Survivor’s guilt

[Twinkletoes88]

Hi everyone. I've not posted in this section before so hi 👋

I guess this doesn't solely apply to siblings but I'm just wondering does anyone ever experience what I can only describe as a kind of survivors guilt?

I was the golden child of my NPD mother and my younger sister was the scapegoat. She had a different experience of childhood than me for various reasons, she had her dad in the picture who loved her very much which I didn't have, she wasn't sexually abused, she had me looking after her, which I didn't get etc etc... (not comparing - just saying we had different experiences).

Then about 5 years ago I met my now husband and took myself to therapy which I am still having and realised the dynamic I was part of. I was extremely enmeshed with my mother and I realised how she was hurting me. When it comes to my other, my sister and I, we have severe triangulation issues. It is ALWAYS 2 against one and it never ever ended well.

I now only see and speak to my mother once a month or less but my sister is now golden child and has been for about 2 years now. She has sadly suffered from depression for her whole life and then suddenly a year or so ago (after I went NC with my mother for a while), she decided she was now "over" her depression and blamed it all on her contraceptive pill. She's one of these people who refuses to believe the past is important and is absolutely against therapy / to the point that we've fell out a lot over her making negative comments about mine.

The last few months she's been plastering her social media in photos and quotes and messages about how amazingly happy she is, how she's never felt better etc etc and then today posted something sad so I text to ask if she was okay and the short story is that she is not.... she's depressed again.

I know it sounds cocky and arrogant etc and I'm honestly not at all like that, but I keep feeling bad for her and I worry constantly (and always have) how things will pan out for her. I want her to be genuinely happy and depression/pain free but fear she will not be until she gets some help!! And starts to see my mother is bad for her too.... along with some other changes (like her alcoholic and drug taking boyfriend!).....

I also feel bad for my NPD mother (less often admittedly!!), and I feel this surge of horror and dread that they are still caught up in this toxic, dysfunction and I'm not.... is that weird??

Sorry I don't know why this got so long!!!

[bloomie]

I know it sounds cocky and arrogant etc and I'm honestly not at all like that, but I keep feeling bad for her and I worry constantly (and always have) how things will pan out for her. I want her to be genuinely happy and depression/pain free but fear she will not be until she gets some help!! And starts to see my mother is bad for her too.... along with some other changes (like her alcoholic and drug taking boyfriend!).....

I also feel bad for my NPD mother (less often admittedly!!), and I feel this surge of horror and dread that they are still caught up in this toxic, dysfunction and I'm not.... is that weird??

I think it is natural to feel compassion and empathy for our family members who are still functioning in such destructive and dead end patterns.

I think it is unhealthy for you to "worry constantly" over the issues, choices, emotional maturity of another person. It is so important to keep our internal and external boundaries in mind when we have ongoing relationships (even limited contact) with family members we have a tendency to be enmeshed with. Keeping in the forefront of your mind where you end and your sister begins keeps you from over identifying and taking some kind of responsibility for a grown woman who knows the steps she can take to be healthy because she has seen that happen in your life.

It is possible the post on SM was a type of hoover to hook someone into rescuing her when she is the only one who can change her circumstances. You can support her, but she has to be wiling to humble herself, get help, and do the work herself, just like you did.

Something that has helped a A LOT with this kind of thing with family members who are struggling is to ask myself -  when triggered by their circumstances to ruminate and worry constantly - "What is mine to do?"

If I work that question through I most often come to a healthy conclusion about what I actually can offer in terms of productive help and it releases the angst and obligation that rise up in me when a family member is choosing toxic behaviors and situations, relationships, and to not help themselves out of the pit.

[qcdlvl]

She will get therapy only if she wants to, she will stop dating alcoholic drug addicts only if she chooses to, and she will unenmesh with your mother only if she chooses to. You can't make her make these choices. If she chooses to ignore the past and put on a facade of a perfect life on fakebook, you can't change that.
By the way, I'm a bit surprised that you describe yourself as having been a GC, when judging by what you mention about it your childhood sounds pretty awful. Even if you had been the GC as a kid, that would be your mother's fault not yours. You don't have anything to feel guilty about, esp. as you mention you looked out for your sister.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, I have experienced survivor's guilt. I'm the eldest of 3 girls, SG child. Middle sister married a flaming N, youngest is looking to turn out as a flaming N herself. Both of them have blamed me for abandoning them, particularly the youngest. By abandoning her she means growing up and getting my own life. As a kid my parents would refer to me as this sister's "second mom," and in a lot of ways I was her better mom.   

But I have to remind myself that that is a role that was imposed on me, not a healthy role for either of us. And that by working on myself, having boundaries, and living a healthy life I am giving my sisters the best example possible, which is the most I can actually do. If I take responsibility that is not mine, I'm not actually doing that person good. Like with my kids and they whine to me to do something for them that I know they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves, I don't do it. It's okay to let them struggle on their own a little bit. In fact it's healthy. I have faith they will figure it out. Possibily not the best example... I'm talking about like 4-year-old gets his shirt stuck on his head for a moment, 9-year-old stuck on a math problem. But in another way it underscores Bloomie's point of knowing what you actually can do in terms of productive help. Sometimes the answer is doing nothing is more productive.

[bloomie]

Call Me Cordelia - you are doing a lot by refusing to bring forward into your generation unhealthy family patterns and take up inappropriate parental responsibility toward your two adult sisters.

Doing the hard work to live in a healthy way and raise a family in an environment where kids get to be kids and adults take responsibility to guide them and care for them keeping in mind their developmental abilities is an important way of lighting the path for a better life for your sisters. They have to want to follow that healthy path that gets steep at times. Keep your head up and do not accept false guilt upon your shoulders. Your good choices are manifesting in your life and your family's life. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Lay that down. It doesn't belong to you.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you, Bloomie. It does get very lonely standing athwart family history yelling "Stop." You so often tell me what I do believe but it's so so good and necessary to hear someone I think wise saying it!

[Oscen]

Hi Twinkletoe, I'm new to Out of the FOG too, I popped over from OOTS.
I can really relate to the feeling of survivor's guilt.

I also really understand feeling concern for your sister; I am very concerned at times about my younger sister, who still lives with my parents.
Even so, it is a choice to worry, so take care. Only you can decide where you put your attention and thus your energy.

I know that when I treat my sister like I think I know what's good for her, it isn't good for our relationship.
Unfortunately I've done that in the past about a few things, like saying she should move out because of M.
When I act like that, I'm behaving similarly to M by trying to control her and assuming I know what's best for her (I really don't!).
It's hard when I see that she is in an environment that seems to beat her down.
I have to trust that it's her decision, and she probably gets more positive things out of the situation than I'm able to see - she does feel more love and attachment to our parents than I do.
It's still hard though.