Conflicting emotions

[The Butterfly Effect]

I'm NC with my Narc mother, my enabling father and enmeshed/co dependant sister.  My remaining family member have ceased contact with me as a result of the NC and no doubt have bought into the smear campaign, lies and manipulation being so thick in their own FOG.  The NC was a natural follow up to my Narc mothers silent treatment. In the past I would've acquiesced and her control and punishment would have brought me back into line. The emotional blackmail was always strong. But I finally learnt what she is and how she operates. I finally found the strength to not be sucked back into the toxic game playing and the triangulating lies and manipulation.

I have recently moved home and have relocated to a new area but I haven't told any of my 'family' of my new address.  I've a redirection of mail in place for a period of time but I really don't know what it is I'm hoping for from them. They never visited me in my previous home so I'm a bit confused where the conflicting feelings are coming from  

I know my feelings are conflicting. Having been the family SG, I am now free from the family dysfunctionality. I am at last honouring myself. My mental/physical health have improved immensely and I'm no longer in the suffocating FOG.

But there is a grief I'm working through.  Having honoured myself, I feel like an orphan. There are times I have deep sadness that my siblings have chosen to isolate me. I feel anger and huge resentment from waiting for the apology that will NEVER come from my Narc mother. I feel discarded. A piece of trash. At times feel very alone in this world.

But I also feel a strange peace and calmness from no longer being an unwilling participant in the crazy making behaviour/toxicity from both my mother and her most trusted flying monkey, my sister.

Perhaps this is a rambling post but I would really like to know if the undulating conflicting emotions I'm feeling will go. To put a better analogy to this post: I feel like I'm on a wash cycle. Whilst the washing machine drum is oscillating, I'm being tossed about, drowning in my Narc mothers historic hurtful words, guilt, anger, manipulation, resentment... And when the drum stops turning, I am at peace, time to draw breath and rest.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I have felt much the same. On and off, grief and relief. I'm in a similar position as the NC SG with my FOO and my ILs. I  have received one measly Christmas card from one distant relation in the entire time I've been NC. Phew, I'm not being hounded anymore. But don't any of them care? Back and forth. Agitate and soak, rinse and repeat. As time goes on though, that cycle is more "Gentle" and less "Heavy duty."

[The Butterfly Effect]

Thank you Cordelia. "Grief and relief" is perfect. The silence at times has been deafening but I'm finding as the months and years creep on by, the more I am thankful of the very warped gift that they have given me - the ultimate gift, and that is to live my life without them, authentically and free from the dysfunctionality.

They have zero access to me, even more so having now moved.  I have waves of acute sadness that hit me hard followed by peace and acceptance. "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

I'm looking forward to the 'delicates' wash cycle setting   

[Big Bear]

Butterfly Effect,

The path to healing often takes time.  Have patience.  Take it at your own pace.  I like to think of it as more of a marathon than a sprint! 

We're here for you!   

Big Bear

[NarcKiddo]

I identify very much with this. I have not gone NC but am LC/grey rock and it seems to work. Since starting therapy a few months ago I am able to cope with interactions with much less emotional turmoil, which is good, but the waves of sadness as I confront my issues can be much more overwhelming than in the past.

So I am interested to see what others say about the emotions getting less vehement over time. I am trusting that they will. I like your washing machine analogy.

[The Butterfly Effect]

The path to healing often takes time.  Have patience.  Take it at your own pace.  I like to think of it as more of a marathon than a sprint!

Thank you Big Bear.  Yes you're right. The healing path is a marathon. I look forward to seeing the home straight, drawing breath whilst  acknowledging the hard yards it has taken to cross that finishing line 

I identify very much with this. I have not gone NC but am LC/grey rock and it seems to work. Since starting therapy a few months ago I am able to cope with interactions with much less emotional turmoil, which is good, but the waves of sadness as I confront my issues can be much more overwhelming than in the past.

So I am interested to see what others say about the emotions getting less vehement over time. I am trusting that they will. I like your washing machine analogy.

I'm glad for you Narckiddo that you're finding LC plus therapy is working for you. I wish there was a magical elexir we could all take to banish the thwarted emotional effort and energy spent with the all consuming sadness, pain, loneliness... and all round emptiness.  We grow through what we go through and that can only be a huge positive 

[JustKat]

But there is a grief I'm working through.  Having honoured myself, I feel like an orphan. There are times I have deep sadness that my siblings have chosen to isolate me. I feel anger and huge resentment from waiting for the apology that will NEVER come from my Narc mother. I feel discarded. A piece of trash. At times feel very alone in this world.

But I also feel a strange peace and calmness from no longer being an unwilling participant in the crazy making behaviour/toxicity from both my mother and her most trusted flying monkey, my sister.

Hi Butterfly Effect,

Your story sounds so close to mine. I also walked away from an Nmother, an enabling father, and a deeply enmeshed sister. I really understand that roller coaster of emotions. When I first went NC I felt at peace, knowing I was free from the toxicity. Sometimes that would flip-flop back into sadness over losing my siblings and extended family members. Then I'd bounce back to being calm, knowing I was better off without them. I think a lot of the flip-flopping of emotions came from the uncertainty I had about the future. When I went NC my mother had health issues and my father was aging, so there was this ray of hope that I'd get my siblings back after they were gone. I had written this ending in my head, one where my sister celebrated her freedom and reconnected with me. That did not happen.

My Nmother passed away first and my enfather died about a year ago. Boom! Now I know how this story ends. I had always held onto hope for an apology from my father. Well, you are 100% correct in your assumption that no apology will ever come. My parents had to pass away before I could finally accept that outcome, but now that I'm there, I no longer feel any guilt over going NC. The other surprise that came with their deaths was the realization that my enabling sister was way more enmeshed than I ever could have imagined. I'll never know what horror stories she was told about me in the smear campaign, but I don't think anything is off the table. The short story there is that she's gone and she's not coming back.

I apologize if it sounds like I'm making this about me, but I really wanted you to know how similar our situations are and how it ended for me, and how I'm working through it. What I'm learning is that this is a lifelong journey. For me, it got better when they died (sad but true), then it got worse when I started having problems with my enmeshed sister, but now I'm heading toward a place where it's getting better again. I'm no longer wasting my time trying to win the love of my birth family. Instead, I'm spending that time working on relationships with the friends and neighbors who treat me like family.

I guess the point of this rambling post is that the emotions will probably always be there, but they'll change. I think we'll all retain the feeling of being an orphan and that one hurts like hell. But the conflicted feelings get better. The feelings of guilt over NC go away. As others have said, it takes time, but the washing machine from hell does eventually stop (or at least slow waayyyyyy down).

Sending you hugs.