Dating!

[Fairy Lights]

So, I've been single most of my adult life. The only short relationships I've had, have mirrored my experiences of my uPDfather. Now, I've been single for over 5 years, and been talking to a therapist the past year. I've realised I've been cutting myself off, feeling like I'm safer on my own, and I'm afraid of intimacy on a subconscious level (my patterns from childhood are trying to keep me safe!) I also remember, as a child, saying over and over in my head "I'm never getting married" "I'm never doing that" like a mantra/a vow, while dad was raging, smashing things, and arguing with mum, and I'd see mum crying afterwards.

So now, I've been talking to a therapist for a year, and I don't want to be controlled by old childhood patterns which kept me safe. I want to be brave and start dating, and meet someone nice. But I realise that to get there, it's not just about training my brain that 'not all men are like my dad', it's about having the confidence to set boundaries and stick to them, and knowing I have the courage to stand up for myself if things do get nasty. ('Boundaries' are a new concept to me, something my therapist has been talking about with me, and I've been practising saying no when opportunities come up in daily life..it's scary, but feels empowering!)

Is anyone else struggling with dating? Any thoughts/tips/encouragement?

[notrightinthehead]

I totally understand the fear to repeat childhood patterns. In fact, I married a man who was like my abusive mother. It was a terrible marriage.
Have you read the book by L.C.Gibson "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" ? She has a list how to recognize emotionally mature people which I post here for you. It might help you when you get to know new people.

    • They are realistic and reliable
        ◦ They work with reality rather than fighting it
        ◦ They can feel and think at the same time
        ◦ Their consistency makes them reliable
        ◦ They don't take everything personally
    • They are respectful and reciprocal
        ◦ They respect your boundaries
        ◦ They give back
        ◦ They are flexible and compromise well
        ◦ They're even tempered
        ◦ They are willing to be influenced
        ◦ They are truthful
        ◦ They apologize and make amends
    • They are responsive
        ◦ Their empathy makes you feel safe
        ◦ They make you feel seen and understood
        ◦ They like to comfort and be comforted
        ◦ They reflect on their actions and try to change
        ◦ They can laugh and be playful
        ◦ They are enjoyable to be around

[Fairy Lights]

Hi NotRightInTheHead

I haven't read that book, no, but I'll look it up

Those points in the list you posted are wonderful! That's my ideal man right there 

Thanks for your advice