Too close, you’re too close

[nel nel 7]

After almost an entire decade of trying to heal from BPD mothers abuse, I'm now facing head-on my uOCPD fathers abuses. It feels a lot more icky this time.

But, I'm going to dive in head first.

Something that bothers me deeply is the relationship I had with my father growing up. He never touched me or anything inappropriate like that. No sexual abuse. But there were other "intimate" lines that were crossed.

I was a very scared and nervous child. My mother did not sleep in the same room with my father. So I would sleep in bed with my him until I was about 10 years old. We would often times stay up late in to the night talking — he would tell me all about his problems marital problems with my mother, the drama going on at work, or his struggles to maintain outside relationships with friends or mistresses. He would tell me all his feelings. I can't even tell you how many times in my life I've heard "you're the only person who understands me."

Now, as an adult, I can see how many of these conservations are NOT appropriate to be having with your very young daughter. But at the time I was being horribly abused and/or neglected by my mother, and during the day my father was also quite verbally abusive and unpredictable, so this felt like love to me. I would think "wow! my dad must really love me to be sharing all of this with me!" How was I supposed to know any better?

Now every time I'm forced to be around my OCPD father, I feel super uncomfortable being "close" to him. Daughters hug their dads, right? But I feel really awkward being affectionate? Or opening up to him about things a daughter might be able to be with their dads?

I have no idea how to have a parent-child relationship with him.

Anyone else relate to this?

[D.Dan]

I could be wrong but I think you just described "emotional incest". Your father essentially put you (his young daughter who relied on him)  in the role of wife/confidante in order to fill his emotional needs. This is abuse. I think this can actually be counted as sexual abuse, despite the lack of physical contact.

This would definitely explain the icky feeling because it is very icky. Or why you can't do a child-parent relationship, because you were never taught that.

This is not your fault.

The closest I can relate to your situation, is that my uPDmom seemed to think me and my sister were not separate people from herself when we were young, and kept trying to use us as replacements for herself in the sexual situations she kept creating. It was disturbing.

Your childhood is also very disturbing. Don't blame yourself for not knowing, any better, you were just a kid and your parents were your closest examples of proper relationships (which "they" failed to do, not you). Little nel nel 7 did the best she could with her situation. She deserved so much better than that.

Truthfully, I think if you feel uncomfortable with ANYTHING in regards to your father, I say listen to your own needs first. Don't force yourself to make him feel loved while you feel grossed out! Don't disregard your feelings. Respect your feelings, listen to them, they are there for a reason.

I wish I could be of more help.

Be gentle with yourself, you did nothing wrong. 

[nel nel 7]

D.Dan I've heard that term before... it's a hard one to swallow.

But you're right, I'm sure that's exactly what it was. I went and read a lot about it and it matches up. Again, it's super hard to swallow the term used for it — covert or emotional "incest".

It makes me feel horrible and guilty. It also makes me feel angry. I'm unsure of how to use this knowledge to heal myself from it. I think these interactions with my father did a lot more damage than I thought. 

[D.Dan]

Give yourself time to process this new information. However much time you need.

I do think a good start to healing from this might be to realize where that guilt and horrible feeling are coming from.... and where they truthfully belong (they are feelings that your father should really be feeling, along with shame for what he's done to you).

You did nothing wrong to feel these things. You are not guilty of anything, except wanting a parent's unconditional love for their child, which you rightfully deserved!

I found counselling and journaling very helpful for myself when I got hit with surprise, previously unknown/un acknowledged abusive situations that I didn't realize were that bad, and that were now bombarding my brain with all sorts of emotions/thoughts.

Give yourself time to process this new hurt and especially listen to your feelings.