Almost moved out, but stuck. Hanging on by a thread

[bohemian butterfly]

It's almost been a week since I bought my house and although I'm happy and proud, I'm still struggling to completely close the door (walk away from boyfriend and farm).   He still doesn't know about the house, I've almost told him a few times (out of guilt, out of obligation) but something is telling me to refrain.

Pretty much since the closing last Tuesday, my boyfriend has been super attentive.   The weekend was 50/50.  We would have waves of him being sweet, with some dictatorship/resentment sprinkled in.  Like someone else on this forum once wrote, I've tried trying to see if there is a pattern, is it due the: moon cycles, humidity levels, alcohol detox, stress, etc?  There is no pattern and the mood comes in like waves.  And he does just enough to get me to think (that's it, I'm really done!") and then an hour later (because I am still trying to keep the peace) he's back to yelling out "hey honey, beautiful baby,"   etc.

I have to face the music, but the sweet part of him is what is tripping me up.

If I could stand outside myself, I would understand my hesitancy (because he can be an attentive kind person, very giving and everyone really likes him) but then I would also remind myself that this weekend he:

-nonchalantly told me (when I got home from work and doctor on Friday evening)  that several chicks had escaped the brooder and that I needed to collect them.  I was instantly stressed and in a panic.  I ran over to the brooder, trying to catch them and get them back to the mother.  He didn't help me at all.  He just kept doing what he was doing.........I have been caring for these little guys for a few weeks now.  I have them in a brooder with their mother until they are large enough to join the flock.  And this is one of the reasons I fear leaving right now..... Although he would never hurt the animals (he cares for them) he just sees the chickens as "livestock"   But what hurt is that he has watched me tend to those chicks for days.  He knew that I had spent hours working on the brooder, I had:   snake proofed it, hung up self waterers and feeders (this took several hours).  He knew it would upset me.  This made me so sad.  He didn't seem to care that this would stress me out.  I mean, he knows this!   (fyi - all 15 chicks were found and unharmed, they were running around the brooder, trying to get back inside!!! I was so relieved!)

-Also on Friday, he told me that I needed to work the farm stand on Saturday morning even though I had a swollen eye and rash on my face, he said, there are no sick days in this line of work    I had just gotten back from Patient First and was prescribed prednisone and a strong antihistamine.   

-On Sunday afternoon (after getting up at 6 am, dealing with a sick goat, driving an hour to vet to treat sick goat and doing several other tasks)  he asked me if I would put a fan together while he was out (keep in mind, it was task, after task, after task)   I told him that I would try to get to it.  He said (sarcastically) "then that means you won't"    I just walked away.  Five minutes later, he is lovebombing again.  He ended up putting the fan together.......

As I type this out, I feel ridiculous.  I mean it is sooo obvious, right?   Why in the world would I stay with a person like this????  Because of the yo-yo/pendulum/inconsistency of his attention/mood/emotional connection.

I'm straddling two worlds right now.....  freedom and bondage.  My body is telling me that I need to make a move soon.

I have already moved 3/4 of the belongings out (I don't have much.... when I moved in from my apartment, I got rid of my furniture) 

Once I know that he will be gone for awhile (and not using my car while he is gone) I will pack up the animals, the remainder of my clothes and books and leave.

It might be another week.  In the meantime, I've ordered a box in a bed, bed frame, and a few other misc items from Amazon to be sent to the new house.  I'm making small steps every day.  That counts for something, right?

[Spygirl]

I totally get that you are afraid, every little step counts, keep swimming!

You may tell yourself that all the animals will die without you there. That your pd can get better. He just needs more time right? Another year, another 10 years? How much more time is acceptable to you to be treated the way you are?  If you asked him to go to couseling with you, after you move out, would he go? Is your relationship important enough to go as long as you need it to?
Do you think maybe YOU are the problem and deserve to be yelled at? (this is 100% NOT TRUE). These are the excuses you may tell yourself at that cliff, because stepping off  is unknown. Super scary. I remember, it wasnt long ago. I was married too, so extra shame on me!

You can take the chicks with you if its that concerning. Put them where ever, because its YOUR OWN HOME.

More importantly,

What do you want for your life? When you dreamed about it before you met him, was this what you envisioned?  I know it may have been at the start, but it changed alot  didnt it? Your guilt about not wanting his lifestyle anymore is not bad. You discovered that it is not for you. Not the way he approches it anyway. YOU deserve someone who suits your needs. A partner, not an employer. Your needs are just as important, not secondary.


As for a pattern, look at how things went for the rest of us. Look at the questions being asked by new members behind you. Do you see the  behavior similarities? The same questions? There is a pattern. pds appear do the same behaviors. Super wierd.  The results are usually the same. After we are sucked dry on every level, we leave or are discarded for a fresh victim. Does not matter if we are male or female, gay or straight, young or old. I cant even say victim, because we VOLUNTEER to get involved, VOLUNTEER to be treated badly, and VOLUNTEER to stay.

You can volunteer to leave too. You can because despite your unhappiness, and voicing it, and your obvious stress and exhaustion, you get no relief. I finally realized for myself that he saw what was happening to me, and did nothing. Took pleasure in my disintegration. Stood taller because of it. It was not love. I dont love like that. Normal families dont love like that. Love does not seek to cause pain in any form. It seeks to heal it.

He did it on purpose.

[bohemian butterfly]

Spygirl,

Thank you so much.

These two statements knocked the wind out of me.

As for a pattern, look at how things went for the rest of us. Look at the questions being asked by new members behind you. Do you see the  behavior similarities? The same questions? There is a pattern. pds appear do the same behaviors. Super wierd.  The results are usually the same. After we are sucked dry on every level, we leave or are discarded for a fresh victim. Does not matter if we are male or female, gay or straight, young or old. I cant even say victim, because we VOLUNTEER to get involved, VOLUNTEER to be treated badly, and VOLUNTEER to stay.

He did it on purpose.

You are totally right.  You are so very right.

I will keep swimming.  I will keep swimming, I will keep swimming. 

I don't need a life preserver;  I can swim!   And the water...... it's not really that deep after all.  In reality, it's so shallow, I can just stand up and walk away.

[looloo]

You're doing great, just keep on!

Something that helped me cut through the push/pull behavior, was remembering that it's ALL impersonal, it's all just a transaction (to him).  He says/does one thing in order to get a response or emotion out of you, then does the opposite for the same reason.  It has nothing to do with "how he really feels" about you. 

[sad_dog_mommy]

Limbo is perfectly normal.  I dragged my feet for a looooong time.  I had to ask (diagnosed) BPDexbf to move out of my house.  I was dreading the 'what ifs' of what might happen.  He was so unpredictable and had made soooo many (empty) threats that I just couldn't think straight.  I might have the benefit of hindsight now but at the time my mind would go into overdrive imagining all the things that could happen. 

One day my therapist said "He ruined Thanksgiving and Christmas last year, if you don't break-up with him by the end of October you will be stuck with him for another holiday season out of guilt".   What a wake-up call!  I asked him to leave on October 13th.

ps.  Take those baby chicks with you!

[scapegoatnumerouno]

I just checked in quick, I haven't read anyone else's responses.  When I read your post what comes to mind is "what's the rush"?  You have ur safe home.  If you need to sit in this longer and absorb HIM more, do it.  Eliminate some of the questions/ confusion you have.  You got this!  Take the time that you need!  We are all behind you!

[bigchanges]

Wow, it's very interesting reading your post. I had a similar experience with my stbx's business. I worked full time and supported the family and he had a small business. I worked many nights and weekends helping, plus took vacation time to help and also took vacation time to take my kids to doctor's appointments and left work early to get them out of daycare as soon as possible.

I'll be honest, when I started going through my separation, it came to light that his perception did not match my perception. He doesn't give me credit for all the work I did and talks about how he did so much of the kid's doctors appts etc. It hurts me to think that he either doesn't remember it, doesn't appreciate it, or both.

I think it's important to step back and evaluate how you want to live your life - what do you envision? Do you envision free time? What would you do if you had full control over your actions?

[Arkhangelsk]

You are doing the right thing.

Keep coming here and making your lists of things he does that hurt you.  I did a lot of that, when I was where you were.  It makes them real.  It makes it a lot harder to rationalize staying.  I journaled here a lot and then would re-read what I wrote.  I grabbed an example from a post I made in 2014 and pasted it below.  I totally forgot about this one.  Probably because shit like this was my EVERY day.

I bet you read it and know, immediately, that I should not have been with this guy.  Recording your own experience can help you know the same about your situation.

Warm thoughts flying your way.

Fall 2014:
"I'll give just one example of the crazy.  We own a small apartment building where one unit recently became open.  We had to make a list of things we needed to attend to in order to re-rent.  I suggested that the tile in the bathtub was in bad shape and that it felt like the greenboard supporting it had become punky.  My husband began to rant about how I was just trying to spend money for no reason and that there were not any problems and that the shower surround had never stopped me from renting it before.  Later I did some work in the apartment and let my younger son fingerpaint on the walls in the shower.  I must not have wiped it down well enough, because a few days later my husband declared in agitation that we were going to have to keep a chunk of the security deposit because the tenant had gotten paint on the tiles.  I explained why the paint was there.  He exploded and accused me of using finger paint to coat the grout in an attempt to make the tile look bad in order to push my agenda to have it replaced and waste all of our money for no reason.  (In less wise times past this would have triggered a massive fight - but I just suggested we would talk about it later and did not take the bait).  Two weeks later (and now we are losing money, because we can't re-rent with this mess unattended) he tells me that the tile needs to be replaced, because it is punky.  He does not acknowledge or apologize for the accusations.  I manage to re-rent the apartment for October 1 and he does a great job with the repairs - although he does it all at the last minute and I have to interrupt my work and or find help with the kids so that I can help him, because he has scheduled his time without taking mine into account.  But he is very proud of the end result, and would be deeply upset if I tried to talk to him about any of the problems with this process.  So that is the type of difficulty that is a somewhat normal part of my life."

[SeaGlass]

Bohemian Butterfly, I am so sorry to hear about how much you are struggling to close the door on your relationship. My heart aches for you. I am struggling with the same thing with my husband. Please be proud of the steps that you have taken, I know that everything is going to come together for you. Many on this site say that you will know when it is time to go. You have a hard earned and carefully laid plan in place. Keep swimming and you will reach your destination when you are ready. We are all here for you!

[daughterofbpd]

BB,

My heart goes out to you because I know how hard it is to "break the news." Keep in mind, you are making this decision based on an entire history together, not just one weekend. So even if he was sweet and attentive the entire weekend, that doesn't erase the past or change the future. I have similar issues in my relationship where I do like 95% of the work and what is most frustrating about it is realizing that I can't accomplish anything for myself (career wise) because I'm bogged down in responsibilities with no one to help me. I don't even have time to be me. Sounds like your BF doesn't want you having any idle time either.

I know you are having doubts but I think you already made your decision buying that house. Breaking the news to BF will likely be difficult, esp if he's begging you to stay. Try not to let him sway you.

Stay strong, you got this. Take care & good luck with everything.

[bohemian butterfly]

As always, your caring words and advice are much appreciated.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you.

I had a therapy session last night.  My counselor is super excited for me and told me that she pleased with the steps I've taken, but urged me not to tell him and to just either move out and text him, or move out and leave a note.  I was shocked but relieved (I know that I don't need permission, but I was so afraid that I was being a coward and/or would get punished via karma or God or the universe).  I asked her why this kept happening (this isn't the first time I've had to flee a relationship).  She said that unfortunately I am a people pleaser, am kind and caring and that these types can sniff me out for miles.  Again, this was a relief.  I had taken the burden completely, thinking that I must be flawed (for even my dad cried to me when I was a child, questioning my love for him.  I was eight years old........)   Basically I never stood a chance with my upbringing, , I was conditioned this way, but I am not a victim.  I can (and will)  recover and I can (and will) attract healthier people.  I might have to start from scratch, but I can (and will) do this.  I am so lucky to have such a wonderful therapist (I've been to many, so please don't give up if you feel like you don't have one that understands PDs, those therapists are out there and you will find them!)

My therapist and I explored why I was not moving forward (moving out, closing the door). 

One, I still have a few things I need to move out (larger things that I can slip out) and two, because I feel responsible for my young chicks (they are almost old enough to transition out of the brooder and join the flock and then they will be "grown" (ready to fly the coop!)  And finally the slight apprehension, the fear of leaving.

After exploring the whys, my therapist and I developed an action plan.  She said that the chicks are almost grown, if any other hatching "accidents" happen, just let nature (mother hen) rear her baby because they will be fine. She said once these chicks (who are in the brooder with their mother) are ready in a week, let them be (physically and emotionally).  Then we agreed on a break-up/move-out date.  July 20th. 

I walk out the door on July 20th. 

[Arkhangelsk]

Here is to July 20th!  Huzzah.

You begin the next chapter of your life.  I can tell that you will make so much of it.

Being an empathic, open-hearted person full of kindness is a beautiful, wonderful thing.  Once people like us learn how to set powerful boundaries, we have so much to look forward to. 

[bigchanges]

How exciting! July 20th will be a wonderful day for you!! I think you'll find yourself getting more nervous but also a lot more excited as the day gets closer!

[11JB68]