Starting Over

[Justme729]

I don't really know where to begin.  I am pretty depressed right now.  Just feel sad all the time. Frustrated with Covid.  Annoyed with people.  And more. 

The people in my neighborhood have been very triggering and showing true colors.   I have this huge weight being home.  I love our house, but that's it.   They are rude and entitled.  Take pictures of children doing kid things and post to Facebook, plus their personal view don't reflect my family's values. 

My children go to school across town more or less and that is where their activities are afterschool.   It is causing a huge burden.  I am about to medicate my children for their adhd because the in person day is too long for her when you factor in the bus ride (3 hours total, 1.5 each way).

My children are livid with me, but said it makes sense.  At the end of the day, I'm reflecting do I just feel this way due to trauma?   I've lived in this area for 20 years.  The abuse happened here.   I have memory reminders of all the shit times.  The comments and behaviors from neighbors, people we thought were friends, reminds me of her.  I love my house, but hate the area.   I hate the people.  I hate the commute to where our life really is.   

Idk- I don't want the past to have power over me.   I know people move all the time for various reasons or no reason at all.   I just feel like it would be escaping verse dealing with my trauma.   The only thing that is in this area is my toddler's daycare.   Everything else is 30+ minutes away.   Sports and activities are closer to 45 minutes.   All one way.   Moving would make things easier from a commute standpoint.   No questions asked.   I just always second guess myself.   My teenager is livid with me.   

[Sneezy]

I think it's common to second guess yourself when you've been raised in an abusive environment.  You didn't have certainty and security as a child, and so it makes it harder for you to trust yourself as an adult.  And second guessing isn't all bad.  Sometimes that added thought and reflection helps us make better decisions.  As long as you don't let it keep you from ever making a decision.

As far as moving, I don't see that moving away from someplace that has bad memories for you is running away.  It's one thing to deal with your trauma and another to see where it happened, in your face, every day.  Maybe some distance will help.

One idea is to make a list of pros and cons.  List every reason you can think of for why you should move and every reason you can think of for not moving.  See if that provides clarity.  Moving is a pain in the neck, but it can also be refreshing to have a new start.

Finally, if your teen is livid, don't let it get to you.  Talk to your kids (of course) and take their feelings into account.  But you are the parent and the major life decisions are yours to make.  As long as you are making thoughtful decisions in the best interest of your entire family, then you can rest easy.  Teens are often livid with their parents just because they're teens.  I'm not making light of your children's feelings, but don't let normal kid and teen drama keep you from doing what's best for your family as a whole.

If you can find a trusted friend, minister, counselor, or relative to talk to, that may also help.  Sometimes it's good to bounce major decisions off of someone who is a good listener.  Even if they can't give you an answer, just talking through it can help.  Good luck!

[Jolie40]

it seems life would be easier for all of you if you move

a bus ride that is 1 1/2 hr each way is a lot for kids after a long day at school

you said you like your house
however, if you take your time & involve your kids, you all could find another house to like

imagine the extra time you'd all have with less driving 

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello

I agree with the others who have shared that moving away from where you experienced abuse is very understandable.

I would suggest listening to your teen to see if you can glean some specifics about what they are upset about. Listening to them doesn't mean you're going to let them decide for you and the rest of the family. It just allows them to say what they are scared of.

Working with a 3rd party (counsellor) would help you to go over various options and strategies with someone who is impartial and able to help you talk more about pros and cons of each option.

Trees

[IRedW77]

I get how living in a certain neighborhood can bring you down. Sometimes certain types of people congregate in certain neighborhoods. Sometimes it's just a question of socioeconomics creating a general lack of education. Sometimes it's intergenerational trauma in other families that tend to stick close together. Sometimes it's cultural differences with a large ethnic community that you aren't part of. Sometimes it's you name it that I haven't even thought of. But different neighborhoods can attract different subsets of people.

Then there's your own memory and trauma and history that it's ok to get away from.
Mindfully and thoughtfully getting away isn't the same as running away.

You don't have to stay somewhere that's unpleasant to you just because you feel like it's on your big list of things that you need to overcome. You can deal with your trauma wherever you are. You wouldn't be escaping the trauma that you need to overcome and control as much as escaping the reminders of it—that you have very little control over and aren't likely to get control over.

Think of it like trying to work on your driving skills in a car with uncomfortable seats that keeps breaking down. You may improve your skills, but your improvement will be routinely slowed and derailed by things you can't control. If you got yourself into a car that was reliable and more comfortable you could really focus on you and your skills instead of worrying about the next time the car fails to start.

I agree with the list of pros and cons idea. You can include all of the more tangible pros and cons along with the intangibles that are affecting you and weigh it all together.

Another thought that occurred to me is making a big list of pros and cons as a family project that includes your kids. Letting them add to your list might reveal things that they're thinking about that hadn't occurred to you. It also might help them feel more a part of the decision making. You obviously need to make it gently clear that it's still your decision as the adult, but you want them to be part of it. Lastly it might model good decision making skills and tools for them.

If it seems like you have your own pros and cons that you don't want to share with the kids you could show them the process and have them each make their own pro and con list and come to their own decision.

This might be a better way to go in general—maybe you discover that they all already agree with you. Maybe they discover things for themselves that they haven't thought about that make the decision easier for them or you. Maybe it's just a good way to vent frustration and get everyone to feel heard. Maybe it shows them your reasons and they think of it differently.

At any rate it would take the heat out of discussing it with them verbally.

[Jolie40]

 wanted to add re your teen

got this idea from another parent:
mother-child journal

they write whatever they want to you in journal & then put it in special place you both decide
then you read & respond & return to place for them to read
they can write whatever they're concerned about, feelings, etc
it is private & just between you and child

it has been helpful for child & often it's easier to express through writing
by putting journal in designated space, they don't have to look/speak to you (if upset now)
journal just shows up...I take time to respond thoughtfully & return by next day

[Justme729]

Thank you.   I am going to speak to my therapist and do the pro and con list.   We drove around the area a lot yesterday just envisioning what our life might be like.   We saw teenagers outside hanging out.   We saw a greenway.   It was too cold for littles to be out, but we saw evidence of children existing.   We went to dinner.   We went grocery shopping.  The people were kinder.   They had the niche products we like (more natural or organic).   Being greet at the grocery store (a chain) with respect and being told "have a wonderful day" is something lacking in our little bubble.   The respect for others in general is lost.   People act like snobs.   A general vibe of "keeping up with the Jones's".   I constantly feel "less than" both in my neighborhood and community.   Like I've outlived my time here.  Our neighborhood itself is all mostly younger (20s), first time parents with children under 5.  We are in our mid to late 30s, with 3 children with a 12 year age span.   We don't relate to the other parents even though we have a child in that age category.   We are seasoned parents.   While we don't let our kids act crazy, We are  not a helicopter parent like majority of the other parents.   A neighbor was ready to call cps on us because the toddler was outside playing with her sisters and I was inside watching from a window.   Now You bed I don't let them out of my sight, just in case.   Same with the other kids.   I don't let them ride bikes because god forbid they leave the bike on the side walk or leave the garage without a helmet they will get their picture on Facebook. 

I'm kind of ranting now- but all of this is incredibly nitpicky.   While it isn't the stuff my PD parent did....it brings up those feelings.   I'm really working on overcoming the "I'm not good enough" feeling with my therapist. 

[Justme729]

wanted to add re your teen

got this idea from another parent:
mother-child journal

they write whatever they want to you in journal & then put it in special place you both decide
then you read & respond & return to place for them to read
they can write whatever they're concerned about, feelings, etc
it is private & just between you and child

it has been helpful for child & often it's easier to express through writing
by putting journal in designated space, they don't have to look/speak to you (if upset now)
journal just shows up...I take time to respond thoughtfully & return by next day

I've tried that before and she just isn't into it.   She will text me and that works.   I did talk to her last night some more.   We talked about how driving from our house now to the university would be a more dangerous route.   The statistic for accidents along that route during that time frame is significant.   The route from our desired area is very small and straightforward.   We also talked about options for sports and she wants to go to college.   There are better clubs she would have access to that she doesn't have access to now.  I told her no matter what she will have her own room and bathroom.   That is a non-negotiable which is one of her fears.

[Justme729]

Triggered again last night.   My two youngest children don't like fireworks.   The youngest is quite vocal at her young age of two.   I scolded for replying to a neighbor what the baby did.   It was very civilized conversation, with an understanding that it's New Year's Eve and fireworks are to be expected.   It went like this:

"Fireworks already????   I just got my grandbaby to sleep.   My FIL, whose been recovering from surgery, also finally got comfortable enough to sleep.   Now they're awake!  At least they're pretty!"  <8:30 pm>

"My two year old is scared of them.   She stood outside the door yelling hysterically at the fireworks!  Happy New Years!"  (Me)

"Unpopular opinion, it's only a few times a year.   You can deal for just one day.  My dog is scared, do you see me complaining?" (Toxic neighbor)

Few other random comments along the lines of "getting started early this year!!!" And "was hoping to get a few zzz in before the midnight show."   

A few other random "come on it's New Years Eve", but in a playful tone. 

I replied- It is OK to not like fireworks and express that accordingly.  Thankfully, just a few times a year.   My girl was expressing her dislike towards fireworks.   Please don't discount others opinions. 

Toxic neighbor replied (then deleted) along the lines of: opinions are like butt holes everyone has one, nobody was dissing your opinion, I can say whatever I want.   Then some other long rant about how he's tired of people complaining about ptsd, little kids asleep.   They just need to deal with it so others can blow up there stuff and enjoy themselves.   

Really?   Like really?   So if I'm reading it right my two year old can't say she dislikes fireworks because he wants to blow stuff up.   It's like saying she has to give grandma a kiss when she doesn't want to.   Or saying I *must* have a relationship with PD parent and I can't set any boundaries.   

Sigh.   I don't want to move.   New neighbors may be the same, may be worse, may be better.   I don't know how to guarantee that.   But I'm over this constant from toxic neighbor.   The other comments weren't until after he posted & it was all the people at his house for a party.   Another large gathering, everyone traveled for the holidays.   I'm waiting for toxic neighbor to go off again about kids being fully in person and teachers need to stop being lazy cry babies (yes his words) and get to work.   After all, (his words) they choose this field and need to do their job.   To each their own, but to call teachers lazy cry babies, among other names.   I need an income.   It's not like I can just up and change careers in the middle of a pandemic!  Anyways.....toxic neighbor sucks.   I hate being associated with him.   I just want to live somewhere away from people so we can just do our thing.   Which makes me feel like I'm running away.   Like I lock the social skills to function.