Daughter of BPD Mother and NPD Father

[Drifter17]

Hi All,
My counselor told me about this forum years ago, but I never got around to looking it up like I should have. It's  both heartening and saddening to see so many with a similar story to my own. I feel kinship with so many of you, but wish that these issues were not so prevalent in the world. I'm 25, and have grown up with a very BPD mother and NPD father. I've never experienced any physical abuse, but have always had the threat hanging over my head with my father. For most of my childhood our family dynamic was my mother and me against my father. I couldn't separate who I was from who my mother was. Once I hit adolescence and my parents divorced, I really started to push back against my mother. I haven't had contact with my father in 7 years, and honestly feel pretty settled with that. My father never loved me, nor did he really like me, so cutting that tie was easy. My mother on the other hand....has been such a struggle. She's really the only family I have contact with and I feel so conflicted.

I'm currently in a 2 year grad program for mental health counseling (take a guess as to why I chose this field), and the distance has been really good for me. I've proven to myself that I can survive on my own, that I can handle my own struggles, and that I can be successful. That said, I've managed to get my roommate's girlfriend extremely mad at me (guess what? She's a borderline too! We'll call her B for ease of writing), and now I can feel myself wanting to run back to my mom, because at least I know what she'll pull. I don't with B. And B and her boyfriend/my roommate are absolutely out for blood at this point. I'm afraid in my own house, which has happened many times with my parents, but I thought that I had created a safe space for myself and was doing well. Now I'm unsure, I'm scared of B and my roommate, I'm scared I'll fall back into the same patterns with my mom, and I'm especially worried that my academics will be affected. I'm just at a point where I feel at a complete loss for what to do, or if there is anything I can do.

My roommate physically threatened me at our last house meeting, to the point our third roommate had to jump in between us. I only have 3 more months that I have to live with these people, but right now it feels like an eternity. I'm dreading going back to school, which has never happened before. It seems like life keeps throwing PD people at me in order for me to master this in my life, and maybe I do attract them....but I just want to feel settled. I want to feel safe and secure and happy knowing that I can handle their BS, and that I know it's not my problem. Anyway, I'm glad this forum is here, and it feels good to get my story off my chest with people who can understand.

[bloomie]

Drifter17 - Hi there and welcome to the forum! Yikes it sounds like things are really tough right now as you finish up your studies. Perfect time to join us here and gain good support from others who have a unique ability to get it.

The toolbox is your friend right now as you get through the next 3 months with high conflict roommates. It is found at the dropdown menu above. Medium chill is a good technique for avoiding circular convos that go nowhere and accomplish nothing. More found here: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

Another technique is gray rock and more is found here: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/grey-rock-safe-detachment

The threat of physical violence is a serious one and my hope is that you will not hesitate to remove yourself from harm's way and call for help. Here is a link to our emergency resources as well: https://outofthefog.website/emergency

You are busy... so study at a coffee shop, library, park, at a friend's house. Get out and away from the house as much as you possibly can. Avoid conflict and snide remarks (gray rock, medium chill (MC)) and keep your eyes on your goals. Reach out to your T and friends and stay connected and supported so that you do not go running back into more of the same with your mom. Keep coming back here and sharing on the boards that are appropriate to the content of your post and allowing this wise and wonderful community of people to support you. It really helps to lighten a heavy load.

See ya out there on the boards!

[artfox]

Is there someone else you can stay with for a while, or a sublet you can do? It's scary that your roommate has threatened you. I'm glad the other roommate is standing up for you, but obviously that's no guarantee of safety.

Please take care of yourself, and trust your instincts. Better to deal with some stress and inconvenience than to be in physical danger.

[Drifter17]

Hi Bloomie,

Thanks for the links, I'll definitely look into those. My plan right now is to stay busy, and probably come home over the weekends. At least I know what to expect with my mother, and she's been on her best behavior right now because of me moving out. It's not a permanent solution, but one I think I can handle better than having to deal with my roommate and his girlfriend. This whole fight stemmed from me setting some serious boundaries with B, which is what needed to happen, but because my roommate is not very...aware of what his girlfriend is doing, he decided to take everything she told him at face value. I'm sure B told him blatant lies about me, as he was projecting hardcore during our house meeting. I logically can tell myself that what they are saying about me is not true, but it's still so painful. I'm sure I'll be posting on here regularly once I go back to school next week. Thanks for your support, it is much appreciated!

[Drifter17]

Hi Artfox,
Unfortunately, the issue is money right now. I'm on a fixed income with being on financial aid for school, otherwise I would break my lease and move somewhere else. I'm sure I could stay with someone from my cohort, but that's also not a permanent solution either, plus I would feel that I should contribute to their rent/utilities if staying with someone, and so I would be paying for two places. I wish money wasn't such an issue right now, that would make things so much easier.

Thanks for your concern regarding my physical safety. I will definitely be getting the police involved if he does make any physical contact, and I'm wondering if I have a case to bring to my landlord in order to attempt to get this roommate evicted? At this point it is my and my other roommate's word against his, which could turn into a "she said!" "he said!" type thing. There's just a lot of factors I have to think about at this point, but I'm hoping things will work out. Thanks again for your support, it is seriously appreciated.