Ran into Narc ex-friend today

[Kaz1956]

Today when shopping I encountered a former friend; a woman I used to spend quite a lot of time with. As I came Out of the FOG, I realised that I was not in a genuine friendship but in a trauma based relationship with a person with strong narcissistic tendencies. (I come from a uNPD heavy FOO so have been a bit of a sitting duck for narc's in the past.)

She seemed friendly but I usually felt bad after seeing her. One of her tactics was to point out my faults, financial issues, age, lack of general good luck in life etc - you know, those nasty zingers slipped in with a smile on her face.

About six years ago as I came Out of the FOG I started getting much stronger and began pushing back when she did this. This is, boundary setting comments such as 'that's not true', or 'gee that's a bit mean, did you mean to say that?'.

I guess I stopped being an easy mark and the friendship dwindled. Eventuality a couple of years ago she started ghosting me and I believe started running a propaganda campaign against me. A few people kind of looked at me oddly around then so I guess some fell for it. We mostly move in a different circle so it was easy to ignore.

Today she was ahead of me at the checkout. I believe that she saw me long before I saw her and when I did notice her she seemed to be anxious to get away. When I looked up from loading my groceries to be scanned and realised it was her I greeted her, just saying 'hello M'. She acted surprised and just said 'Oh' before scuttling away. I couldn't help myself and said 'Well, you could say hello'.

Nothing else was said but on leaving the store as fate would have it she was parked just one car away from me and was loading her boot. I was fine to leave it but she turned on me and said I was nothing but a passive aggressive bitch and had been for a few years before she cut me off. She said she didn't know what my f@#*ing problem was.

I have to say that I'm not one to fight but I said in reply that my problem was that I had become tired of her nasty jabs and had started setting boundaries with her and that's likely why she had been the one to start ghosting me. She accused me of blocking her on social media. I said that had happened months after I realised I was being ghosted. After being sworn at again, I did get angry and said that in any case I'd been wanting to get her out of my life for some time and end the friendship anyway so it was no loss to me. She swore at me again and said amongst other things said Karma would get me.

Oh good Lord, I'm sorry not sorry that this happened but I feel some shame in having said such a nasty thing. I did lose my temper but am not a shouter, on the rare occasions I get truly angry I tend to become coldly and quietly articulate; hence my response to being yelled and sworn at. I feel remorse at deliberately hurting someone as one of the worst traits of my parents and some siblings is their ability to know someone's vulnerable points and use it to bring them down. Did I do this today?

What a mess. As Brene Brown says in her TED talk on shame. Telling the stories lightens the shame so thanks for letting me share. I feel a bit clearer now ❤️

 

[bloomie]

Kaz1956 - As human beings when unexpectedly faced with out of nowhere rude behavior from someone who has made our life difficult, who has hurt us, we are not always able to say what we need to how we would like to, but it doesn't negate the truth you spoke over the accusations made of you. 

I am really sorry this happened.

[Kaz1956]

Thanks Bloomie for your kind words.

[Catothecat]

Honestly, I no longer give narcs and NPDs the benefit of the doubt.  From what I've seen of those who've been in my life, Kaz, they are generally aware of what they do and why they do it (although that knowledge is filtered through their narcissism).  Note that you say she has habitually said things to you that can be interpreted as put downs or even insults.  But of course she did it with a smile on her face.  That way they think they're fooling you.  If you perceive what they say as an insult or put-down, it becomes your issue because naturally they never ever mean it that way!  And how dare you even consider they aren't anything but a good, considerate friend!  But make no mistake, they KNOW what they're doing. 

So naturally, once you got Out of the FOG and became aware of who she really was, she ghosted you.  You were no longer available to play the role in her life that she'd assigned to you.  It's a hard reality to accept when someone you thought was a friend turns out to be anything but.  But friendship is a two-way street and her getting away with whatever she wanted was no longer an option.  She knew that, too. 

Her only defense was a good offense.  She came at you, expecting you to crumble and feel bad about yourself.  DON'T DO IT!  Yes, it's easy to get upset with yourself when your buttons get pushed, but like bloomie said--we're human, too.  The narc doesn't get to make those rules. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

"I was fine to leave it but she turned on me and said I was nothing but a passive aggressive bitch and had been for a few years before she cut me off."

"She accused me of blocking her on social media."

So... if she cut you off why she looking at your social media?   

That whole chance confrontation really stinks all around. I'm sorry you were put in that position. I admire how you attempted to be civil at first with a simple hello. It was only when she went on full attack (calling you a passive-aggressive bitch?!?) that you shot back with FACTS.

It's clear your choices have been vindicated, is all I'm saying. Holy wow. 

[lkdrymom]

She started something with you and you finished it.  Nothing to be sorry about.

[Transcendence]

Notice how your x friend, was a "coward" when the two of you were in public.  She was frightened of your calm power. I believe the "projection" began when she accused you of being a "passive aggressive Beeatch"!  It isn't mean or inappropriate when you responded with "the truth."
f
 Notice how your empathy remains, even for such an unconscious and destructive human being...you were worried about hurting "HER."  She baited you into the ring of conflict...where there is no resolution with PD's...sometimes us "empaths" still yearn for some kind of mutual closure or at least the accountability for what someone has blatantly done to us!  But what I have to keep repeating to myself is:  "There is NO negotiating with terrorists!"   I have to tell myself about this, sadly with FOO.  They all mob me, slander me, and exploit me when they have the chance. I have been drained of my personal and spiritual resources by abysmal people, where there is no hope of compromise.

I have massive relationships behind me where it was so off balance with reciprocal exchanges.  It has been so hard for me to let go of people, and I find I have given way too many chances, and have minimized the damage they have inflicted on me and my life.  In the last year...I have let go of 3 people..."friends" after numerous betrayals and insane experiences.

  I find journal therapy to be so essential to do an autopsy on experiences with others, and writing out my feelings and impressions.   Then I am able to see the patterns of the dynamics. When I start expressing boundaries, they tend to blow up in rage and accusations. Then it really becomes clear of "who they are." 

When the slander and character assassinations start to surface...it is so painful and disorienting.  How could a "friend" that I invested so much in...turn the tables on me...and some of the other people become "flying monkeys"?!

The whole "system" is rigged.  If someone is so eager to hear lies about me, they don't really know me.  And they aren't safe.

I think you handled yourself well, considering what was thrown at you!

[Kaz1956]

Thankyou to everyone for the feedback, validation, affirmation and  clear thinking advice. You are truly the best. I'm so grateful ❤️