They tracked me down on my Bday

[April86]

So after going NC and changing our phone number to stop the incessant calls. After 5 years my husband is contacted by my BIL who is the family minion. They know how to manipulate my husband and no matter how many times I say that we cannot engage, he falls for it every time. He listens to him and talks about us.

I feel scared, first they track down our phone number, what is next? I thought we were free but I worry now.

My husband says that he "can't be mean" and that hanging up would have been rude. They knew exactly what they were doing calling on my birthday because now I'm so distraught. I'm trying not to let it bring me down but how can i feel secure knowing that my family can use my husband to get at me and he won't see it?

[Starboard Song]

Oh, I am sorry.

I was once one of those husbands. I never grew up with my in-laws as parents. This crisis that lead us to NC was my first rodeo. It was hard for me to understand.

Take it ever so slow and respectful: he can listen and learn. But you have a worldview that is foreign even to this man who knows and respects you best. Remember that his worldview, the one that doesn't understand the worst mendacity of PDs, is one we aspire to: we all want to live in that optimistic world of trust. So with that in mind, explain to him your fears, remind him of your experiences, and explain to him your boundaries.

Y'all need to emerge with mutual respect on this VERY HARD issue. We did it. It can be done. I wish you the strength of gods.

[moglow]

What they choose to do or say is not your stuff and never will be. You chose to not have contact with them for perfectly good reasons and they know this, they clearly can and will engage anyone possible anyway. Flip side for your husband, he has every reason to "trust" them presumably because he has no first hand experience of their behavior. Sounds like he's a genuinely nice, good guy who doesn't want to be ugly to anyone. He can choose to politely say "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that." And refuse to discuss you with others, period.

Y'all need a united front, as Starboard suggests above. I doubt your DH doesn't understand because he doesn't want to, it's just foreign to him as it is for so many out there. Many people's perceptions of "normal" parents are so far out of what we've experienced that this whole scenario just doesn't compute - again, doesn't mean they don't care or feel compassion, they truly don't get it. Would that we didn't either! Completely foreign and as such, unimaginable until explained, possibly repeatedly and in whatever detail you feel may be needed.

But you still need your DH support and understanding. I wouldn't say he has to hang up on anyone but he may want to stop and think about what he's sharing. You don't want them to have any information about you. Nothing, period. It may be that you don't even want to know if they've contacted him, and that's okay too. That they have to hunt you down an/or stalk via a third party who you also [presumably] don't talk with, speaks volumes to me. No means no. You want to be left alone and have every right to ask for that.

[lkdrymom]

I understand your husband not being able to be 'rude'.  Just as long as he understands that he can't give out any personal information.  Keep everything generic.  No details.  How are you?  Fine.

[Kiki81]

And your husband is okay with being "rude" to you, his WIFE?

Lines get drawn in NC. Where people stand in relation to them is eye opening.