Good Family Members

[Free Rebel]

I think one of the most maddening things about having narcissists in the family is that you are never fully free from them even when you go no contact and you still try to have a relationship with some family members.  Both of my parents are narcissists and I have mentioned on here that I lost my golden child turned second scapegoat sister last year after we reunited and both of us were no contact with our parents.  My sister died last year and I broke my no contact with my parents only to go to my sister's funeral.  I refused to sit with them, go back to their home, etc.

I came out on FB after my sister died because I no longer had anything to lose.  I live in another state and we have no family around us.  My children never had the opportunity to know how it felt to have cousins to play with and have a childhood with and now a cousin of mine has seen my posts on Facebook about what my parents are and what they did to me, my sister, and my children and we "sort of" have a relationship.

It is very difficult because no one understands what it was like for my sister and I to live with our parents and all the horrors of that life.  This cousin is a very good person but his mother is the only living sibling of my narc father's and my parents tried to use her to get to my sister and I before she died to break us up again.  My aunt is a very good person too but I believe she is in denial over her brother, my father.  I have explained to my cousin that I have boundaries now and am not interested in ever having anything to do with my parents again and that I wanted a relationship with him but not them.

He told me that he barely sees them and I really have no say so in that matter as that is his decision either way.  I just told him that I did not want to discuss the possibility of reconciliation with them as it would never happen.  My cousin and his mother and siblings are very religious but my cousin has not pushed me towards my parents.  It is still very awkward when we do meet because my parents made my sister the second scapegoat and turned her only child against her as well as other family members when she started pulling away and realized what they really were.  It was even worse for her when she and I reconnected and they realized that we were united together.

Is it possible to have a relationship at all with family members when there are narcissists in the family who happen to be your parents?  I am very cautious (just as I was with my sister when she wanted to reunite with me) with him but felt comfortable enough to have him meet my children for the first time recently and they were thrilled to have the opportunity since we barely have any family whatsoever.

It's awkward because I know his mother, my aunt, wants to remain in denial about my father and what he is (as well as my mother) but I don't know how to answer questions when I meet with him and his daughter, who obviously does not know about the situation.  I was asked by her if I saw my parents and when I answer "no" to that as well as to whether I spend time with my sister's only child and the answer is yet again, "no", it looks like I'm not family oriented or a good person.  I can't explain this situation to her or her father really because although he's read what I have written about my parents, he does NOT come out and say much about it.  He does realize that my father did his mother (my father's own sister) wrong financially so he's shown some anger with that, but not sure if he's still in the fog or not.

I hate how narcissism still affects me because I feel like I'm paying for my parents' sins and wrong doings by it looking bad on my part for not being a part of their life after my sister died.  They have done nothing to make amends, of course, but I worry too much about what it looks like to others.  Will I forever be paying for their wrong doings?

[Penny Lane]

So sorry you're dealing with this.

You ask:

Is it possible to have a relationship at all with family members when there are narcissists in the family who happen to be your parents

I think it is possible, but it's certainly harder. On top of the narcissists trying to turn your own family members into flying monkeys, there's also general societal pressure to honor your parents. And if people didn't grow up the way you did they might never truly understand what it's like for you.

It sounds like you do have relationship with your cousin. But to be successful you have to have stronger, firmer boundaries than might otherwise be the case. And the topic of your parents probably should just be off-limits - it's just too fraught.

So, the relationship might not be as easy as it could be otherwise. Some might find it impossible, others might decide it's worth having a limited relationship. Sometimes family bonds are just so difficult that your family of choice becomes your only real family.

It's not fair, that's for sure.

[AnneH]

Hi,

You asked, "Is it possible to have a relationship at all with family members when there are narcissists in the family who happen to be your parents?"
A former U.S. president would probably reply that "it depends what your definition of "relationship" is..."
In my case, it has not been possible because no FOO members have come Out of the FOG. I have a very dear (but very enabling and co-dependent) en bro whom I suspect has undiagnosed Asperger's. His difficulties functioning in society have been very offputting to the rest of FOO who all have PHDs and high-powered careers, spouses, and kids while this has not happened for him and, while he worked for a long time in a highly qualified profession, he did not find it satisfying. DH and I were the only people who viewed and interacted with en bro as...another adult who has as much value as anyone else. Unfortunately he leads a very solitary existence and FOO are basically the only people he talks to during his day...they have also made him co-dependent by buying him a house and willing their entire fortune to him, writing me and uhpdsis out of the will. So he is not in a financial position to come Out of the FOG. When I interacted with him, I could not give him *any* information whatsoever about me or FOC (uHPDsis is a stalker and harasser, so I did not want to tell him where I work, when and where we go on vacation, or even about the existence of our 2-year-old because he would have passed the information along.) To me, that is *not* a relationship and, when I went NC with en F and uHPDsis, I also went NC with en bro. Whom I miss every day but my FOC *has* to come first and always will.

[moglow]

 

Is it possible to have a relationship at all with family members when there are narcissists in the family who happen to be your parents? 

I cautiously say yes, as in, use caution when building those relationships. Pay attention to them, your conversations, their responses, really much the same as with anyone else in the world.

Share *your* lives and thoughts, and see if you can keep the parents out of discussions. If you can't -by way of them constantly focusing on your parents/your lack of relationship there - you have your answer. If you find you have to continually tiptoe around and avoid or deflect the same negative stuff over and over, you have your answer.

I have cousins who pandered to, excused and laughed with my mother most if my life - until she turned on them. It was a whole different story then and we've built friendships beyond the family stuff since. They've seen what she's really about and how painful it can be, so they get it. Some of the others continued to play her games and they're welcome to it. I leave them alone.

It does depend on your own boundaries, and helps to have a "do not disturb" over certain subjects/your parents. It's still a process, and many don't see it until they're the object of your parents "affection."