Tell my scapegoat son about GR/MC to deal with his mom?

[IsleOfSong]

I hate seeing my 16-year-old scapegoat son get baited into arguments with his uNPD mom (my wife), but it happens constantly. Just last night, after we'd gone to bed, I overheard my wife get up, storm into the kitchen, and berate him for having a late-night snack — at least that's what I think it was... I had earplugs in to block her snoring . He and I have had many heart-to-heart talks in which I listen to him and validate how frustrating it must be to deal with the yelling, frequent silent treatments, and constant "suggestions" on what he should do differently, despite the fact that he's a high-achieving, kind kid who happens to still be a 16-year-old boy and do teen-style things like eat at odd hours or whatever.

I'm thinking of telling him about gray rock and medium chill. Any reasons why I shouldn't? On the rare occcasions when he doesn't JADE, these episodes pass much more quickly. I've always aimed to keep him from taking sides between his parents, but it's her behavior toward him that is frequently toxic, and I want him to have the awareness and skills to handle it as well as he can.

[square]

My thoughts:

I would not use the labels (GR/MC) but just talk in general terms.

I would not so much suggest he try it but say that doing it sometimes helps you.

I would explicitly say that he should not have to do these things and that his behavior is fine. (To avoid it coming off like "you shouldn't push back on your mom" or "you should just be quiet when your mom is upset" which I onow you won't at all say but you know how especially kids might hear a message like that).

And overall the message is that he can handle her however he wants. Just that you've personally have had some luck doing this and that.

Some phrasing might be:

"I've certainly had my feelings hurt before. I think we should be able to talk to people and let them know if our feelings are hurt, but sometimes people just don't hear us. I don't think it's us that need to change really but the reality is that we might be the only ones who will. So in that case I've found it helpful to just really not engage, to just let other people be mad if they want and not to take it too seriously, not because I did anything wrong but because I can't change it and shouldn't have to carry the burden of what is ultimately their problem."

Not that that is a really clear description of GR/MC, but maybe the start to an ongoing conversation about the approach.

But, are you protecting your son? I know you were unaware of this particular event what with the earplugs, but in general?

You've said you don't want this dynamic of parents calling teams, and I get that it could turn ugly fast, but is your son carrying the burden of being scapegoated?

I'm not in your situation and my DD is not scapegoated, but while I am conflict avoidant I've committed to protecting her against H. I do understand that is probably a powderkeg for you, but I think it's more important to stand up for scapegoats than to play the PD's game of "not taking sides" ("let me commit abuse"). I can imagine it can blow up some households but it shouldn't fall to the child to take it to ensure a false harmony. I know you know all of this but I'm just throwing that out there. Maybe you already stand up and this is just for the times you are not there.

[IsleOfSong]

Hi square, and thanks for your insights as always. You are a valued contributor here! I like your suggestion to talk about it without naming it. If I do name it, he'll probably Google it and end up on this forum too! (I'm only half-joking.) I will work on a mental script for that and deliver it to him soon. Thanks.

To clarify, I do push back on her catastrophizing, whether it's his behavior she's going on about or some other minor speed bump in life that becomes a hill to die on, as they say. I push back All. The. Time. I was specifically thinking that this might be useful to share with him for times when I'm not there to referee/minimize/stop this crap right away. In fact, my stepping in on his behalf has led my wife to frequently claim that "we're not aligned" (well, duh) or "I guess this problem is my fault" (well, duh). My favorite is "He always confides in you, not me. You're his favorite." Can't imagine how that could have happened... 

She is so wired to question/attack his choices, it's as if I married an algorithm. Yesterday, she picked me up from the airport (I'd gone to visit my mother), and I knew in advance that the ride home would be a litany of complaints from her about her time alone with him. And it was. I pretty much let her do her thing, staring out the window and barely acknowledging her concerns or whatever they are. Every now and then, I tell her I see things with our son quite differently than she does, and saying something like that to a PD is incredibly threatening. Rinse, repeat, resent...

[square]

It sounds exhausting, I'm so sorry.

I figured you do protect him, but wanted to throw it out there. It was the reference to trying to avoid him taking sides that concerned me, though it's a valid idea, just wasn't sure how far you were taking it.

Man do I know about the car rides staring out the window with a minorly pleasant expression on the face.

[IsleOfSong]

It was the reference to trying to avoid him taking sides that concerned me, though it's a valid idea, just wasn't sure how far you were taking it.

Not very far at all, I'm happy to report. I read recently (or maybe was told) that kids aren't all that eager to take sides when it comes to their parents, as it goes against their biological wiring — they need their parents in order to survive. The PD thing certainly throws a wrench into all of that, so I'm trying to do the best I can for him given the family circumstances. Teaching him what to do during these flareups, without it seeming like I'm drawing up "sides" between his parents, is a tricky balance.

[Poison Ivy]

Another reason to be careful how you approach topics such as this with your children is that, if they are your biological children, half their genes are from each parent.

[bloomie]

IsleOfSong - what it seems like you are wanting to do is offer your almost adult child a life and conflict management skill. Whenever they meet up with a high conflict person or situation.

Looked at from that perspective... there is no worry that you are doing anything other than healthy parenting as you can use any example you want to show how it works, completely avoiding mentioning a family member. When and if your child chooses to use these skills that have worked well for you would then be up to them.

Maybe approaching it from a neutral position would allay your concerns and equip your child all at the same time.

Keep on doing the good and loving work you are doing as you parent your child under difficult circumstances to navigate!

[IsleOfSong]

Thanks, bloomie! Since I made this post, I've gone ahead and done just that — I spoke with him about how some people in life just want to be mad or disagreeable, and frequently the best approach is to take a step back and not engage with them. "When you encounter someone like that, just be boring and don't take the bait for an argument," I said. He seemed to appreciate it. I was quite general in how I talked about it.

[bloomie]

Well done, Isle!

[MaxedOut]

. My favorite is "He always confides in you, not me. You're his favorite." Can't imagine how that could have happened...

This is so much more minor than children but 100% made me think of our cats. Two adore my spouse but the two young ones are more bonded to me. The two older ones have experience with my SO when she was not or was a lot less physically volatile or loud-angry. The young ones have always known her to be unpredictable and scary at times. So they are much friendlier and close when she's calmer and pick their interaction spaces for affection with more discrimination.

But plenty of "they love you and they don't even like me" "they love you and they run away from me" - yeah, they are little animals with nervous systems and both predator and prey programming. They do love you. But, yeah, they (we all) are totally reasonable in being wary.

I think the cognitive dissonance (or just blind spot) is that when she's not dysregulated, she is a great cat mom, adores our pets, has a huge heart for animals, tendency to spoil them, etc.

[IsleOfSong]

Good analogy with your cats — and if anything, it's actually a more pure demonstration of what's happening because it's not layered with all the human-level neuroses that we bring to our closest relationships. Predator and prey, indeed.

As for the cognitive dissonance, that's the trickiest piece. Sometimes my wife is quite loving and thoughtful when it comes to our son. At least until he leaves a dirty dish in his room ("He's so lazy!") or doesn't have plans on a Saturday night ("He has no friends!"), and then it's sky-is-falling catastrophizing.