I see them tomorrow, wish me luck!

Generic_Username · April 30, 2024, 03:05:04 PM

So tomorrow is the day, when I have to face them for the first time in over 6 months, and it's in court. I know that a lot of the users on here are in the US, so I would really appreciate some messages of support to wake up to, if I could be so bold.

We (me and partner) submitted a joint statement, via my solicitor, to the courts explicitly saying why we do not want them to get permission to go to family court. I had written a letter a while ago that was never sent anywhere so I gave it to my solicitor as a base to build the statement from. She said it was exactly what she needed and really helpful. From this basis she referred to my parents as "my abusers" in the statement. Phew! That hit hard! I don't think I've ever actually used the word. It's more comfortable to use euphemisms and skirt around it, but at the end of the day that's exactly what they are.

I feel sick to my stomach, I'm nervous as hell, and to be honest, I've got that old familiar feeling of being "found out" and "told off". Like we're going to get there tomorrow and everyone's going to look at me and say that they know I've made it all up and I have to stop now and just let everyone else decide what's best. I don't miss this feeling at all.

I don't know how to sign this off, there isn't really a point to this post. I really hope I can update it with the outcome we want.

See you on the other side!

moglow · April 30, 2024, 03:54:40 PM

I don't know how all that works, but if the universe is kind your attorney will get/have to read that statement aloud in court. They'll have to sit there in your experiences with them, knowing they assured it's out there for the court record.

To me, it speaks volumes they are insistent and demanding visitation with your children, thinking it's perfectly reasonable to just bypass and negate you -their own child!- entirely. It takes a LOT for us to turn away from our abusers, even knowing what we lived. To think for one minute you'd roll over and hand your own children over to even the possibility of THAT? I don't think so!

You've got this! We'll be here with you, cheering you on and wishing you peace.

My New Life · April 30, 2024, 05:31:56 PM

When I read your post, I literally felt the sense of dread and rising bile, I used to feel when I would have to see my uNP mom, after a blow-up, before I went NC. The old familiar feeling of being found out/called out for daring to create boundaries in my life. I still have trouble calling my relationship with her abusive, even though I know intellectually that is exactly what it was. I have trouble calling it that, because I can hear her denials and accusations of exaggeration on my part, my dramatic interpretation, etc. All of this is so familiar to me. I am sorry you have to deal with this and am sending your support.

Call Me Cordelia · May 01, 2024, 06:13:02 AM

I'm reading this on your court day, but you let them have it! Read that statement, say the truth about them and you and everything. It's perfectly natural that you would feel sick to your stomach. It's a disgusting situation these people who are supposed to have been your source of love and support are putting you through. They are trying to bully you into submission without ever considering that THEY are HORRIBLE human beings. And their entitlement to your precious children? The way they are treating you vs. the way you are protecting your own children says everything. I really think they have a snowball's chance in hell of winning visitation rights. Looking forward to your update and enjoying a little vicarious victory. But meanwhile, you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Something tells me parents like yours just don't accept defeat quietly and of course there will be whatever aftermath for regaining your own peace. It's a difficult day, but whatever happens it's a long road. We'll be here for it with you.

Generic_Username · May 01, 2024, 10:27:22 AM

Thank you so much for all your kind words and support. It truly means the world, and I held them in my mind while trying to stay calm.

Court was a surreal experience, I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't watching a documentary/drama. Both representatives had to give a statement summarising our positions. They chose to again talk about the impact on them as grandparents and how not seeing the kids would be hard for them. Going as far as saying that "what happened 30 years ago is not relevant to now" (not direct quote) - basically saying that any abuse that happened previously holds no relevance to these proceedings. About literal children! I saw one of the Magistrates raise their eyebrows at this!

The application was denied! I'm stunned. I really didn't know which way it would go. The deliberation took a long time, and the longer it went on the more I let myself believe that the right decision was being made.

Of course, my parents have said they'll appeal but an appeal is only against the proceedings - as in if the law or procedure has been ignored or carried out incorrectly. No more evidence is able to be submitted. We would have to attend (more cost). For today, I'm ignoring this, and I'm going to let myself process that 3 officials heard us and hopefully saw this for what it was.

moglow · May 01, 2024, 10:52:02 AM

Hallelujah!![/b] I was so hoping this would be the outcome for you! I can only imagine the inner eyerolls about how hard it would be for them -the adults- with no consideration for the children. Abusers are who they are and you need to protect your young ones. And what happened in the past isn't relevant?!! cough BULLSHIT cough cough

And STILL no consideration for you, their own child. I bet that was glaringly obvious as well.

This just makes my heart happy for you!

I am curious - and please disregard if you don't want to answer- did they reach out to you at all? Speak to you? Show any warmth?

Generic_Username · May 01, 2024, 12:08:44 PM

Quote from: moglow on May 01, 2024, 10:52:02 AMAnd STILL no consideration for you, their own child. I bet that was glaringly obvious as well.

In our submitted statement we mentioned how much the cost of legal fees will impact our ability to care for the kids and the verbal statement from them discussed this, by dismissing it as not a reason to avoid court. Think something along the lines of "money shouldn't be a factor in this, it's not a problem". Showing their complete lack of insight, and just plain grasp on reality!?!

Quote from: moglow on May 01, 2024, 10:52:02 AMI am curious - and please disregard if you don't want to answer- did they reach out to you at all? Speak to you? Show any warmth?

They didn't look at me. We were kept in separate waiting areas, as is the norm. When it was time to go in we all waited outside and the solicitors stood between us. My partner was more outwardly nervous so he turned his back to face me instead. I had my head up and glanced over every now and then - both when queueing and when we were in court. There was no acknowledgement that we existed to be honest.

I had no intention of talking to them, I don't think it's encouraged either. I do think they were playing the hard done by grandparents bit, she was already crying when we went in. And she wasn't wearing any makeup, which she NEVER does. It felt like everything was a move in a very weird game of chess.

Rebel13 · May 01, 2024, 12:30:36 PM

Oh Generic_Username, I'm so glad you got a good outcome! I believe it was so hard, and I can completely identify with that feeling of "I've been bad and I'm going to be punished" just because you stood up for yourself. But it worked, at least so far! I find it hard to imagine that the opposing counsel will be able to come up with reasonable grounds for appeal, so hopefully this is it and it won't rear its ugly head again. But in the meantime, enjoy your victory!

moglow · May 01, 2024, 03:13:54 PM

That makes me ache for y'all. It's not about the farking money! That they threw "it's not a problem" in there - it IS but clearly not in any way they grasp. So money isn't a problem for them but they refuse to see how this affects *the children*. Still all about punishing you. 😑

Have mercy. I don't like them at all and I don't even know them. I'd want to go full witness protection just to be so far away they never find us.

Deep breaths! And hug your family closer

Generic_Username · May 02, 2024, 02:42:11 AM

Thank you Moglow. I'm so glad I'm able to put this part of the chapter behind me. I've got a day off for self care and reflection, which is very much needed!

Rose1 · May 02, 2024, 08:06:29 AM

what a good response from the court. I'm really surprised they even went knowing they would be outed.

Maybe that didn't compute. Well done for saying it like it is.

Maybe on reflection they will realise how it made them look.

moglow · May 02, 2024, 10:44:55 AM

" Maybe on reflection they will realise how it made them look. "

Cynical mo says, they seem far more concerned about shining that light elsewhere than to pull themselves out of the self-imposed shadows. I do wonder if there's a twinge of "OMG what have we done. now people KNOW, they said it in COURT and it's in the court RECORDS" I suspect that even if that twinge hits, it'll be more of "LOOK at what you MADE us do, what YOU did to us!"

NarcKiddo · May 02, 2024, 01:19:58 PM

I am so happy for you. Of course it is a crying shame you were put through this ordeal at all. But at least the right decision was made.

Rose1 · May 02, 2024, 06:06:32 PM

From Moglow even if that twinge hits, it'll be more of "LOOK at what you MADE us do, what YOU did to us!"
Sadly you're most likely correct in what you're saying.

I'm glad the judge saw through it.

walking on broken glass · May 03, 2024, 04:52:24 AM

Hi Generic, I just read your story. I am so glad for the outcome!

I can't imagine how relieved you must all be. It must feel like a vindication. I hope you got some sense of closure as well, being able to face your parents in court and have them hear in public what you thought about them. Sending big hugs!

M0009803 · Reply #15 - Re: I see them tomorrow, wish me luck!

Glad to hear it went well.

When I first read about your story I figured they were using the court action to get you to toe their line (and do what they wanted)

You called their bluff by going to court. But, because they are PDs they doubled down and didn't back down, so it invariably ended up blowing up in their face.

I had a very similar story with my own mother (uPD), which also ended decided in my favour.

There is always a price to pay when dealing with PDs like this (money and time), but at the end of that stressful road the ability to live life peacefully with your family is worth every penny.