Question about how someone with DPD latches onto someone new

[HisBF]

Hey Guys

This is a question that my best friend has.  He is going through a very nasty divorce & his wife was recently diagnosed with DPD.  She was  married before, & basically lied to him, but he didn't discover the truth until this summer.  She told him she was divorced, but in reality the divorce was final a month before they got married.  He found her divorce decree this summer.  His question is now that he has left (it has been 1.5 years), how  do DPDs seek these new relationships.   Also, although she does have many of these characteristics, she was the abuser of him &  the kids, and often raged very quickly., which sounds more like BPD. 

Thanks for your response.

[practical]

Welcome to Out of the FOG!

I'm very sorry for what your friend went through. I would rephrase your question though, which is how did your friend become vulnerable to his ex-wife? I think the key is to figure out how going forward to build healthy relationships for him. You could point him towards the Toolbox     here to learn, grow and heal form this experience.

I cannot tell you whether the ex-wife could be BPD, she has a diagnosis for DPD, but there can be overlap between traits. You may want to look at the information about traits in the Disorders   section. In a way it doesn't matter what the name, the label is, it was toxic and hurtful behavior towards your friend and how to recover and makes sure it doesn't happen again is imho the issue going forward. Learning about boundaries (see toolbox) might be a good start for him, especially as he unfortunately still has to be exposed to her during the divorce proceedings.

I hope your friend finds healing over time.

[HisBF]

Thanks for your response.  It is true, we do see overlaps of DPD & BPD.  Right now, she is manipulating her psychologist & telling her only what she wants her to know.  Her soon to be ex & both of her children refuse to be part of her treatment plan.  The only thing they know is what she has told them.  She is claiming abuse by him, which has alienated the kids because they know she was the abuser.  The manipulation is so bad,  that the court has appointed her a guardian since she is "incapable of making day to day decisions".  However, the court doesn't know that she just made life & death decisions regarding her father, which she is POA.  She is also not only spending every cent he gives her, she is spending the majority of her dad's social security check.  My friend pays all of her expenses except food & gas.  So, she basically blows thousands of dollars per month on "stuff", while he is left to live on barely $500/month.

They are scheduled for mediation in about a week.  We are not hopeful that she will end this almost 2 year battle.  However, hopefully, the guardian will be the voice of reason, and it will be ended.  My friend's health has suffered tremendously & I'm afraid he will have a heart attack if this doesn't end soon. 

[healingInSeattle]

I am so sorry.      How aggravating.  Take care. 

[Frozen34]

My dad is diagnosed schizoaffective (which is schizophrenia and bipolar) and I believe is uDPD. It's a terrible combination. His terrible traits and severe illness only surfaced to me after my mom died. He manipulates, lies, demands, criticizes, and is delusional. It's terrible.

[GettingOOTF]

My ex is BPD. When he met his current girlfriend he told her he was divorced. All the while making it hell for me to divorce him.

At one point something happened where she would find out he was still married. I had no idea he lied about it and when he freaked out that weren't actually divided I asked him why he told her he was. He told me that I told him we were divorced.

Who knows why people do the crazy things they do. My ex had never really supported himself, he moved from one relationship to another, which I now see as a red flag. When I left him he needed someone else, so he found her. His connection to others is over different things than the connections I now form with others. My connections are less about filling holes in my own life now that I'm working on healing and recognizing my own  harmful attachment styles.

I agree with practical about looking inward. This has been the key to my healing. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how a PD thinks. They simply communicate and attach differently. That's all anyone needs to understand really.