping back into denial about the damage done was further trauma. Like you, I'd had that double dip from my own FOO. I could serve him best by taking care of myself. As you rightfully say, he knows where to find resources other than you. And they would probably serve him much better. You are a caring and loving wife, and you are doing him the honor of allowing your husband to do his own work. I really do think that's what people need most when reframing their relationship with their parents. Best of luck to you both.

[Leonor]

Hello and welcome!

I might suggest, much like Cordelia, that the best way to support your DH is to focus on you.

As you say, recommending books and videos hasn't been well received. That's because any outside critique of his parents will be triggering to him, and he will react defensively, which will make you feel attacked, and now instead of moving forward as a couple, he's allied with the people intent on undermining him and disrupting his marriage to you, and you're left in a lurch wondering what just happened?

However, you can be a strong, healthy and loving sanity check. I love Dr. Ken Adams' videos and book on enmeshed partners, especially his YouTube message to the partners of enmeshed men. Susan Forward's Toxic In Laws is also great.

It's good to set boundaries on the foolishnesses you hear about. You're not a sponge for him to unload all of the toxic ick his family dumps on him after a visit, and he's not an innocent victim in the relationship he as an adult maintains with his parents either.

Here's an example:

DH: "Can you believe my mother? She said the craziest thing and I just was like, what is the matter with her?"

Unhealthy response: "Omg, that's terrible. Honestly, that just hurts and only a really disordered person would say that to their own son. I don't even know why she bothers inviting you if she's going to treat you that way. Do you even want to visit her again?"

Healthy response: "That sounds hurtful, I understand why you're upset. I'm glad you're home; want to go to the movies later?"

In other words, acknowledge and move on. He's a big boy, and he can handle his own feelings. It's tempting as a wife to want to support your husband and, honestly, try to cement his loyalty and devotion to you rather to mom and dad.

But that is going to get you into a tug of war that will leave you exhausted and feeling abandoned, your DH confused and in a perma-child state, and your in-laws rubbing their hands with glee over the control they're exerting over their adult son.

Once you grow up into yourself, and relate to DH as an adult in his own right, he will sense the shift. As he becomes more aware of the pain his parents visit upon him, the more comfort and sanity he will find in your relationship.

(And then the day he says no to his mom, you can run into the pantry and jump up and down saying, "Yes!" very quietly  )

[HeadAboveWater]

Leonor and Cordelia, thank you both so much. Even after all of this time, a reminder of the basic tools and boundaries is still helpful. Yes, the 51% rule is a big one to keep in mind. I just watched a Ken Adams video on being partnered to enmeshed men, and wow, that was useful too. Having had a discussion about holiday plans just last night, this information found me at just the right time. Thank you also for the term "abuse amnesia." In my gut I knew of the phenomenon, but it helps to name it and bring greater awareness to it. You are so right that a couple can be on the same page after an unpleasant encounter only to find out later that their perspectives have shifted apart.