Article: emotional neglect is usually invisible

[treesgrowslowly]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/childhood-emotional-neglect/202212/3-things-missing-from-every-emotionally-neglectful-family?amp

This article has a lot of good for thought for those of us who grew up in emotionally invalidating families.

Even if our parents fed and clothed us, author Jonice Webb explains why that wasn't enough.

How we felt as children mattered. But many of us had parents who dismissed or ignored our emotions, or worse, punished us for expressing them.

I believe that those early experiences with emotional invalidation made a big impact on me. Still working on it today.

Maybe this article will be helpful to others here.

Trees

[NarcKiddo]

The more awareness there is of emotional abuse, the better. I have struggled for 50 years without knowing why. Thanks for the article. It does not say anything I have not already discovered but has given validation. Ongoing validation is important to me because I find it all too easy to gaslight myself.

[treesgrowslowly]

So true NarcKiddo, getting that validation and getting the message reinforced helps me as well.

Emotional neglect seems normalized in a lot of people's minds. The article got me thinking about this again. And for those of us who have to heal from emotional neglect, the only people who can really support us, are people who understand that the neglect was not 'normal' or 'good for us'.

So most people I know who have not recovered from their early emotional neglect, they can't support someone else in healing from something they are still in denial about themselves. There are people who think it is very normal to dismiss and ignore the emotional needs of the people around them.

Trees

[moglow]

Wow. That read like so many of our family gatherings where I drifted from one conversation to another, agitated and unfocused and trying to find my place. And trying to engage mommie dearest? I can't even do that on the phone, mainly why I stopped visiting her a few years ago. There's a detachment inside me that I just don't know what to do with anymore, where I'm there then I'm just not.

This kind of neglect truly is haunting.

[Jolie40]

from article:
"So, they do not have honest conversations with you about conflicts or problems you're facing, provide enough soothing when your feelings are hurt, or teach you vital emotional skills, like how to be aware of, verbalize, or manage your emotions."

yes, above was true for me

I'm reminded of the end of third grade & we were about to move to Canada
PD parent said to me "do not let your dad see you crying; this is hard enough on him already!:

so no soothing me at all or helping me cope
I was very sad about leaving my best friend & Canada seemed so foreign & far away
she prioritized dad's feelings (an adult) over a young child

[T-dog]

I've been following Jonice Webb for a while now and she writes really helpful articles with practical and sensible advice for helping to heal from emotional neglect. It took a while for me to accept that I was emotionally neglected but I found that once you start seeing it everything else becomes a little clearer and things can start to make a bit of sense.

I was talking to my therapist recently about my mother's responses to strong emotions or life events and there was a pattern of her going on holiday when things were hard or something happens, and she seems to think other people want to do this too. Sick pet? Go away for a week and hope it all blows over. Death in the family? Ooh a holiday is just what you need to avoid all those feelings! Finding life hard in general? Go on a cruise in the middle of a pandemic! She just wasn't able to work through a single negative emotion in a healthy way so I still struggle to talk about mine.

[treesgrowslowly]

Thanks for your replies.

Moglow, it is haunting, that is a good word for it. Sadly.

Jolie40 - yeah, and those of us who grew up before the 2000's it does seem like this was considered normal in a lot of families. To just ignore what kids are feeling. I am sorry you went through that.

T-dog, glad you are finding Webb's stuff helpful. I think she makes the point in several places that for the most part, parents who were emotionally neglectful did not see it as a problem. To them, that is just how you live. Even if you were to point out what was missing (i.e. the ability to stay home and express her feelings in a healthy way), the parent would not grasp at what you are trying to point to. It's like pointing to something that isn't in the room - how do you do that?

The capacity to work with our own emotions is supposed to begin developing early in life, and then continue as we grow up. When I think about my own parents, all I can see is that so much was missed, and for various reasons, only some of which I'll ever know of. But without that stuff developing in their own childhoods, they certainly couldn't teach their own children, the skills that they themselves didn't have. And sadly, even as their own children got older, they still didn't learn how to work with their own emotions.

Trees

[NarcKiddo]

There's a detachment inside me that I just don't know what to do with anymore, where I'm there then I'm just not.

I notice this a lot, and not just when I am with my mother, although detaching emotionally from her has been the only way I can live my life. But I find it hard to engage emotionally and am currently making an effort to notice when I detach so I can work out why, and ways of being more present in the moment. I can, for example, engage in a conversation but be aware of what people nearby are discussing. This may be one other conversation, or several. While it might seem like a possibly useful skill to have (if you are a spy, I guess!) of course it means you are never fully present in the conversation you are supposedly part of.

[Truthseeker1]

Well written article. Thank you for sharing it.  As we start into fall I feel the anxiety beginning to rise. I am trying to be hopeful that this year will be better for me as I am finally seeing things n a true light but truthfully still feeling so scared to go forward. My family was so neglectful and punishing toward any feeling that didn't support a Norman Rockwell type image. I have not been able to visit my childhood home without terrible physical discomfort. Headaches around them are terrible. My brain feels short circuited when I walk into that house. When I am there, it feels like I am being forced to live in a lie. I want to speak the truth so badly, but the consequence of such an action has always produced such negative results. My family always acted like if my feelings were hurt, then I  hurting somebody else's feelings by telling them what they did was bad and wrong. They would always gang up on me , the guy with the hurt feelings and tell me how selfish and wrong I was for hurting the person who was actually hurting me.  Feeling so disconnected and sad. I have 5 siblings and they are all in denial about it to this day.   It really makes me feel like I am the problem and not them at all. They all pretend to be ok but I can see it is not. They are all hurting too but are too afraid to speak up and shatter the fantasy image they have created in their minds. Even in a private conversation they won't acknowledge there is a problem. They act like they are betraying their parents or sibs by speaking the truth. It's just so sad.  I feel like I have no family. When I think about my childhood it's like I am watching a movie in my head but I am not really there. It all just feels so lonely. I really feel like my experience was so fiffent than theirs that I really can't even talk about it. Even when we try to share the good things, there was often a lot of pain inflicted at the same time. Even the "good" memories are so tainted by the pain. I just wish we could share our thoughts and feelings and then move forward together. If we don't do that then I feel like I am living in a lie.  if we could just process our upbringing as a whole then I feel I could enjoy the good as well as acknowledge the bad and I could move on. I feel a bit hung up and wanting to live in the truth and see it for what it is. I still struggle to let go and realize I really am all alone on this journey. Separated from my family but so glad to have you all who can understand. This community has been such a Godsend for me. I am so thankful for you all!