NC w/ FOO and whether Do I attend funeral or no

[Zia]

Just would like to gain insight of what you will do if in case any fam members from your FOO whom you have NC with died. Will you attend viewing/funeral?

Background about me and NPs:
- I have 2 NPs, father is low-mid grade Narx with some Machiavellian type of personality and his spouse is mid-high grade Narc.
- I had history wherein NM ruined my special days -- my birthday including the week/s before my wedding.
- I was ganged up by NPs and other members of FOO before my wedding that I was so stressed and almost depressed.

SO here is the backstory...

We offered accomodation to some members of my FOO and it was my fiance's house (now my husband). One night I had to assemble them including NPs, bro and SIL in one room to just give a few reminder about some simple house rules. NM did not like what she was hearing and told me to make a name drop, I ignored her. So after saying the reminders, she cried like had a tantrum and infected others to resent me for what I just said (simple house rules) that's right I was hated for stating some simple non-argumentative boundaries in my fiance's house.


Going back to the question, do I attend or no?
As it stands right now, if one of my NPs die, I will not show up. I got ganged up already and I know how it looks and feels like. It was a very unwelcoming atmosphere, no matter what good or kind gesture I would make, it won't make them change their behavior.

Neither if my only grandparent should pass away. I have a maternal grandma who just turned 91, I did not really build up a good or healthy connection with her or any type of bond. Everytime I attempt a video call to connect w/ her, her way of greeting me was pointing out my weight and body shaming me and she just laughs it off like it's nothing. ANd it goes on and on repeatedly like that for the whole conversation. We really don't make any good meaningful conversation at all. To think she's one of the expert gossip maker in FOO. I don't gossip so it doesn't make for a good grandma-granddaughter bonding time together.

Other fam members No. I dont have deep connection to anyone in FOO. It's hard to trust them. Gossip runs rampant. and the same toxic behavior that NM exhibits is deeply embedded in the family system. I'm cut off from my entire FOO so I feel no obligation to show up.

[Poison Ivy]

I was very low contact with father-in-law (who, by the time he died, was my ex-father-in-law). I was invited to his funeral, and I briefly considered going because my adult children went, and I get along okay with their father (my ex-husband). But I decided my presence might cause discomfort for my other in-laws, and I would be uncomfortable, so I didn't go. I did send flowers, and that gesture was appreciated.

[Call Me Cordelia]

It sounds like you have answered your question... I'm not seeing one thing to put in the "in favor of going" column in your post. I'm with you. Why would you expose yourself to all that toxicity for the sake of a dead woman who was nothing but nasty to you?

My situation with my own grandmother was similar. I never went NC with her, but she never showed any interest in me whatsoever. Our obligatory phone conversations were always, "How is school? How are you? (No pause) I'm not so good... sigh... well nice talking to you." 

Once Grandma finally got caller ID, she just stopped picking up the phone. So I gave up. This was years before NC with the rest of the FOO for me.

So when she died at 97, I had been NC for a year or so. No freakin' way was I going to fall for my aunt's, "Family comes together in times of tragedy."  My aunt who I had seen ten or fewer times in my entire life and it was well known was just waiting for Grandma to pass so she could collect. My aunt who I'm positive had to get my phone number from my malignant father.   

Yeah, that a no for me, too. Let the dead bury their dead.

[blacksheep7]

Hi Zia,

Sorry for all that pain that your foo caused you.

You are nc just like myself, six years now. I made my peace with my childhood but haven't forgotten, ya know. 

I have decided afew years back that I would not go to my covert M's funeral. She is 92.  Why?  To hear how nice she was? I just wouldn't be able to hear the bs and the crying. Amongst a list of what she did, she criticized my siblings to me and me to the others of course.

I found out last week that she had cervical cancer and was getting her uterus removed. I was surprised. I haven't heard anything since then and I won't ask....I don't want to get involved emotionally.  My children and nieces have been advised of my absence at the funeral.

Would you feel guilty if you didn't attend?  The way I read your post, it says that you don't want to. It's okay.


 

[Zia]

Would you feel guilty if you didn't attend?  The way I read your post, it says that you don't want to. It's okay.

Thanks for the kind words. The question about if I would feel guilty, I honestly do not know. Probably I won't know until it is really happening. I would most likely have complicated emotions. As what I've seen with experience of other individuals who went no contact with their FOO.
- "Conflicting" emotions/ "complicated" emotions.
- "complex"  not normal type of grief

The amount of guilt and grief may also depend on how deep the connection I had with a certain family member.
- With my grandma, probably I could go on like a normal day on the day she passes. We did not really have a connection
- With NM, I might go on like normal as well. At least one less covert individual on social media who always likes to paint herself as "victim"/"poor me" when in reality she acts like a villain.
- With NF, it is complicated. I would grieve, how heavily or lightly, I do not know. If I do not show up at all, the least I could do is offer mass for his soul.
He infantilized me for the most part as if I'm incapable of making decisions or corrections especially when I point out some mistakes to him. Growing up he would do things for me, and people sometimes see me as "Daddy's girl". I used to think it was a doting term and probably even cute but realizing the behavior and getting the sense out of them I understand that this is unhealthy and toxic behavior.
- With sibling. I'm not sure. I would definitely be sad for the family he would leave behind. Maybe send condolence and pray for his soul.
- With cousin. Nothing. I have no connection with any.
- With aunt/uncle. Nothing as well.

The least I could do for all these people is probably pray for their soul and I don't need to let them know what I plan to do to get some appreciation or a "thank you" from their folks. I would be honest that the greater the anger towards the individual the more challenging it would be. I might "just do it" (pray for their soul) just because it is an honorable thing to do as a human person -- that is from my perspective.

I currently reside in another country (not my country of origin where majority of my FOO are). So I guess the physical distance and proximity help with "guilt factor".

I Appreciate everyone's insight on this. It is helpful to hear everyone's experience on how to navigate the complexity of this major event in their FOO.

[xredshoesx]

neither of my grandmother's children went to her funeral.  i only went bc i got fogged into being her guardian and i planned/ orchestrated payment of it all...  after getting to know my dad's family as an adult i don't blame my father or his sister one bit for not going.  my grandmother was an alcoholic and a terrible parent to them.

it's ok to say no and protect your own peace. 

[Zia]

neither of my grandmother's children went to her funeral.  i only went bc i got fogged into being her guardian and i planned/ orchestrated payment of it all...  after getting to know my dad's family as an adult i don't blame my father or his sister one bit for not going.  my grandmother was an alcoholic and a terrible parent to them.

it's ok to say no and protect your own peace. 

Appreciate sharing your experience. It can be hard when you are the designated person to take care of and settle the funeral planning. It sounds you got through it and also gained some understanding as to why some people decided not to show up.

It's hard in some case, when the NP does not have addiction issue or their abuse is not "tangible". But they are self-proclaimed to know bible and catechism inside out, parading themselves as righteous people and good parents. It can feel alone and isolating when other people don't get it. Especially when NPs empathy is very "performative" -- they show empathy when there's an audience.