Whining about food again

[11JB68]

Some of you have read about my ongoing food sagas with uocpdh.
I'm so glad that I'm coming Out of the FOG so I can see the manipulation and not think I'm going crazy.
Last time I made Mexican I made rice and beans. H has stated several times he doesn't like rice. That's fine, ds and I do there's plenty of other food. H commented he would want beans but not in the rice, just beans.
So tonight I made Mexican. Rice for ds. Beans on the side for everyone. I made corn (h likes corn and is trying to eat more veggies). His corn was in a bowl at his place. He came into the kitchen when I was doing my plate (everything on one plate).
Oh you have corn? Yes. Is that mine? No. Did you give me beans? Yes. (Corn: I don't love it, I make it for h, I will eat some. He always has his in a separate bowl. I got the sense that he thought I didn't give him any. WHY? Why would I make corn, that he likes, and not give him any?)
Then he leaves, comes back to the kitchen: The beans. I don't like those, ugh.  Me: last time I made them you said you wanted some. H: well I don't like them (faces, noises...yuck ugh etc).
I lost my mc: Well then don't eat it!
I'm so tired of him acting like a spoiled child.
We sit down to eat. He goes to the kitchen dumps his beans, gets rice!! What??
Doesn't even notice that I made him corn bread which he's been wanting, quesadillas, etc...

[sevenyears]

  He sounds like my pre-schooler at dinner time: "I HATE XXXX!" Me: "Last time, you loved this and gobbled it right up! Will you like it next time?" Pre-schooler: "YES!!" Most nights, he ends up eating whatever it is that supposedly hates. This only happens at dinner time, never at lunch or breakfast. I think it's because he's tired after a day of stressors for a four year old and his communication skills go down, and it's hisway of trying to exercise some control over his environment.

We all know that PDs cant communicate and often act like pre-schoolers, so a normal convo about wants like: PD: "Honey, I really want more corn tonight and less beans." Non: "Well, and I like beans more than corn. Do you want some of my corn? Can I have your beans?"  Convos like these just aren't going to happen.

I understand your frustration. It's ok to lose your MC now and then.  Instead of just some basic communication, the PD tries to passive-aggressively assert his control over you. It really wears us down. I would just tell PD that he can start cooking his own dinner when what he really wants wants is something else.

[GettingOOTF]

For him it's not about what he does and doesn't like it's about how far he can manipulate you into catering to him. It's a game.

My BPDxH was like this. He's twist me in to pretzels to accommodate him over what he did or didn't like to eat but when he was out with others he ate everything. One day he'd hate something and the next complain that I didn't make it.

Eventually he took over the cooking but that brought new issues. It's always about the manipulation and control.

[11JB68]

Yes to both of you.
Never enough, never good enough. Always a big production.
And yet still the double standard and projection where he constantly accuses ds of being immature and me of coddling him.

[NumbLotus]

My H doesn't create the chaos that yours does, but absolutely, there are damned-if-I-do, damned-if-I-don't scenarios.

I have personally chosen to pick the choice that requires the least effort from me - using your example, just making the dinner I want and not try to cater. (Okay, I admit I would choose things that wouldn't actively stir up trouble, just that I'd stop playing the guessing game and just cook stuff that *should* be fine, knowing that the criticsm and games will go on).

For me, it's based on two reasons:

1) I have limited physical and emotional energy, and I'm not going to waste it doing something that will come out the same anyway. If I'm damned either way, I may as well damn myself the easier way. Also, and this is very important, it reduces my resentment for having made an extra effort only to get punished for it.

2) This is actually the main reason for me  - the cognitive dissonance is not as bad for me this way. Using your example, this is what would be going on in my head:

Serve beans only to cater to him - He SAID he didn't like rice! How could he say that and them do this? Does he not remember? Did he just not feel like rice that night? Or was he trying to drive me crazy? What is he getting out of this? Why is he doing this? What am I supposed to do? How could I have avoided this? Does he mean anything he says? Does he even know if he likes rice or not? How could he feel so differently about freaking rice two weeks apart? WHY? HOW? WHAT? WHYYYYYYYY

Serve the normal damn meal - He's complaining. Whatever. He always complains. Nothing I can do about it. Whatever. 

[clara]

Heard it all through my marriage to my uNPDex.   All through.  He seldom liked what I cooked, even when it was something he specifically requested.  He learned early on that his complaining was a good way to control me, to keep me "on my toes" and to let me know, once again, how nothing I did suited him.  He saw the effect it had on me, so kept it up.  Sometimes he would even refuse to eat what I cooked and go out for fast food.  At the time I suspected he just wanted to eat nothing but fast food and was using his complaining about what I cooked as an excuse, but now I know better.

What would really get to me was when his enabler mother was around, her cooking was just the best ever.  Her cooking was nothing special, and certainly not better than mine, but he would rave about everything she made obviously (now) in order to let me know, once again, what a failure I was.  To keep me in that defensive, insecure place where he could more easily control me.   Just thinking about it makes me angry all over again, about how he manipulated me so well!

[Lauren17]

Early in our marriage I made dinner.   uBPDh asks whats for dinner and I tell him. He says , I don't like that.
How do you know? I've never made it before.
The name sounds too fancy for me. Let's go out to eat.
So we did.
waif MIL comes to visit sometime later and makes the very. Same. Dish. I asked if H would it it and she said it was a family favorite.
So I wait several weeks, make the same thing again and claim it's just like his mother's. He happily eats it.
Was this manipulation? An example that his wife doesn't deserve any respect but his mother does? I don't know. But two decades later, I'm still angry about it.
Now I do what NL does. He can bitch about. Or pretend to eat and sneak out for fast food later. Or force it down with a pained expression. It's all the same to me. I've made what I wanted, how and when I wanted, and his opinions on it don't matter a bit.

[SparkStillLit]

I'm now getting "I'm not in the mood for that".
Sure, one more thing to try and orchestrate around your moods??? I think NOT. Have cereal, then, or fix for yourself whatever you're in the "mood" for.