Tired of being invisible

[droversrungal]

I am married to man with NPD, BP (2), and severe depression.  We have been married for over 25 years and have 5 AC.   Pretty much our whole marriage my H has been depressed and I don't remember a time that I did not walk on egg shells.  Things have gotten a lot worse in recent years.  There have been 2 times my H was hospitalized for threatening or attempting suicide.  The attempt also included an assault on me (the one and only time he laid hands on me).  There is a firm boundary that if it happens again he is out again.  After the assault I kicked him out and that night he attempted and was found by the police and put in the hospital.

H was slowly allowed back to the house and has been back for about a year.  Last year he found a group of people (outside of the house) that he performs with every few months and practices in between.  This has been a good outlet for him. A few months before the incident I had decided to leave my job to focus on myself and possibly starting a business.   A couple of months later the incident happen and I had an injury I had to recover from so I could not work on much, just getting better.  I am still dealing with health issues related to the incident as well as other health issues (just getting old issues I guess). 

I have been pretty much in a fog for quite sometime.  I get the bare minimum done on a daily basis.  Because of the pain I am in I go to Physical Therapy and see a Chiropractor as well as getting regular injections for pain.  I cannot stand too long to do regular house work so during the day dinner and a load of laundry is as much as I can manage with the pain on most days.  I come to my office to work and I just sit in a daze.  Sometimes I stay up all night...and do nothing!  I did just recently find a book that is helping (Understanding and Loving a Person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and it led me (not directly but through a Google search) to this site. 

I want to learn some new ways to cope so that I do not feel like I am drowning in invisibility in my won marriage.  If we do go out to dinner on a date the date is between me and the back of his phone. We pretty much live 2 separate lives and hardly speak to one another.  For my part I am just trying to keep my head above water.  I do have a good support system of friends who know the situation and our AC are also aware of the NPD and help in their own ways.  I try to be careful about dumping too much on them though. 

[Summer Sun]

Droversrungal, welcome to Out of the FOG.  So glad you found us.  This site is full of supportive, understanding, caring people who get it, as well is an excellent resource for gaining new tools.  The knowledge of PD traits and behaviors helps deepen our understanding and may empower us to change the things we can.

I am sorry for all you've endured, what a painful, fearful and lonely marriage.  It is good you have a circle of friends for support.  Do you have a therapist as well?  Many of us have found this instrumental in our healing journey. 

Check out the forums and contribute as you are able, I'm sure you will find others experiences similar and very validating.

Wishing you healing, improved health, strength, support and all the love you deserve.

Summer Sun

[droversrungal]

Summer Sun,

Thank you for the welcome.  I am looking for a therapist again.  I had one last year but then my step father died (my real father died when I was 7 months old and my step father was the only dad I knew).  When I came back from the funeral I just never make an appointment again and things kind of settled into a uneasy slump.  Recently things have gone down hill though and I would like to start again.  I really want to find a therapist who specializes in NPD and relationships. I have been so busy with taking care of my physical health I have neglected my mental health however I know that I need to do something since I am pretty much drowning.

[coyote]

Welcome to Out of the FOG Drover,
Look at the Toolbox. Such things as setting Boundaries. Medium Chill and the 3C's have helped me. The other thing that stands out is how it seems you could be paying more attention to your health. Pain over a long period of time can and does change us. Not sleeping is a hardship. I wonder if a visit to a medical Dr. to talk about some pain meds or other alternatives  and maybe an antidepressant might help. I am certainly not a Dr., just my 2 cents.

I'm sorry you need us but glad you found us.

[RavenLady]

Hi droversrungal. What an enormous amount of pain you describe. I am so sorry.

I completely relate to how you are describing your experience of chronic pain and how exhausting it is. I am in recovery from a severe chronic pain condition that defied literally dozens of different treatment approaches and the care of world-class doctors. It had gone on so long I had literally forgotten what it was like to not have every area of my life constrained by disabling pain. My life had become very nearly unlivable. Like you, even the smallest housework task could lay me up for a day. This was extremely shame-provoking for me as a workaholic and I beat myself up about it constantly.

I ended up struggling a lot with suicidal ideation and depression and had pretty much given up on life. It was only after I committed to myself to do what I could to save my own life, and got to work on the emotional pain piece that I'd been avoiding, that I was forced to face the fact my parents were emotionally abusive and likely both PD.

What followed was a return of anger. Lots and lots of anger. And wouldn't you know that as I leaned into that anger and snarled at anyone who tried to put me back into the good-girl box, first my mental health, and then my PHYSICAL symptoms started to clear up. After a series of particularly dramatic long-distance confrontations with the uPD parents over the course of a few months last year, I reached the decision to go VVLC/NC. And bam, my physical symptoms retreated almost entirely.

I still have a long road ahead to piece my life back together, but I'm learning to center my emotional healing in everything I do. I can't afford not to. I can't go back to where I was.

Our stories are different in important regards and I'm certainly not promising you physical healing. The crashing of false hope is a horrible feeling for people in our shoes and I wouldn't want that for you. But according to Peter Levine, author of "In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness," and other learned healers and scholars (Pete Walker, Gabor Mate are also excellent), the physical and emotional pain circuits in our bodies are actually in large part one and the same. It turns out my story is almost a cliche, it's such a common pattern.  So it's quite possible and maybe even likely that as you lean into your emotional healing from abuse, your physical symptoms will ease up, too.

Just wanted to put that out there for you. Others here at Out of the FOG have deep wisdom about how to navigate relationships like the one you have with your NPDh. I am definitely worried for your physical and emotional well-being based on what you have described. Please take every possible measure to protect yourself and ensure your own safety. You deserve it.

Sending thoughts for you for healing in EVERY area of your life. You aren't alone. Don't forget that. You are in good company here.